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Thursday, March 31, 2011

I AM the Continual Creating of One Self

March is know for the phrase in like a lion, out like a lamb. Boy, I now know I can roar like a lion. I realize that I can roar like I lion the best when I am at war with myself. Did I ever take over and stick it in manual overdrive.

Sure you have heard me talk about it a lot lately. What is important is that you hear how sneaky it came over me. I am so regretful, of my behavior. The question here is who did I go to war against? The people that I was in collusion with or myself? Is it possible to go to war against anyone other than ourselves? I am here to propose the answer, NO. The only person we can go to war against is ourselves. The self that is the reflection of the Lord, in that we are also the I AM that is continually creating ones self.

In the Bible, God calls Himself, I AM, when Moses ask him who sent me. Hebrew language translates I AM to continually creating ones self. If God is everywhere, even within ourselves than as the I AM is within my soul, then when I am at war, it can only be at war with the I AM within myself.

This resonates with my soul deeply. This is where I stand up and take responsibility for my heart at war, and it is caused when I take over and stick it in manual over drive.

This blog post is to publicly declare that no matter who you are, we need to dedicate our lives to live the life that the Lord has orchestrated for us! Turning our will over to the Lord doesn't take away our agency, it affords us freedoms from guilt, self-lothing, and from fear.

I want to develop a group of people that wants to be free of guilt, self-lothing, and from fear. I want to invite you to join me, in developing a special group of people. Please email me, and let's talk. I look forward to hearing from you. Meanwhile, May Angels Walk With You.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Appropriate Help

Yesterday's post ended with the idea of me wanting to help. How do I know what is appropriate when it comes to helping? I have come to realize my life didn't get hijacked, I sabotaged myself, by inappropriately helping to an extreme.

Alright, so the question is what is appropriate help? A huge weakness of mine is little kids. In this particular situation I find myself in has two little children involved. I want to reach out and “save” them. Don't little children need saving?

A while ago, I heard a story from a father whose two sons sometimes are put in dangerous situations. As I asked him, how he deals with that this father lovingly told me the following:

As these children sat with our Father in Heaven, before they were born. He explains how He would like them to come to earth to this family. He tells these children how living in this family, with the trials and hardships they will face, will help them grow and also help their parents grow and become more refined. These children's hearts were full of love for their parents as they gladly accepted this call from our Heavenly Father.

This story serves the same purpose for the children that I've been trying to “save.” These don't need my saving. They are living their calling, and I need to live mine. Maybe the best way to help my family is to live my program in manner to invite them to join me.

I need to be polarized in the concept that I need to work my program everyday in the way, I know works to keep my close to the Lord and further away from taking control. 

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Working My Program

I know it has been a few days since I've written. I've needed some time to process some things that have happened personally, or maybe I've been hiding from myself. I'm still not sure what to feel about some things, but maybe talking them out with myself, and of course you will help.

As I have talked about recently I have allowed other people to take over my life. I can't avoid the cliche the straw broke the camel’s back. I became very polarized in my thinking at that point. Sadly, I have to admit that I, honestly, thought the ARP wasn't what I should be working on. I lied and said that working my program doesn't work for me. Inside I believed that this program worked for me. I knew that all this work has brought me closer to the Lord, and opened my eyes to a light of warmth and love. I just couldn't see how I could have moved to this beautiful place, and without my family. Suddenly, I was more alone in the world than ever before. I realized that I couldn't let go of this life of hell if it meant leaving my family behind.

To make things worse, during a collusion I went to war. This war was flamed by the polarized way I was thinking. Yes, this person was begging for me to treat them this way, but that doesn't justify my behavior. Yes, everything I said was true still it doesn't justify my behavior. I could have found a way a long time ago to take back the life I was allowing to be taken from me, and maybe this collusion wouldn't have ever happened.

