Good Morning, May I Help You?

I am sorry that I haven't written regularly. I have had somewhat of a relapse, in that, I have allowed life and other people to over take my recovery. I'm back! Rededicated, to my recovery, and you will see me writing very regularly.

Today's blog entry, is especially sensitive to me. I wrote this in direct relation to step 1, and admitting I'm powerless to overcome my addictions.  Although, I'm asking you to be candid in your comments, please be gentle.

Good-Morning, May I Help You?

Rise and shine, wiping another sleepless night from my eye.

     I can do this, I always do

     Good-Morning, may I help you?

My little hands and big heart work to fulfill your every desire, burning the candle at both ends. It's just what love is?

Alone again at the end of another day: drying another dish, wiping away one more tear. My heart reaches for tomorrow, there will be love there; I will make sure.

     I can do this, I always do

     Good-Morning, may I help you?

As the tears fall into the night, the darkness sets in my eyes. The dizzy days disappear one by one. My heart reaches for tomorrow, I secretly hope never comes.

My tears flow to an ocean deep in my soul, the water rises harmlessly. It's just what love is? Even swimming against the current of my tears, I know

     I can do this, I always do

     Good-Morning, may I help you?

Enveloped by the darkness, the pain of my tears are too deep. Over taken in self-pity and despair.

     I can't do this Like I always do.

Silently, drowning in the hell of my own making comes a whisper of love.

     Good-Morning, may I help you?

My Repressed Feelings

I sit before you this morning humbled. As I reflect on the days past I know that the Lord is softly guiding me and offers me tender mercies in my trials. I have an endless list of things to be thankful for, and I am to be sure.

I have to admit, that I know that I'm not worthy of the love and mercy that I am offered. In my heart there has been brewing some feelings that I have desperately tried to repress. Of course, repressing feelings can only last so long, before they come crashing in and make themselves known anyway.

I have received so many blessings being in ARP. My hear has been softened toward God, and miracles have happened in my life. My heart still hurts. My heart is still filled with great anger towards myself. The self hatred that I have feel is normal in my life, is still very much there.

I haven't wanted to face these feelings, because I don't want to be a failure at this too. These feelings are real, and really scary. Honestly, I don't know how to forgive myself. I don't think it is a matter of just letting go, it feels bigger than that. I look at how I feel, and ask myself...”Forgive this trespasses.” How do I forgive Christ, for my trespasses, as He is asking? How do I overcome, wanting to be so cruel to myself?

I have learned so much, and have been given in my heart so much. How do I make them real for myself?

When I'm able to look beyond the depth of the way I feel. I have peace a greater than that I've ever known. Have I somehow for a short time given this to Christ, and then took it back? Is my faith so weak, that I can't sustain the goodness I've received?

It is so hard to admit here that I feel this way, because I wanted to provide a place that brings peace, and shows how beautiful healing is. I wanted to show the great things that come through ARP. Instead, I'm writing of this huge weakness that I am suffering through. 

Step 3-Turning My Life Over To The Lord

Life has brought me a strange new level of peace. Since I have been in recovery, I have had many examples of the Lord's time. I have had experiences that have proven that the Lord loves me, and watches out for me, where I can no longer deny my Heavenly Father brings things to me in just the right time.

I have nothing to fear. For example, I have been viewing something with Jim and if my views were right I really needed to be patient and love him. Over the weekend, he says, “I guess I'm feeling...” As he explained to me how he felt, the sense of peace and love for him overwhelmed. My view of where I thought he was is right, and I have deep compassion for him in his struggles. I know that I would feel very similar to him, and likely act in a similar way. I am so thankful the Lord blessed me with slow action, and a quiet heart. I'm convinced the Lord will continue to bless our family with His tender mercies and sustain Jim in his rightous desires. This trial that our family is going though isn't what it appeared to be, rather a lesson in love and acceptance.

Yesterday, Britney and I took the kids to town. It was so much fun! I love spending time with my family. Again, I learned I have nothing to fear. The more I relaxed and enjoyed the funner it got. I can see the hand of the Lord firmly in my life now. He brings peace and joy whenever I am not trying to control things.

The other night at ARP we talked about step 3, turning our life over to God. I have been blessed with being shown the difference between the misery of trying to control my life and the lives of other, and allowing the Lord to shower my life with peace and joy.

The trials in my life aren't what I saw them as. I saw my life as a series of punishments for my sinful acts. Lately, I have seen a change in what these trials are. The trials that are currently in my life, seem to be offering me an opportunity to love others, especially the wonderful people in my family. Of course, it can't go without saying, my current trials offer me the continual opportunity to turn my heart toward God.

Step 3 has been very difficult for me. I wonder if I turn my life over to God, does that make me a failure? Who would I be? My identity is built on what I do, and I control. I take action to that which comes to my mind. The Lord has patiently shown me, that isn't who I am. He is showing me that not only is it safe to turn my life over to Him, but it brings a beauty, a peace, a joy that is beyond my imagination. I long to turn my life over to my Lord, fully. My heart is full of gratitude for His love, and His patience toward me. 

Avoiding Pain

"You don’t take Vicodin because you’re scared. You take it so you won’t feel pain. Everything you’ve ever done is to avoid pain. Drugs, sarcasm...keeping everybody at arm’s length so no one can hurt you…Pain happens when you care. Y-you can’t love someone without making yourself open to their problems, their fears. And you’re not willing to do that." This is quote from the television show House. This is a perfect description of my life. Even now that I am in recovery I still find that I do things to avoid pain. The more I work my recovery program that more I recognize my addictions, or at least I'm able to be willing to admit my addictions.

