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Thursday, January 31, 2013

Old Thinking Patterns

My hubby and I are dissolving a working relationship with someone. There are some financial issues that still need to be finalized. Last year, there was an agreement as to how we would handle this financial situation. Now because of the dissolution of this relationship, I had become quit concerned about this outstanding financial issue.

In my concern, old thinking patterns have arose. Not a surprise, is it? This person hasn't fulfilled any of their obligations to this point, and I have no reason to believe that they will fulfill this one either. Out of my fear of loss, and my need for everything to be done "my way," my mind started racing with demands, and hurling insults.

Last night, as the conversation again confronted this financial issue, my mind started whirling with that same fear based demands. A new feeling became obvious in the mix of the old thinking and feeling patterns. What was this feeling? It was holding me back, in every second the feeling gained power, gained peace. The feeling was void of the fight, simply void of the fight.

Alright, so what if this financial issue doesn't get resolved the way I want it to? What choices does it leave me with? In circular fashion, begs the eternal question, "What do I have to lose?"

At this moment, God is granting me serenity, to know that I shouldn't be so demanding, and that I currently have unrealistic expectations. I can not change this, and secretly He promts, I might not want to. In this moment, I've been blessed with wisdom. I have the faith to know, that the Lord is mindful of me and my needs in ways I can't comprehend. 

Greg Olsen Copyright
May Angels Walk With You

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Know When To Hold 'Em

In 1978 Kenny Rogers recorded the song the Gambler. There is much to learn from the lyrics of that song. The chorus says You got to know when to hold’em, know when to fold’em, Know when to walk away and know when to run. The next verse says E’vry gambler knows that the secret to survivin is knowing’ what to throw away and knowing what to keep, Cause every hand’s winner and every hand’s a loser, and the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep.

I read these words today, and they sang a special song to my soul. Of course, I want to share that with you. As a Mom I tend to always want to hold on, and hold on I have. I had a belief that if I held on I could prevent my children from feeling the pains for failure. While I was holding on and avoiding failure, I also held on so tight that I prevented my children from enjoying their success. Looking back that is a hard truth for me to accept. 

Now, I strive to "invite" my children to join me, in projects that I have no idea how they will turn out. I've learned that my daughter hesitates to tell me no, even though it isn't reasonable for her to join in the project with me, due to something she thinks is important, like homework....She is afraid of hurting my feelings, or more so she afraid of my flipping out and being angry. She has every right to feel this way, it is going to take me a LONG time to earn her trust. 

I can say the same thing about my hubby. He's the most patient, and accepting person. He's had to be to live through my co-dependency, but more so my recovery. Since I've hid from my pain, and held on to it for so long, I have a hard time dealing with it now when it raises it's head.

The secret to what to throw away and what to keep, is highly personal, but I want to share a story with you. Many years ago, when I was fresh, fresh, fresh in recovery. I didn't even realize where I was. I was lead by an angel who one day asked me, a question. This question has proven to be one of the most important questions in all of my recovery. He asked, "What do you have to lose?" Deep in my own victimstance, my answer was EVERYTHING!, I frantically started to ramble off in my head what I had to lose, topping my list was ...My marriage... Even though my hubby and I had a decent loving marriage, it was still better than anything else I'd had in my life. Instead of looking at it like that, I wish I would have seen that I could throw away a marriage built on my lies, my fantasies, and my blindness to reality. 

Over the next coming years, I've let that marriage go! My hubby and I of 17 years are happier, and better off. WHY? I am becoming more honest, more honest with myself, and more honest with him. I learned to be willing to throw away, what I need to and keep the rest. Every hand is a winner, if I choose it to be, and every hand is a looser if I hold on to all the wrong stuff.

I have grown so much in my love and my faith in my Savior, Jesus Christ through my recovery journey home to Him. I know He knows me personally, He loves me, and He wants me to be encircled in His atoning arms of love. I also know that He wants these things for you too.

May Angels Walk With You.   

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Simplicity at it's Funnest...

Alright, I'm sure you've seem all the DIY cleaners on Pintrest and one some of the coolest blogs out there. I finally decided to take the plunge and make my own laundry soap. This is how it turned out...
It was so simple to make, and so easy to use. I have a sense of purpose every time I do a load of laundry. I am helping my family, my community, and the earth her self in a healthy way. 

Not only have I found a healthy way to serve others, it's also so simple. It drives me crazy how complicated I used to make thing...

Monday, January 28, 2013


I don't know about you, but I find it insanely crazy to set priorities. I want to do everything, and I want it done NOW! It's just that simple.

Currently, I have a pile of recipes strewn all over my desk. I have taken on the task to weed out the ones I don't really use, and organize the rest. I have also decided to make a digital recipe collection in Photoshop CS5. Which means, I'm creating all the recipe cards, and creating the recipe on each one of them. Like the example of the picture below. 

I also Digital Scrapbook for my family, and for clients...I have several projects that I'm working on. Here's one of my favorites.

I also have a wood project, I'm working on for my daughter's birthday, (which was last week), still unfinished on the kitchen table.

It looks like this...
...but it is supposed to look like this. 
(and it will when it's finished)

Four days ago, I adopted an Orphaned Piglet...He has taken more work than any of my little babies combined...He's a little cutie, and he's impossible to resist. 
Yep, you guessed it, he's in the house. He is 1 of 11 born in his litter, but the first night they all froze to death except for this little guy. Then his mother rejected him. 