The point is I haven't taken responsibility for my behavior for a long time. If I don't take my personal responsibility for not working my program like I know works, than I have no room to complain. Actually, if I work my program, than I likely wouldn't have the desire to complain. Maybe I would even be incline to help.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Time of New Birth

I love this wonderful time of year. I love this Spring more than any other one in the past. I AM this Spring, it's my time! I was driving along the highway early this morning. Since, I live in rural Idaho I have the privilege to watch all the new calves around the valley. This year, I've noticed several of the calves, playing “King of the Hill.” What is King of the Hill? It's a game that I've played with the kids, that challenges them to be their best. Here are these little brand new calves running and playing to the top of the hills in their corrals. They are being adventurous, courageous, and just being who they are meant to be.

Being my true self, that is being born this Spring. I can be adventurous, courageous, and be who I AM. What a fearless and creative process I AM embarking on!

I feel there is a natural flow to my life, I don't feel rushed, or the urge to slow down. Today, I made a somewhat poor decision. My early appointment ran later than I expected, so I slipped into manual overdrive and rushed off to my next appointment. I calculated that it would be a faster route to turn on a certain street. Surprise! They are widening the road. Construction orange doesn't even begin to define how crazy this decision was. I could feel the anxiety was creeping up my chest, and making itself clear that I had made a horrible decision. I'm going to be late for my next appointment.

Suddenly, it hit me that this craziness and anxiety wasn't going to change anything. No not anything. It definitely wasn't going to make the cars in front of me have the ability to go faster, the flaggers weren't going to magically turn there signs around and they would say GO FAST.

I was able to recognize the truth in the situation. I also accepted that all things in the Lord's time. I will get there when the time is right. And so it was.

I arrived and the perfect parking spot was waiting for me. I rushed in, and went to check in. She asked for my card. I offered it to her. They didn't accept my card. Crazy? I stood there and realized that it never mattered if I was on time. I realized that there wasn't ever a reason to be that wound up. There was only a reason for me to accept the Lord's time line, since He already knew they didn't accept my card.

I'm so thankful I was able to make what might be considered a wrong turn. I am thankful I could use this as an opportunity to find a calm, in the mist of a storm. I am thankful, I can recognize the Lord's hand in my life. I know that this bread crumb, strengthened my truth and faith in the Lord.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

My Life Continuing in Peace

My life has developed a strong sense of peace, yet my heart still wages war. I'm really struggling with step 8 forgiveness. I'm stuck! My struggles seem to not to stem from how I was wronged, but how certain people continue to wrong me.

How do I forgive someone that doesn't believe they are wronging me? How do I forgive someone that believes they are the victim of this life, and they have no responsibility in rectifying it? I know this next statement is a victim stance statement, I'm going to continue anyway. I have worked and continually work on overcoming my weaknesses and addictions. I know I have progressed closer to my Savior. The people in my life that continually wrong me, seem to minimize my efforts. Not only do I continuously feel wronged, I also feel mocked in my recovery.

Through my recovery I have learned so much about the Lord's forgiveness, especially in my own sins. I have felt the miracle of the scriptures, and the peace of giving up my sins to know Him. Often I refer to Abilgail's story in 2 Samual. I know I've talked about how she is a type of Christ, that represents Christ asking me to accept His payment for the sins and wrongs of others. Why can I not let go of my anger? How do I connect what I've learned in my mind, and what I've learned in my heart to these people and this anger?

Somehow, in the mist of my anger I am blessed with a peace. The anxiety that made up my life, is almost completely gone. I have a new faith, and trust in my Lord, and Savior Jesus Christ. I know that Jesus Christ will be patient with my growing and resolving my anger. I know that He will sustain me in this trial. I know that Jesus Christ will take away this anger when I have been refined sufficiently for His good. There is another lesson in patients for me here. I know that all things are in the Lord's time, and my anger will one day be offered the opportunity to be silenced and allow peace and love to replace it. Meanwhile, I will continue to work my 12 step program and pray diligently to know where I can be in the service of the Lord. 