As I consider my own unbelief and my attempts to avoid pain, it helps me accept other people in their problems. It helps me to step back and not cast judgment towards others or to take offense.

As I am taking step 8--Forgiveness-- and I think about the people that have offended me, and have found sympathy in that there is a good chance that the person wasn't out to hurt me, but to prevent themselves from being hurt. I know what it feels like to be in a self-protection mode, and to act out to avoid being hurt. Maybe I don't need to forgive someone, but instead admit that I was mistaken about my perspective of the situation. Jim has told me several times when I get upset, that they didn't act that way to hurt me. It's kinda funny how he says it...”Do you really think she woke up this morning and said to her self. I'm going to do something really stupid that will have horrible consequences to me, just so I can hurt Tisha.” I hate it when he ask me this in the middle of my tantrum, because it always knocks me back to reality. Every time, I have to answer “No, they wouldn't have thought that.” When I admit, they weren't out to hurt me, my argument falls apart.

I've been taking a deeper look at the things I need to forgive myself for. I have learned through the story of Abigail that Christ is asking me to forgive Him for my sins, my weaknesses, my addictions, and everything that falls into that. If I continue to insist that I pay a higher price, or continue to punish myself for my past actions, then I'm saying to Christ that His atoning sacrifice wasn't good enough for me. That I know better, my plan is better. I fall into the trap of the plan of Satan. I must find a way to come to peace with my past behavior and the stoney heart I've built.

I now have an understanding of the atonement of Christ in my mind. With that understanding I need to welcome it into my heart. I don't believe that I can honestly forgive anyone else of their trespasses against me, or to ask forgiveness of anyone else on my behalf until I can welcome Christ atonement into my heart. Meanwhile, I'm still consumed with avoiding pain.

How does being consumed with avoiding pain prevent me from welcoming the atonement into my life?

Personalized 12 Step Progrm

As I have been talking to other people it is so neat to see how personalized we have all made our 12 step program. Our outward addictions can be so very different, but our stories are all so similar. I've discovered that other people have felt as hopeless and desolate that I have felt.

I recognize the different levels of commitment people have towards working the program. For me, especially, these steps are hard, but more than hard they are terrifying. It sometimes feels impossible to work through the hell of feelings: fear, guilt, pride, and anxiety. There are moments I feel like if I quit and give up working my program, then I would not have to be accountable.

With each step, I take steps toward breaking down the lies that, up to this point, have been the foundation for that which I've built my life on. As I am faced with the realization of my life, I am forced to make a choice—Continue to accept the lie and find a new way to cover it up OR admit I am powerless and this lie has become unmanageable.

If this lie is exposed, my life I worked so hard for would be ruined and I say that like it is catastrophic! I didn't have hope, faith, or any idea that my life could be any other way than worse.

Alma 5:5 They were in captivity and again the Lord did deliver them out of bondage by the power of His word.

I had no idea I was in bondage to my lies and the way I was thinking and believing. Looking back it was as the Lord began freeing me from the bondage of my lies is when I began to recognize I was even in bondage.

When I was first coming into recovery every time one of these lies was exposed I felt a strong sense of self-preservation, franticly I would scurry around in desperation to find a new way of covering it up. For the most part, It isn't you I was hiding these lies from; I needed to hide them from myself. I couldn't admit my lies to myself, to others, or to God. I felt like my life was spiraling out of control. I felt like someone threw water on the wicked witch, (me) and I was melting in slow, painful, torture.

Now as I look at my life I am still fearful when a lie is exposed. I still feel tempted to try to cover up the lies, instead of desperately attempting to cover them up I turn my heart towards the heavens and humbly admit I'm powerless. I recognize I'm not worthy of the grace of God. I recognize all the grace and tender mercies He has offered me, then I take action. I start praying for God to sustain me through this, and I start stepping my steps as honestly as I can.

At the end of the day I find that my heart is full of gratitude and love for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for the tender mercies and grace He showered upon me through the day. 

Be Still--Right Now

I have to credit Rozanne Paxman for this absolutely beautiful writing. She is a very spiritual and in tune woman. I love her writings. This particular writing spoke very close to my heart. I felt a strong urge to post it here on my blog.

Through following the ARP steps, I've learned that Being Still is critical to staying close to the Lord. It is so easy for me to allow the chatter in my mind to drawn out the whispering of the Lord. This is something that I know I always need to stay vigilant in doing. I haven't come far enough from my old patterns to trust that I am safe. The chatter comes into my mind, and threatens to take over. I don't always find it convenient to stop and be still, or sometimes I don't even think about it.

This writing from Ro Paxman has helped me create a model that can help me tune into the love and light of Christ so that I can be still and allow the flow of His love to sustain me and lift me up.

Simply Being Still

"Be like the promontory against which the waves continually break but stands firm and tames the fury of the water around it." – Marcus Aurelius

Be still. Right now.

Close your eyes and imagine that you are sitting on a hill far from the city, the moon shining across the tops of the trees. You hear silver-dollar-shaped leaves of Quaking Aspens trembling in the breeze. You smell musty earth mixed with pine needles. You feel the cool earth beneath you.

There is no one to speak and disturb your thoughts... and you ask yourself who you are and why you are here. You listen to a small, still voice inside of you whisper... and you know that you are more than you have thought yourself to be. You are a child of God... and you become strong as the thought flows through your mind.