I also have all the regular family obligations, cooking, cleaning, playing, studying. Did I mention I'm writing two books. They started as one, but somewhere in the middle made a division. Last, but not least it's tax season. Yeah!

Alright,  just like my usual style, I have way to many irons in the fire. It's a huge part of my co-dependent nature. I find myself here on a regular basis, I'd think I'd learn my limitations, but I don't. Somewhere inside, I have a deep "love" for jumping in with both feet. 

Some days, I love my life, and all the irons in the fire. Some days, like today when I've sleep deprived, I find that I've taken on to much and that my life is unmanageable as I am living it. There are days when I have to set back and truthfully, and honestly evaluate, what I can control, what is important and where some of the "crazy" snuck  back into my life. 

Friday, January 25, 2013

Relationships End

Over the past 17 years I became deeply invested in a very personal relationship. My to my surprise without any notice the relationship ended in August 2012. I was devastated. At the moment it was one of the biggest loses I've ever experienced.

Over the course of this relationship, the other person was and is very toxic. I would threaten to end the relationship, but I never followed through. Mainly, because the relationship feed my co-dependency. It gave me purpose. I had someone to "fix." Over the years of emotional roller coasters, and  their push me away, pull me in control issues, I just kept trying to make things better. 

Even after I was in recovery I didn't recognize the toxicity of this relationship. I didn't realize how cruel and manipulative this person is to me.  A couple years ago, I sat down several times to have what I call "check in" meetings with this person. During these check in meetings, I would talk about some of the self awareness I was discovering in myself, and subsequent changes I'd like to invite into our relationship. In word, things seems bright, and hopeful. I would also sit down with my children and explain changes I'd like to invite into our family.

Let me tell you a funny lil side story. I had to develop these check in meetings, because I'd make changes in my heart and in my mind and just ASSUME that my family and friends would be able to read my mind and just some how know the path I was on, and know the changes I wanted made...FUNNY-CRAZY right? Right! Besides the check in meetings, I will also wave my arms and exclaim "That reminds me..." I can still see my families eyes roll just thinking about what will come out of my mouth next....

Anyway, back on track...

A couple weeks later another emotional roller coaster ride, and there I'd go again fixing and rebuilding. Another check in meeting, and another discussion---Much to my pleasant surprise, sometimes the other person would initiate these check in meetings. 

Through, this I somehow turned a blind eye, that this wasn't the life the other person wanted. I started to create an imaginary relationship in my heart of bliss, equality, and growth. I continued to strive to build a healthy relationship, and overlook the ever present toxicity on our relationship. 

This unrealistic expectations of this relationship couldn't hold up, again much to my surprise, I used to be able to float along for a very long time on unrealistic expectations. I asked for another check in meeting, in an attempt to apologize for my expecting to much. I also explained that I would not ride the emotional roller coaster again ever! I explained how painful it was for me to see this person in a bad emotional place and how I wanted the best for them...I went on and talked for a while. (I can do that)

So the separation begins, and unknown to me, this was the final nail in the coffin of the relationship. My dear friend tested, and tested my promise to never ride the emotional roller coaster again. I will tell you, this was the hardest promise I've ever attempted to keep. I weakened at times, and tried to keep the lines of communication open.

One afternoon, much to everyone's surprise, especially this person I stood up for myself. I stood hard. The person walked out and never to speak to me again. Five months later, I'm still reeling from the lose of the relationship. But I realized I'm sad for the lose of the imagined relationship, not the real, yet toxic one.

I've continued an open conversation about this with my hubby, who is the greatest man in my life. Otherwise, I haven't talked about this until here. As you can tell, I'm being very protective of the person and their identity. Some of the readers here will know who this is, and I ask you to please don't ask me about it. I'm still in a very emotional place about the relationship and I can't talk objectively about it yet.

My point of telling you this, is in many ways I can't imagine how this other person couldn't let go of their emotional issues and stand on their own. On the other hand, I feel extremely guilty for feeding the monster inside this other person. When I met this person, they came with huge baggage, and I made sure from the begging I set ground rules that I wouldn't cross. I wonder if I would have played a different role in their life, would they have turned out stronger and more able to stand on their own???? (Ifin' and wishin')

I challenge you to take a serious look at the important relationships in your life, and the role that you actually play.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

A Lot of History

I have some catching up to do. I haven't written in a long time. I still have a lot to say, at least in my heart. My life has definitely changed, since I last wrote here. 

To begin with my search for simplicity has taken on a "real" dimension in my life.  I have sold off many of the larger items in my home and in my life that was just taking up space. I have also sold off some smaller things. There is a "real" inspiration to doing a little cleaning out the closet. Both physically and emotionally. I have come to the realization that, as I was stuck in my ever pleasing manner of co-dependency, I collected physical things in an attempt to fill the emotional voids in my life. The truth is, I found comfort in being surrounded by things that could never love me, simply because they could never hurt me either.  

This realization has been hard to accept, but beautiful as well. Imagine how hard it is to let go of these things...In theory I told myself it was a way to make a little extra income. Although, true it was still a lie I was telling myself to make the separation easier.  There was a lot of heartache watching these things walk out the door with other people.

Looking back, it was some of the best gift I could have ever given myself. There is a freedom in letting go. There is a sense of weightlessness in letting go.

Tomorrow, I'm going to talk about a relationship I was forced to let go of...That has been so hard and so heartbreaking. I've come to a point where I find joy in that the relationship is over, and how toxic it was without me even recognizing it.

Until tomorrow. May Angels Walk With You