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Perfect Brightness of Hope

Times are changing fast. It is amazing how I am offered the opportunity to be patient. It is embarrassing to say, but I remember when I used to joke every time the Lord offered me the chance to learn more patience and to learn to trust in the Lord's time line, I would openly jest that there just wasn't a way I could learn and that the Lord should just give up.

I am so thankful that the Lord was loving and forgiving and kept offering me the opportunity to accept Him, and to turn my heart over to Him. This weekend, I was able to spend some evaluable time with my mom. She told some stories, that I wish I could share to demonstrate my points. Anyway, she told some stories that opened my eyes to a reality of our family history that invite me to view things differently. The stories touched my heart, and I was filled with compassion and empathy for people in my past.

Here in the Lord's time, He has opened a door of opportunities. Opportunities to let go, to forgive, to find peace and eternal joy in my family and our history. Circumstances, define our past, but don't have to dictate our present nor our future. Understanding where I came from, has helped me define who I am, and why. This has given me the opportunity to peacefully lay down some of my shortcomings, without grudging feelings toward my past.

We can only do, what we know. As I've matured I have found the heart to search for something bigger than myself. With that search I've found that love has always been in my life, but sometimes is covered up by false perceptions and of course FEAR. I've done the best I can with these false perceptions and FEAR because it's all I've known. Now, things are different, things are opening up to a beautiful world of possibilities, of love, of a life of truth within myself.

Thank you, Mom for sharing. I really appreciate your courage in the hardships you face. Your example gives me courage and strengthens me so that I can work through my issues. I'm looking forward to a brighter tomorrow, as we can enjoy a “perfect brightness of hope.” (2 Ne 31:20) I love you Mom.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Good Morning, May I Help You?

I am sorry that I haven't written regularly. I have had somewhat of a relapse, in that, I have allowed life and other people to over take my recovery. I'm back! Rededicated, to my recovery, and you will see me writing very regularly.

Today's blog entry, is especially sensitive to me. I wrote this in direct relation to step 1, and admitting I'm powerless to overcome my addictions.  Although, I'm asking you to be candid in your comments, please be gentle.

Good-Morning, May I Help You?

Rise and shine, wiping another sleepless night from my eye.
     I can do this, I always do
     Good-Morning, may I help you?

My little hands and big heart work to fulfill your every desire, burning the candle at both ends. It's just what love is?

Alone again at the end of another day: drying another dish, wiping away one more tear. My heart reaches for tomorrow, there will be love there; I will make sure.
     I can do this, I always do
     Good-Morning, may I help you?

As the tears fall into the night, the darkness sets in my eyes. The dizzy days disappear one by one. My heart reaches for tomorrow, I secretly hope never comes.

My tears flow to an ocean deep in my soul, the water rises harmlessly. It's just what love is? Even swimming against the current of my tears, I know
     I can do this, I always do
     Good-Morning, may I help you?

Enveloped by the darkness, the pain of my tears are too deep. Over taken in self-pity and despair.
     I can't do this Like I always do.

Silently, drowning in the hell of my own making comes a whisper of love.
     Good-Morning, may I help you?

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

My Repressed Feelings

I sit before you this morning humbled. As I reflect on the days past I know that the Lord is softly guiding me and offers me tender mercies in my trials. I have an endless list of things to be thankful for, and I am to be sure.

I have to admit, that I know that I'm not worthy of the love and mercy that I am offered. In my heart there has been brewing some feelings that I have desperately tried to repress. Of course, repressing feelings can only last so long, before they come crashing in and make themselves known anyway.

I have received so many blessings being in ARP. My hear has been softened toward God, and miracles have happened in my life. My heart still hurts. My heart is still filled with great anger towards myself. The self hatred that I have feel is normal in my life, is still very much there.

I haven't wanted to face these feelings, because I don't want to be a failure at this too. These feelings are real, and really scary. Honestly, I don't know how to forgive myself. I don't think it is a matter of just letting go, it feels bigger than that. I look at how I feel, and ask myself...”Forgive this trespasses.” How do I forgive Christ, for my trespasses, as He is asking? How do I overcome, wanting to be so cruel to myself?