Be still. Right now.

Know who you are and what you are and what you are meant to be, and you will discover a firmness of mind that the greatest philosopher, doctor of medical science, or the most brilliant politician cannot transmit to you. Know that you were given gifts of great importance that you were meant to share. They are important simply because they are yours, and it is important that you use them.

Be still. Right now.

You do not have to be thrown about with waves of thought, doubt, and confusion any longer. You do not have to go here and there, seeking acceptance. Once you discover that God is the steadying force of your soul, you will relax, look about, and see how mankind's fascination with scurrying about, chasing rainbows, and seeking recognition causes one to miss that which would make one feel true joy.

Be still. Right now.

Consider the foundation you are standing on. Is it firm or sandy? Are you wobbling back and forth on a pencil tip, waiting for someone else to write a permission slip for you to seek what you were meant to share with the world? Or are you walking forward - self-propelled - because you have learned that the world will not voluntarily give you permission to do anything but sit in a corner and wait.

Be still. Right now.

Listen to the stillness tell you that joy is found in being true to self, no matter who you interact with. Hear the core of your heart teach you that reacting with grace and honor, despite a hurricane of spite or anger coming from within, brings you one step closer to the peace you seek.

Be still. Right now.

Hear the sound of crickets chirping on a warm summer's night. See the North Star shining in the dark skies. Feel the calm that comes from knowing that you are who you were meant to be. Find the firmness of soul that comes from

Simply Being Still

Being More Fearless

What a crazy long weekend this has been! Life, rushed in and took over. Harley had a clinic Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. It was all about loading horses, and hauling up the canyon to the freezing cold. I'm not sure I will ever get warm. In fact, I highly doubt it. When I went out to do chores this morning, I felt so bitter cold. It wasn't really that cold, I just haven't gotten warm all the way through yet.

Long, cold, endless days at the indoor arena supporting Harley was such a wonderful teaching experience for me. I learned that Jim is simply more than amazing. I know that I talk Jim up all the time. This time he showed even himself up. He was so kind, lovingly, and selfless that I learned I need to really need to be more like him.

Jim asked which day would be best for us for him to take off work to help us. Even though I assured him that I could take care of things he insisted to help. Jim was right there helping and comforting no matter what. We had a slight issue with the horse trailer that couldn't be immediately fixed. Jim went to work on Sunday and came home to help us load up and got us settled at the arena and then went back to work.

Inspite of the never ending cold it was a wonderful weekend, because of Jim. I was able to listen to the clinic instructor, and learn what I could from her so that I can be a better support to Harley.

As I got colder and colder, Jim stepped up and helped more with the horses and getting Harley ready. My emotions started to get the best of me, and Jim was so clam and loving. On Sunday, when Jim was at work I tried to do the things that he had. It sure was hard to keep everything together. This is where I really started to appreciate Jim more and more.

How does this tie into my recovery, or maybe yours? It is an example of Christ-like love. It is am example of how even though I have these addictions Christ loves me enough to provide me with such an amazing husband to see me through. As I consider step 2-Hope. I am filled with Hope that forgiveness is real, and miracles happen. I know that Jim is a miracle to me.

Watching the girls in the clinic, over come struggles, and fears was amazing. At the end of the day they we were so tired. As they drug themselves and their horses out of the arena the look of satisfaction on their faces was so motivating to me. I learned so much about being fearless, I am inspired by these girls to be a better person a more fearless person. 

The Beauty of Light

I have been blessed to have a love for photography, since I was really young. When I was younger came the greatest craze ever, Scrapbooking! I know that there are many views and opinions regarding scrapbooking, and that's just alright. I have gone through times when I've had friends that would get together and we would scrap all night long, eat snacks (lots of snacks) and probably do more chatting than scrapping. Right now, that isn't the case. I still love photography and scrapbooking, but the all nighters with friends are gone by the way side. Sometimes I miss the socialization, and the creative ideas from great people.

I am so deeply grateful that I have been able to take a couple of photography classes this fall/winter. I also have gotten to take a fabulous photography computer class. These classes have given me so many wonderful growing opportunities. I have learned that I really love looking at things. I love noticing the details. I love beautiful things, and it's easy to find beauty in all things. This has been an opportunity to fall in love with the simple, delicate, and profound details that the Lord gave me to invite me to find joy in this life.

The prophets have commanded us to record our family history. Through the blessings of scrapbooking I can record our history and provide a way for my family to enjoy it for many generations. This past year I have started to scrapbook digitally. WOW, what a complex world digital scrapbooking is. It is challenging to create something that is digital to look “real.” It is also a total blast to create something that you couldn't have if you scrapbooked it the traditional way, (on paper.) I love that it is financially cheeper, and easy to share with family and friends.

I know that my love for photography and scapbooking offers me the opportunity to recognize gifts from God, especially my family. A concept that is taught in photography, is that everything is light. We don't take pictures of things, we make pictures of light. With that being said, I am drawn to the first scripture my Dad helped me memorize: Doctrine and Covenants 93:36 The glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth.

How does this scripture relate to my views on photography? As I look through the viewfinder of my camera at the light, that our most loving God in His glory and intelligence gave to me I have found many truths. The truths that I have found help me grow and to assist my heart to be softened and turn toward Him.

I challenge you today as you journey through your day, to bask in the light that God has showered on you and your loved ones. What truths can you find, that strengthen you and sustain you?

Forgiveness

This morning as I read 1 Samuel 25, I want to really consider Abigal's gift to David.

1 Samuel 25:24 Abigail...fell at his feet, and said Upon me, my lord, upon me let this iniquity be;...

What is Abigail asking? How is she a type of Christ in this moment? Mainly, my question is what is the difference between my “Savior complex” and being a type of Christ? That question aside, what I'm beginning to understand is Christ paid for the sins of Nabal and the sins of David. Christ is asking us to forgive Him. Upon me Christ let this iniquity be. The people on my list, that I need to forgive, including myself really don't need to be forgiven. Christ falls at my feet, and says unto me...Upon me, Christ, let this iniquity be. To withhold forgiveness from anyone is withholding forgiveness from Christ. It is in a way, saying that the price He paid wasn't good enough, and that I demand more.

Instead of looking for ways, to feel I deserve something from others, to right their wrongs with me. I need to be willing to accept that Christ has paid that price to me on their behalf, and accept that His price, His ransom, out weighs anything they could possibility do to right the wrong.

As for asking for forgiveness from others, the story of Abigail, and David shows that it really wasn't Nabal that needed to be forgiven. It was David that needed to forgive. That was the gift that Abigail offered David. A man with a stoney and war filled heart. If he would forgive, then there would be room for Christ in his heart. It doesn't matter if anyone forgives me for any wrongs I've done against them. It is if I am humble enough to ask forgiveness, and give them the opportunity to accept Abigail's gift to them. The rest is between them and Christ, and me and Christ each individually and collectively.

Heart of Charity

The way I see it, is we can offer charity towards other people. Doing charitable acts, can bring a sense of love or peace into our lives. It can also bring loathing, and resentment. As I think about people in my life, that reflect charity. I can see how everyone has their own unique way of being charity. Some people give of their time or their talents. Some people just know how to offer a loving listening ear. While others, have such profound life experience that they know how to offer life changing advise, in an inviting way.

One thing about charity that I'm at the most awe is a child. So often children are mistreated, and often loved as if they are less. Children, have a way of reflecting charity, in a way that most reflects Christ's love. They love those who mistreat them. What a beautiful love a child has towards everyone. How simple it is for a child to laugh, and to spread the joy in their heart to everyone willing to receive it. Children are natural peace givers. When war rages within their homes, they are the first ones to offer hugs and kisses to those at war.

As I grew up from childhood, into the life of co-dependency where did I lose this special gift that children posses, the gift of charity, that reflects Christ's love? As an adult, I look at the children in my home and I know they are the greatest reflection of Charity and Christ like love. I have so much to learn from them. Each time one of them wraps their arms around me, and says, I love you. The purity of their love is obvious and gives them the power to melt my heart.

In my opinion it couldn't be possible for any co-dependency tenancies to exist in the heart of a child. I believe there is a connection between a special child heart and the heart I have. I want to develop the heart of a child again. A heart that trust, forgives, and loves those that mistreat them. I want to love again. 

Surrendering to my lies?

It is so hard to step back and see other people in pain, and know that there is nothing I should do. Anything I might do, would likely be a mistake. I need to allow people their free agency, and their growing pains.

I have learned so much through my journey. I want to utilize step 12 (Share this message with others). Really what I want to do, is use step 12 as my justification to tell others what to do, and what is best for them! You know, that I know what is best.

What does it take to accept that other people are in a place of learning and acceptance themselves? These people aren't just people, they are our adult kids, which makes me want to use that fact as a justification of jump in and help them. The only thing that keeps me from jumping in is the idea, that if I help, I limit them from learning and growing into their own. When I limit people I love from learning and growing, I now feel terrible. I can look into the past and see how damaging it is to them. My love for them right now is requiring me not to help them. That is so hard. Seeing someone I love struggle is so painful.

I silently worry about them, and wish for things in their lives to be different. I have to diligently focus on acceptance. They are where they are are for their own good! They will learn more from this experience from me not helping, them from me helping.

If I surrender to this and help in an inappropriate way I only surrender to my lies, my boxes.

Lying To Myself (Again or maybe it's still)

I have come to the core of one of my greatest weaknesses! (At least I think it's the core, truly I never know. I've been surprised a time or two.) Anyway, I want to talk to you about it for a few minutes.

I have gone back and forth on a major ethical issue for most of my life. I have continually thought that I was following the right path for me. I have felt I was making the best choices possible. I was in agreement with Jim, and how he wanted to deal with this issue. I loved him and supported him. I tried diligently not to consider my feelings on the issue.

A couple of months ago, Jim invited me for a car ride. He had been doing some soul searching and had come to some conclusions that he wanted to address. I found myself feeling uneasy and it was nearly impossible to verbalize my feelings or thoughts on the matter. I simply agreed with his position, and on we went.

This week, this issue appeared and demanded to be addressed. I simply became more resolute to support Jim.

Last night I woke up at 1:40 am. I was alert, and very much awake. I contemplated how tired I was going to be in the day to come. My mind, surprisingly drifted to this issue, what will become a life changing issue. I spent the next three hours, comfortably, going through every detail of this issue.

Do you know what I learned? Maybe you have had a similar experience and you do know what I learned, and maybe not yet. It really doesn't matter, because I'm going to tell you what I learned. I'm not sure you want the three hour version, so here's the shortened version.

I learned that I have been lying to myself for all these years, lying by omission. The reason, I have not been able to verbalize pretty much anything in this issue is that I didn't want to hear my own voice on the issue. I very much have an opinion on the matter, you won't be surprised to know that my opinion doesn't match popular opinion. There isn't anything I know on the issue, but this I know for sure. God knows the way, and I will follow Him.