I have learned so much, and have been given in my heart so much. How do I make them real for myself?

When I'm able to look beyond the depth of the way I feel. I have peace a greater than that I've ever known. Have I somehow for a short time given this to Christ, and then took it back? Is my faith so weak, that I can't sustain the goodness I've received?

It is so hard to admit here that I feel this way, because I wanted to provide a place that brings peace, and shows how beautiful healing is. I wanted to show the great things that come through ARP. Instead, I'm writing of this huge weakness that I am suffering through. 

Monday, March 14, 2011

Step 3-Turning My Life Over To The Lord

Life has brought me a strange new level of peace. Since I have been in recovery, I have had many examples of the Lord's time. I have had experiences that have proven that the Lord loves me, and watches out for me, where I can no longer deny my Heavenly Father brings things to me in just the right time.

I have nothing to fear. For example, I have been viewing something with Jim and if my views were right I really needed to be patient and love him. Over the weekend, he says, “I guess I'm feeling...” As he explained to me how he felt, the sense of peace and love for him overwhelmed. My view of where I thought he was is right, and I have deep compassion for him in his struggles. I know that I would feel very similar to him, and likely act in a similar way. I am so thankful the Lord blessed me with slow action, and a quiet heart. I'm convinced the Lord will continue to bless our family with His tender mercies and sustain Jim in his rightous desires. This trial that our family is going though isn't what it appeared to be, rather a lesson in love and acceptance.

Yesterday, Britney and I took the kids to town. It was so much fun! I love spending time with my family. Again, I learned I have nothing to fear. The more I relaxed and enjoyed the funner it got. I can see the hand of the Lord firmly in my life now. He brings peace and joy whenever I am not trying to control things.

The other night at ARP we talked about step 3, turning our life over to God. I have been blessed with being shown the difference between the misery of trying to control my life and the lives of other, and allowing the Lord to shower my life with peace and joy.

The trials in my life aren't what I saw them as. I saw my life as a series of punishments for my sinful acts. Lately, I have seen a change in what these trials are. The trials that are currently in my life, seem to be offering me an opportunity to love others, especially the wonderful people in my family. Of course, it can't go without saying, my current trials offer me the continual opportunity to turn my heart toward God.

Step 3 has been very difficult for me. I wonder if I turn my life over to God, does that make me a failure? Who would I be? My identity is built on what I do, and I control. I take action to that which comes to my mind. The Lord has patiently shown me, that isn't who I am. He is showing me that not only is it safe to turn my life over to Him, but it brings a beauty, a peace, a joy that is beyond my imagination. I long to turn my life over to my Lord, fully. My heart is full of gratitude for His love, and His patience toward me. 

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Avoiding Pain

"You don’t take Vicodin because you’re scared. You take it so you won’t feel pain. Everything you’ve ever done is to avoid pain. Drugs, sarcasm...keeping everybody at arm’s length so no one can hurt you…Pain happens when you care. Y-you can’t love someone without making yourself open to their problems, their fears. And you’re not willing to do that." This is quote from the television show House. This is a perfect description of my life. Even now that I am in recovery I still find that I do things to avoid pain. The more I work my recovery program that more I recognize my addictions, or at least I'm able to be willing to admit my addictions.

As I consider my own unbelief and my attempts to avoid pain, it helps me accept other people in their problems. It helps me to step back and not cast judgment towards others or to take offense.

As I am taking step 8--Forgiveness-- and I think about the people that have offended me, and have found sympathy in that there is a good chance that the person wasn't out to hurt me, but to prevent themselves from being hurt. I know what it feels like to be in a self-protection mode, and to act out to avoid being hurt. Maybe I don't need to forgive someone, but instead admit that I was mistaken about my perspective of the situation. Jim has told me several times when I get upset, that they didn't act that way to hurt me. It's kinda funny how he says it...”Do you really think she woke up this morning and said to her self. I'm going to do something really stupid that will have horrible consequences to me, just so I can hurt Tisha.” I hate it when he ask me this in the middle of my tantrum, because it always knocks me back to reality. Every time, I have to answer “No, they wouldn't have thought that.” When I admit, they weren't out to hurt me, my argument falls apart.