My alarm went off at 5:00, in the darkness of the morning, I shared everything I felt with Jim. I shared everything...Jim was so comforting, and accepting of my feelings. I shared for close to an hour; we got up, got the kids ready and off to school. After the kids were off to school, and the animals fed Jim and I crawled back in bed and kept talking. The first few words were challenging to get out of my mouth, after I did it was all so easy. After sharing with Jim in step 4 and 5, I found myself at ease talking to him.

The thing is there wasn't anything to talk about until I could be honest and willing to accept my truth. Here I am firmly back at step 1, I am dishonest with myself, and I hide the truth from myself. I am powerless to overcome my own unbelief. It really doesn't matter where this ethical issue lies in reality. It only matters what this issue showed me, about myself.

Maybe it isn't that I needed to accept my truth, like I mentioned earlier. Maybe it is to accept His truth. Somewhere buried in all my lies, is His truth and it only takes the peaceful silence of 1:40-4:30 in the morning in order for me to recognize it.

I sit here before you this evening, actually thinking I'm talking to real people. It is very likely, I am mistaken in my opinion on this issue. Nonetheless, I sit here knowing that I am unworthy of the mercies of the Savior, yet even in my weaknesses He continually blesses me with His mercy, and the glory of His light and truth. 

20 Great Life Shortcuts

Wouldn't it be great if we had a few life-shortcuts? Wouldn't it be great if we could learn a few methods to avoid heartache and pain or to get things done faster and better? Wouldn't it be great if people who know more because they have experienced more would tell us what to do?

Guess what? This advice is all around us. All we need to do is open our ears and our eyes to hear what tradition and those who have gone before us have said. Here are 20 of my favorites. (Now, if I could just use them consistently!)

A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger. (Proverbs 15:1)
Pay yourself first.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Tomorrow never comes.
If not now, when?
Life happens.
It is what it is.
Everything has a way of working out in the end.
God doesn't make junk.
All things are difficult before they are easy. (Thomas Fuller)
No good deed goes unpunished. (Oscar Wilde)
You can't have your cake and eat it, too.
The day will happen whether or not you get up. (John Ciardi)
Never confuse thoughtlessness with malice. (Robert Charles Whitehead)
When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
Dig the well before you are thirsty.
Sometimes the best way to hold onto something is to let it go.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't. (Erica Jong)
When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one that has opened for us. (Alexander Graham Bell)
Most of the shadows of life are caused by standing in one's own sunshine. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

I Need A Plan!!!!

Life is really bearing down on me right now. Time constraints, physical constraints, mental constraints, it is all adding up to be almost unbearable...I haven't had anything available to work what I would explain as forward motion on “my program” It is taking everything I have to stay focused on the steps I have taken and the material I have.

I found myself in a deep box this evening. Saying that I deserve, better! This shouldn't be the cards I was dealt... Something else I have found myself doing, is something I haven't done in a long time, “ifin' and wishin'” If only the snow would melt and spring were here. I wish other people would act,---(of course, act like I think is best).

I find that I can stay out of the box toward some of the people in my situation, but not others. I think I use my boxes towards others as my justification in staying out of the box towards others. Kinda a strange observation.

I'm thankful that I found myself here, because of how miserable it felt, and because I recognized it almost immediately.

It is obvious I have a choice to make. I can accept the situation that I currently find myself in and come to peace with it, OR, not. In order to come to my acceptance of this situation I must make some changes. As I talked to Jim this evening, I don't see any changes that I can make. I don't see any changes at this time, physical, and mental constraints that I find myself under. I get up in the morning at 5:00. I wonder if I could make a personal sacrifice and get up at 4:30 to work on “my program”?

I wonder if I could “take five” away from my day? I'm not sure how to orchestrate this. I need a plan. How can I develop a plan that will invite me to stay out of the box, to inspire others, and a plan that helps me be able to sustain “my program” while life is bearing down on me like it is at this time?

What I haven't talked about is step 1. Admit that I am powerless to overcome my weaknesses in this situation, and this is unmanageable on my own. Step 2, I believe God can restore my in my weaknesses to spiritual health. Step 3 Commitment to turning this over to God. In that it doesn't mean He will take it away, but believe He will sustain me and make my weak things strong. Step 4 Make a searching inventory of this situation. I think this blog, plus other writings I have done a searching inventory. Step 5 Admit your wrongs to yourself, and in this case to Jim. My talk with Jim, helped me realize some of the depth of my wrongs and my weaknesses in how I'm viewing and dealing with this situation. Step 6 Become entirely willing and ready to have God remove your shortcomings. Step 7 Humbly, ask God to remove your shortcomings....

WOW! What a great plan “I” developed. So this example might serve to show that the ARP program works on a broad spectrum to spiritually heal from the sins and addictions of my life, but also as a specifically detailed program to deal with the day to day pressures of life....

Forgiveness

There is so much that has happened to me, these past few days. My mind and soul have been in such a fog. I have had a lot to sort out. Working Step 7 has turned out to not be anything like I thought it would. Step 7, Humble ask Heavenly Father to remove your shortcomings. As I first looked at this step, I thought:

• I'm not worthy to have my shortcomings removed, I haven't done enough work.
• Heavenly Father has removed so many shortcomings from me so far, how could I ask for more. I thought that would be selfish.
• One of my other thoughts was, If the Lord uses shortcomings and hardships as an invitation for us to turn our hearts towards Him. If I asked Him to remove my shortcomings would I really be telling Him, I didn't want to turn my heart towards Him. Right now, I didn't think I could risk not having something to invite me to come unto Christ.

I'd like to talk for a moment what I've learned really learned about asking Heavenly Father to remove my shortcomings. The main thing I think about is the story of Abigal, and how she took on the name of Christ and his reputation. I am taught that she is a “type” of Christ. In that she took the sins of her husband Nabal upon her, and asked. She asked “Forgive this handmade of the trespass.” In a very real way, Christ ask me the same question. When someone sins against me, He steps in and ask me to forgive Him of the trespass. He has already paid the price of the trespass and ask me to accept the price He paid, and forgive Him. It almost seems like the person that sinned against me doesn't exists. It doesn't dissolve them of their responsibility. They are responsible to Christ. I am responsible to accept His payment for their debt.

In this aspect Christ gives me His name, and reputation so that my heart can act and feel in this way. The challenging thing to me, in my mind right now is how to apply this principle to myself. I have been so hard on myself, trying to hold myself to extremely unrealistic expectations. How do I accept that Christ is asking me to forgive Him for my sins and my trespasses? How do I accept that He has already made up the difference? I am responsible to accept His payment for my debt.

When I am able to accept His name and His reputation, this would be in exchange for my shortcomings. What an amazing concept, one in which I can not even come close to comprehending. Where do I begin to have faith in Christ, and believe without comprehending or understanding? 

Happy Valentine's Day

As I watched the movie, The Sunset Limited, I began to learn more about the 12 step program, the teachings of the Anatomy of Peace, but mostly about my own recovery.

It all began with the line, “I don't have an original thought in my head. If it doesn't have the lingering sent of Divinity to it, I'm not interested in it.” How true that is? What this line did for me, is give me perspective of how I want to strive to live. Later in the movie he said, “Sometimes I go into manual over ride, and I have to catch myself...” As I have come into recovery, and have gained an awareness of my addictions, I tend to beat myself up again and again. These two lines helps me realize that the beating myself up is not the answer, and encourage me to offer myself the tender mercies that I am offered from the Lord.

The movie portrayed deep contrast of right and wrong, based in belief. As I have reflected on my recovery this morning I have looked into my past and compared how much I am like the two men in the movie. I have been in the darkest place like one of the men. It was only by the grace of God, that there was a light in my life that gave me a glimpse of desire to find a way to God.

Good morning Valentine's Day, a day of love, a day of hope, a day to relish in beautiful relationships. I have so many beautiful relationships, first off is my growing relationship with my Savior. The beauty of all my other relationships stem off my faith in my relationship with my Savior.

Jim for example, I've always known how amazing he was, and I know that I'm not deserving of his love. Through coming to know Christ, I've been able to come to know Jim as well. Yes, Jim is amazing, and I am free to love him because even through I'm not deserving of his love the Lord will make up the difference.

I know that Jim and I make a wonderful team, we work together so well. There is no way, I could be successful without him. It is just marvelous that we are different, we think different. Our strengths compliment each other. Funny thing is, I come up with a well thought out plan, that I think is “perfect.” When I unroll my plan to Jim, unfailingly, he will come up with a way to improve my plan and really make it great. When I was deep in my addictions I would become very defensive, and frustrated. I thought he was better than me, and I felt this was a personal attack against me.

Now, that I'm in recovery, I no longer see life this way. When I start to develop a plan, I look to Jim for his ideas, his perspective. To create the “perfect” plan doesn't just depend on me, it depends on my willingness to submit to the Lord's plan and team up with Jim to carry that plan out. We are so good together because the Lord makes up the differences. With that, on this Valentine's Day it makes me love Jim more.  

Three Most Significant Days

What a beautiful springish morning. As I was out feeding the animals I couldn't help but notice the silence of this morning, the peace, and joy that linger in this silence. How could I think that February has anything to do with spring? As I walked I could see the first of the spring birds flying from leafless branch to leafless branch as they sung their songs of hope to me. In the not to far off, I can hear the cows bawling. Here it is just beginning calving season, so where ever you go, you get to see the brand new breath of life in those calves.

I just couldn't resist the temptation to consider that spring brings with it a new birth, new life. There is a freshness in spring that always seems to breath new life into me. This year, more so than any other year before. I am new, this is a rebirth for me and my heart. I am excited to get outside, and live in the spring. I love the energy that spring and summer bring. This morning, I'm urged to live in that spring now. I'm not running out to put on shorts and flip flops, but in my heart I am going to live in peace and joy, and be willing to enjoy the rebirth of myself.

As I live this day, I am going to really ponder my rebirth, my new heart, and how I can contribute the gifts I have been given by the Lord to others.

Three Most Significant Days

1- The day you were born

2- The day you discover the gifts you were born to give

3- The day you discover how you can contribute your gifts

-unknown

God does love me...

I feel like yesterday's post was really profound, although, I know the words didn't come from my mind, but my soul. I am thankful for all the opportunities in which I am taught. I have procrastinated writing today, hoping something equally as profound would come to me, but as of now it hasn't. In a small way, this testifies to the moments in all our lives in which profound words of the spirit come. We must cherish these words, and record them so that other can benefit from them as well.