I've been taking a deeper look at the things I need to forgive myself for. I have learned through the story of Abigail that Christ is asking me to forgive Him for my sins, my weaknesses, my addictions, and everything that falls into that. If I continue to insist that I pay a higher price, or continue to punish myself for my past actions, then I'm saying to Christ that His atoning sacrifice wasn't good enough for me. That I know better, my plan is better. I fall into the trap of the plan of Satan. I must find a way to come to peace with my past behavior and the stoney heart I've built.

I now have an understanding of the atonement of Christ in my mind. With that understanding I need to welcome it into my heart. I don't believe that I can honestly forgive anyone else of their trespasses against me, or to ask forgiveness of anyone else on my behalf until I can welcome Christ atonement into my heart. Meanwhile, I'm still consumed with avoiding pain.

How does being consumed with avoiding pain prevent me from welcoming the atonement into my life?

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Personalized 12 Step Progrm

As I have been talking to other people it is so neat to see how personalized we have all made our 12 step program. Our outward addictions can be so very different, but our stories are all so similar. I've discovered that other people have felt as hopeless and desolate that I have felt.

I recognize the different levels of commitment people have towards working the program. For me, especially, these steps are hard, but more than hard they are terrifying. It sometimes feels impossible to work through the hell of feelings: fear, guilt, pride, and anxiety. There are moments I feel like if I quit and give up working my program, then I would not have to be accountable.

With each step, I take steps toward breaking down the lies that, up to this point, have been the foundation for that which I've built my life on. As I am faced with the realization of my life, I am forced to make a choice—Continue to accept the lie and find a new way to cover it up OR admit I am powerless and this lie has become unmanageable.

If this lie is exposed, my life I worked so hard for would be ruined and I say that like it is catastrophic! I didn't have hope, faith, or any idea that my life could be any other way than worse.

Alma 5:5 They were in captivity and again the Lord did deliver them out of bondage by the power of His word.

I had no idea I was in bondage to my lies and the way I was thinking and believing. Looking back it was as the Lord began freeing me from the bondage of my lies is when I began to recognize I was even in bondage.

When I was first coming into recovery every time one of these lies was exposed I felt a strong sense of self-preservation, franticly I would scurry around in desperation to find a new way of covering it up. For the most part, It isn't you I was hiding these lies from; I needed to hide them from myself. I couldn't admit my lies to myself, to others, or to God. I felt like my life was spiraling out of control. I felt like someone threw water on the wicked witch, (me) and I was melting in slow, painful, torture.

Now as I look at my life I am still fearful when a lie is exposed. I still feel tempted to try to cover up the lies, instead of desperately attempting to cover them up I turn my heart towards the heavens and humbly admit I'm powerless. I recognize I'm not worthy of the grace of God. I recognize all the grace and tender mercies He has offered me, then I take action. I start praying for God to sustain me through this, and I start stepping my steps as honestly as I can.

At the end of the day I find that my heart is full of gratitude and love for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for the tender mercies and grace He showered upon me through the day. 

Be Still--Right Now

I have to credit Rozanne Paxman for this absolutely beautiful writing. She is a very spiritual and in tune woman. I love her writings. This particular writing spoke very close to my heart. I felt a strong urge to post it here on my blog.

Through following the ARP steps, I've learned that Being Still is critical to staying close to the Lord. It is so easy for me to allow the chatter in my mind to drawn out the whispering of the Lord. This is something that I know I always need to stay vigilant in doing. I haven't come far enough from my old patterns to trust that I am safe. The chatter comes into my mind, and threatens to take over. I don't always find it convenient to stop and be still, or sometimes I don't even think about it.