Today, a really neat thing happened. I was sitting in the truck with the little boys; they were hungry. Remember that little boys are always hungry. I know I used the word always, and I think it quit appropriate for this scenario. I opened a bag of cheese crackers and was sharing it between them. I was hungry too, it was half past lunch time, and I knew it. Anyway, the crackers didn't look all that appealing but I ate one anyway. It didn't taste all that good either, I thought I should would love something healthy. (WOW, that was a surprising thought) Within about 30 seconds from having that thought, DING, (text message) It's Britney wanting to know if I wanted a salad. Instantly, a 100 things raced through my mind. “Was this a miracle, given to me because I allowed myself to be willing to wish for something healthy, something different than the same old garbage?” “Your wish is my command!” “This is sorta creepy.” No matter what I thought, I knew it was something meant to be.

I feel very fortunate, and blessed that as I recognize my willingness to allow goodness to come into my life, that it does. From this experience, I learned that I don't need to try to figure out the “How” in life, but just be willing to “Allow” good to come. God does love me, He watches over me, He knows me, and even when I'm not asking, He's answering.  

Being Willing Continued...

As I have done some more thinking about ...Being willing... I have come up with some ideas. As a general guide in recovery "we willingly turn our lives over to God." then something comes along like the opportunity to be willing to eat right, exercise or whatever it is. The old lies we have told ourselves start screaming for us to listen to them. The moment we recognize them for the lies that they are; willingness to choose something new springs up. We, again, choose to turn this over to God, and humbly ask Him to remove this shortcoming, this lie. In that split second the willingness of our hearts, turns to God and peace is showered on our souls.

For me, this has been a journey not only of healing but of repetitious learning and relearning the steps back to our Heavenly Father. He so lovingly gives me opportunities of growth, that tenderly teach me. For so many years I have been brutally at war with myself, God, and everyone else. The tender mercies of the Lord's teachings are so real, and surprisingly so comfortable and offer a safety I've never known in my addictions.

Yesterday, I was meditating with my vision board, and I was offered the sense of real peace. I know I have talked about this peace on several occasions. What I haven't talked about is my willingness to accept it into my heart. I love the feeling, often times I find myself hiding from it. What I mean is, I can't deny the reality of this feeling of peace, forgiveness, and love. I find in the initial moments of these feelings coming to my heart, I feel somewhat embarrassed and physically get a little flushed thus I hide or push the feelings a side.

I knew in that moment that I had to make the choice to be willing to accept this gift, that in spite of my weaknesses Heavenly Father, was offering me His peace, forgiveness, and love. I struggled a bit, and finally sat there and felt. In a split second, everything was made right. I'm not even going to attempt to express how different my life is today, the beauty, the light, the love.

With that being said, I want to invite you to be willing to accept the gifts that Heavenly Father is offering you through His tender mercies. Recovery is a beautiful place to be, but being willing to accept His gifts into our hearts hold a beauty that is incomprehensible.  

Being Willing to...

I was reading Becky Sampson's blog...http://bexdailyinspirations.blogspot.com and she was talking about being willing to exercise. Her words struck a deep part of my heart. I have always used the words, “I should” I have come to realize that “I should” is just another way I sabotage myself, and set myself up for failure. Then it occurred to me, that in my addiction I am more than willing to take care of anyone else. More than willing to the point I HAVE to take care of others. Why is it that I refuse to take care of myself? I recognize that taking care of myself is critical. It makes logical sense that I can't help others unless I am healthy enough to do it.

As I look at it, Becky's words “being willing to...” helps put my thinking patterns into perspective.  Realization that my thinking patterns and beliefs are wrong, is an awesome thing. There is a lot more to this issue, and I am looking forward to figuring out what it is. 

Step 7 Act of my Love

How does step 7 qualify as the greatest act of your love so far?

I know that I am not worthy to ask the Lord to remove my shortcomings. I know that I have been prideful and unbelieving towards the Lord. I know that I have allowed my sins to become who I was. For me to become humble enough to ask the Lord to remove my shortcomings to me, is like asking Him to remove the lies I've told that have justified my prideful war against my own spirit and against Him. It is like asking Him to assist me in burying my weapons or war, deep enough that I can not dig them up again. I no longer feel it necessary to be at war with God, myself, or anyone else. It is like humbly accepting His heart as my new heart.

The Simple Beauty of Life

The little simple things in life, can bring so much happiness when we are willing to see them. Looking back I was so obsessed in being miserable that I wasn't willing to recognize anything that might point towards happiness. I always strived to create a “perfect” life, for my family. For example, we would have a family get together, and I would kick into perfectionist mode. I would go all out to create to best menu, decorations. Tables, chairs matching dishes, and of course there would be a theme. When the family would get there, everything was done so there was nothing for anyone to help with. I on the other hand was still running around with this list of a 1000 things that I still needed to adjust.

I never enjoyed these gatherings. I can see now, that I wasn't providing an opportunity for my guest to enjoy themselves either. This past year, I have recognized that it isn't the food, dishes, or theme that our family gathers together for. They come to enjoy each others company, and they would like me to sit with them and just chat....Wow, what a concept....

A couple weeks ago, we had just such a family gathering. When people called and asked what they could bring, I let them suggest what they would like to bring. I made simple chili, and store bought rolls. We ate on paper plates, which just might turn into my “good china.” I actually ate with everyone, and spent the rest of the time chatting with everyone. I had such a great time, and captured so many smiling faces by taking over 100 pictures. I even let other people take my camera and get some shots of me, laughing and talking.