This writing from Ro Paxman has helped me create a model that can help me tune into the love and light of Christ so that I can be still and allow the flow of His love to sustain me and lift me up.

Simply Being Still
"Be like the promontory against which the waves continually break but stands firm and tames the fury of the water around it." – Marcus Aurelius

Be still. Right now.
Close your eyes and imagine that you are sitting on a hill far from the city, the moon shining across the tops of the trees. You hear silver-dollar-shaped leaves of Quaking Aspens trembling in the breeze. You smell musty earth mixed with pine needles. You feel the cool earth beneath you.
There is no one to speak and disturb your thoughts... and you ask yourself who you are and why you are here. You listen to a small, still voice inside of you whisper... and you know that you are more than you have thought yourself to be. You are a child of God... and you become strong as the thought flows through your mind.
Be still. Right now.
Know who you are and what you are and what you are meant to be, and you will discover a firmness of mind that the greatest philosopher, doctor of medical science, or the most brilliant politician cannot transmit to you. Know that you were given gifts of great importance that you were meant to share. They are important simply because they are yours, and it is important that you use them.
Be still. Right now.
You do not have to be thrown about with waves of thought, doubt, and confusion any longer. You do not have to go here and there, seeking acceptance. Once you discover that God is the steadying force of your soul, you will relax, look about, and see how mankind's fascination with scurrying about, chasing rainbows, and seeking recognition causes one to miss that which would make one feel true joy.
Be still. Right now.
Consider the foundation you are standing on. Is it firm or sandy? Are you wobbling back and forth on a pencil tip, waiting for someone else to write a permission slip for you to seek what you were meant to share with the world? Or are you walking forward - self-propelled - because you have learned that the world will not voluntarily give you permission to do anything but sit in a corner and wait.
Be still. Right now.
Listen to the stillness tell you that joy is found in being true to self, no matter who you interact with. Hear the core of your heart teach you that reacting with grace and honor, despite a hurricane of spite or anger coming from within, brings you one step closer to the peace you seek.
Be still. Right now.
Hear the sound of crickets chirping on a warm summer's night. See the North Star shining in the dark skies. Feel the calm that comes from knowing that you are who you were meant to be. Find the firmness of soul that comes from
Simply Being Still

Monday, March 7, 2011

Being More Fearless

What a crazy long weekend this has been! Life, rushed in and took over. Harley had a clinic Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. It was all about loading horses, and hauling up the canyon to the freezing cold. I'm not sure I will ever get warm. In fact, I highly doubt it. When I went out to do chores this morning, I felt so bitter cold. It wasn't really that cold, I just haven't gotten warm all the way through yet.

Long, cold, endless days at the indoor arena supporting Harley was such a wonderful teaching experience for me. I learned that Jim is simply more than amazing. I know that I talk Jim up all the time. This time he showed even himself up. He was so kind, lovingly, and selfless that I learned I need to really need to be more like him.

Jim asked which day would be best for us for him to take off work to help us. Even though I assured him that I could take care of things he insisted to help. Jim was right there helping and comforting no matter what. We had a slight issue with the horse trailer that couldn't be immediately fixed. Jim went to work on Sunday and came home to help us load up and got us settled at the arena and then went back to work.

Inspite of the never ending cold it was a wonderful weekend, because of Jim. I was able to listen to the clinic instructor, and learn what I could from her so that I can be a better support to Harley.

As I got colder and colder, Jim stepped up and helped more with the horses and getting Harley ready. My emotions started to get the best of me, and Jim was so clam and loving. On Sunday, when Jim was at work I tried to do the things that he had. It sure was hard to keep everything together. This is where I really started to appreciate Jim more and more.

How does this tie into my recovery, or maybe yours? It is an example of Christ-like love. It is am example of how even though I have these addictions Christ loves me enough to provide me with such an amazing husband to see me through. As I consider step 2-Hope. I am filled with Hope that forgiveness is real, and miracles happen. I know that Jim is a miracle to me.