There are so many other ways, we can recognize or add some simple elegance to our lives. I'm going to take the time, to enjoy a pickle wedge next to my sandwich. Have you ever recognized how beautiful the crunch sound is when you cut lettuce? In the fall, I was sitting next to the resavor just above our house, and enjoyed the fish jump and the rings ripple out as the sun set in the background.

As I sit here and recall how wonderful these simple things are in life, I recognize that I was blinded to the simple beauty of life when I was deep in my addictions. I know that being able to have these simple moments of beauty beings the joy that comes from turning to Christ. They are gifts from heaven, gifts to enjoy on our journey here on this earth. When I pause to offer gratitude for these simple gifts in my life, I have an overwhelming sense of abundance.   

Step 7 Humility

Step 7 Humility

Humbly ask Heaven Father to remove your shortcomings.

Choosing to be humble

Most of us come to recovery meetings in desperation, driven by the consequences of our addictions. We were compelled to be humble. The humility described in step 7, however, has a different cause. It is voluntary. It is the result of your own choice to humble yourself. How have your feelings of humility changed since you started recovery?

I have searched in desperation for years for healing. I, in my addictions searched selfishly. These words sound kinda funny. How could it be selfish to want to heal from an addiction? Wouldn't being selfish during the recovery process be a good thing? I can sense somewhat of a conflict when I suggest that I was selfish when I was searching for healing. Even in my prayers I would pray for God to take away my problems. I would chant why me???? why me???? It was selfish of me, because I wanted to avoid the consequences of my behavior. I wanted someone else to blame for my life, and the hell I found myself in.

Even when I was presented with the ARP program, this selfishness was still there, it was still the driving force. I was desperate and I would try anything to heal my hell. Especially, now that through my search for healing I had become painfully aware that my life was hell and there was no denying that fact.

I started step 1 with the honest and true feelings that I was powerless to overcome my addictions and my life was truly unmanageable. As I spent the first months working step 1, my selfish stoney heart was softened to realize that it was alright to be powerless, that it was even a good thing. This was the first time in my life, that I remember feeling humility towards God. It didn't make me feel less than, it didn't make me feel weak. This humility made me feel strong, and “pointed towards God.”

Through, working he ARP steps, I feel like I have taken many steps in growing humility and desire to become one in heart and in mind with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. The selfish motivation, is being replaced with humility.

I still desire to heal from my addictions. Now, I want to do it, so that I can be strong enough to serve our Lord. I want to serve Him with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. I am committed to giving my life to Him, not so that he will heal me, or give me a new heart, but so that I can come unto Him.

Weaknesses Made Strong

Throughout my life, I have spent the majority of my time hoping for the best for everyone in my life. Along with this hope, I took action to bring the best for everyone. Sounds sweet, loving, and full of Christ like love right? That couldn't be further from the truth.

I do want the best for everyone, but not really for the best for them. I wanted to be the one that provided the best for them, so that they would love me. I wanted to be at every beck and call, providing for their need before they even knew they had needs. I slaved and cared for everyone even to refusing their help.

Meanwhile, I was angry inside and grew more and more resentful with every kind act. “Why can't they see all that I have done for them?” “Can't they just be thankful, this once?” “If I were to get really sick, would someone take care of me?” I carried a Savior complex towards everyone. Silently, I always wondered why no one really loved me. I believed that it was simply because I wasn't deserving of anyone's love. This believe drove my Savior complex even more, trying to earn their love even more.

What I didn't recognize is that our Heavenly Father, sent us here to this earth with the ability for our spirits to communicate with each other on a higher level. It doesn't matter what actions we give towards each other, it doesn't matter what words we say to each other, it only matters what our hearts say to each others spirit. My heart was at war towards everyone, I was on the defensive. I had armies building up walls to keep out the people that I thought I was trying to earn love from. I refused any act of kindness from anyone. I actually thought that these acts of kindness were lies, they were trying to get past my walls so they could hurt me. I had to show more kindness, so that I always look better than anyone else.

This battle raged within my heart and soul for so many years that I developed a waring heart of stone. War leaves many casualties, but the causality of my own heart is the topic of this entry. Not only was I at war with everyone else, I was at war with myself. The war that I waged with myself was the worst possible war anyone could wage.

The regret, and remorse for the pain I have caused my family runs so deep. I have limited my children's growth. I haven't developed or shared my talents with the world. I haven't magnified my calling here on this earth. How can I make this up to everyone? At this point I'm not going to address, the negative emotions, or self-damaging things I caused myself, because I want to talk about the cease-fire that recovery has offered.

Over this past year, since I have been in recovery and working the ARP steps I have learned that our Heavenly Father through the atoning love of Jesus Christ offers a way out. My heart has been softened, my heart has been opened. My mind has been educated, with new ideas. The lies, have begun to be discovered, and dismissed for the lies that they are.

I am being offered the opportunity to make amends to my loved ones through my healing, my new example, my learning how to love them and to support their growth and accepting their free agency. I still hope for the best for everyone I love, and I am becoming willing to allow our Heavenly Father, and brother, Jesus Christ to offer them what they think is best, and I just sit back and support that as I can.

We are all apart of something far bigger than any of us can imagine. Somehow, not knowing the bigger picture and just having faith that All is Well, All is Well has a soft sense of peace and a deep sense of joy that rings through my spirit.

I love working my program. I love sharing the forgiveness and the freedom that comes from coming to Christ. I love that I can begin to recognize my weaknesses, and my addictions for they point me toward Christ and remind me of where I am striving to be. I find rest in His arms, and the courage to keep enduring to the end, and in that my weaknesses have been made strong.