Watching the girls in the clinic, over come struggles, and fears was amazing. At the end of the day they we were so tired. As they drug themselves and their horses out of the arena the look of satisfaction on their faces was so motivating to me. I learned so much about being fearless, I am inspired by these girls to be a better person a more fearless person. 

Thursday, March 3, 2011

The Beauty of Light

I have been blessed to have a love for photography, since I was really young. When I was younger came the greatest craze ever, Scrapbooking! I know that there are many views and opinions regarding scrapbooking, and that's just alright. I have gone through times when I've had friends that would get together and we would scrap all night long, eat snacks (lots of snacks) and probably do more chatting than scrapping. Right now, that isn't the case. I still love photography and scrapbooking, but the all nighters with friends are gone by the way side. Sometimes I miss the socialization, and the creative ideas from great people.

I am so deeply grateful that I have been able to take a couple of photography classes this fall/winter. I also have gotten to take a fabulous photography computer class. These classes have given me so many wonderful growing opportunities. I have learned that I really love looking at things. I love noticing the details. I love beautiful things, and it's easy to find beauty in all things. This has been an opportunity to fall in love with the simple, delicate, and profound details that the Lord gave me to invite me to find joy in this life.

The prophets have commanded us to record our family history. Through the blessings of scrapbooking I can record our history and provide a way for my family to enjoy it for many generations. This past year I have started to scrapbook digitally. WOW, what a complex world digital scrapbooking is. It is challenging to create something that is digital to look “real.” It is also a total blast to create something that you couldn't have if you scrapbooked it the traditional way, (on paper.) I love that it is financially cheeper, and easy to share with family and friends.

I know that my love for photography and scapbooking offers me the opportunity to recognize gifts from God, especially my family. A concept that is taught in photography, is that everything is light. We don't take pictures of things, we make pictures of light. With that being said, I am drawn to the first scripture my Dad helped me memorize: Doctrine and Covenants 93:36 The glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth.

How does this scripture relate to my views on photography? As I look through the viewfinder of my camera at the light, that our most loving God in His glory and intelligence gave to me I have found many truths. The truths that I have found help me grow and to assist my heart to be softened and turn toward Him.

I challenge you today as you journey through your day, to bask in the light that God has showered on you and your loved ones. What truths can you find, that strengthen you and sustain you?

Wednesday, March 2, 2011


This morning as I read 1 Samuel 25, I want to really consider Abigal's gift to David.
1 Samuel 25:24 Abigail...fell at his feet, and said Upon me, my lord, upon me let this iniquity be;...

What is Abigail asking? How is she a type of Christ in this moment? Mainly, my question is what is the difference between my “Savior complex” and being a type of Christ? That question aside, what I'm beginning to understand is Christ paid for the sins of Nabal and the sins of David. Christ is asking us to forgive Him. Upon me Christ let this iniquity be. The people on my list, that I need to forgive, including myself really don't need to be forgiven. Christ falls at my feet, and says unto me...Upon me, Christ, let this iniquity be. To withhold forgiveness from anyone is withholding forgiveness from Christ. It is in a way, saying that the price He paid wasn't good enough, and that I demand more.

Instead of looking for ways, to feel I deserve something from others, to right their wrongs with me. I need to be willing to accept that Christ has paid that price to me on their behalf, and accept that His price, His ransom, out weighs anything they could possibility do to right the wrong.

As for asking for forgiveness from others, the story of Abigail, and David shows that it really wasn't Nabal that needed to be forgiven. It was David that needed to forgive. That was the gift that Abigail offered David. A man with a stoney and war filled heart. If he would forgive, then there would be room for Christ in his heart. It doesn't matter if anyone forgives me for any wrongs I've done against them. It is if I am humble enough to ask forgiveness, and give them the opportunity to accept Abigail's gift to them. The rest is between them and Christ, and me and Christ each individually and collectively.