Thanks for visiting my blog. I have a strong belief in the preservation of family. I love keeping records and memorabilia of our family and everything we do. I have created a website to share some of the wonderful memories I have of my family and of many others that I have been blessed to have been behind the camera for. I invite you to visit my photography website, while you are there if you would like to schedule a photo setting all the information is there. I am a Scrap 4 Hire, which means, I will gladly preserve your family history for you. All you have to do is make the memories.... When you are done here, please visit

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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Day was Long

The day was long. My mind was cluttered. I searched for words to pray, but lacking my own, I began to sing a sweet hymn written by Philip Doddridge (1702-1751) whose prayerful words lifted my voice to the Heavens.
How gentle God's commands!
How kind His precepts are!
Come, cast your burden on the Lord
And trust His constant care.
"Yes, trust," I thought, as the words escaped my lips. "I'll trust His constant care. He doesn't leave me; I leave Him. If I stay, He's here. I don't have to be alone."
Beneath His watchful eye,
His Saints securely dwell;
That hand which bears all nature up
Shall guard His children well.
The hand that guards me... it is the same hand that led me through years of thick depression when faith in Him was the only light I could see. It is the same hand that guides me through challenges that would otherwise leave me perplexed. It is the same hand that plucked me from the swimming pool before I drowned, that held the truck steady during a 360-degree spin on a busy road, and that grasped mine tightly as I traveled through the veil to bring babies to this world during childbirth. Yes - oh, yes - He guards me well.
Why should this anxious load
Press down your weary mind?
Haste to your Heav'nly Father's throne
And sweet refreshment find.
I kneel at His throne twice a day, as a child speaking to her Father. I thank Him and praise Him, but then I do what most children do when they find themselves alone with their dad; I whine. "My day was hard," I remind Him, forgetting that He knows my experience exactly. "I'm confused. My legs ache. The kids are driving me crazy. I feel bad that I did - or said - or thought - that thing."
He doesn't mind my complaints and worries, but sits on His throne, patiently listening, encouraging, cheering, reaching, and waiting... waiting for the words to fall at His feet so He can lift them up and carry my burdens on His strong back. I've given Him my concerns in exchange for His lighter load of love, peace, joy, and hope.
Refreshed, I stand and sing again.
His goodness stands approved,
Unchanged from day to day;
I'll drop my burden at His feet
And bear a song away.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Thank You!

Thank you so much to everyone for your sweet emails of concerns this past week. I really needed this week to regroup and to reground with my life. I've sat in the hot tub of all places and just let life take on a clearer perspective.

As I have talked about lately, I've needed to get clear. Stress has a way of giving me the desire to “take over” I have had a lot of conflict about what I think I want to do, and what I definitely shouldn't do. Which are really the same thing.

I found that in my reality it was really best for me, to step way out this past week. I went to the opposite extreme and kind of shut down. It was really good for me, in that I learned that the doesn't stop turning just because I stop trying to get things to go my way...What a marvelous perspective! In fact the more I stepped back, and sort of shut down the smoother things went. I found out the people really do the things they say they will, and when they say they would. Things this week have worked out, I'm not suggesting there aren't any bumps. The bumps have smoothed themselves out or at least I know they will.

I have so much gratitude for how blessed I am to be able to learn that it's alright, and even much better than I could have ever hoped to just back up and watch how beautifully the Lord orchestrates the masterpiece of my life.

Instead of shutting down from now on, I'm just going to back up and stay connected in my life. I'm going to strive to continue to turn my life over to the care of our Lord. I'm sure that times are going to get really hard, and I'm going to slip. It isn't a matter of slipping, it's a matter of not having a pitty party, and getting up and just keep on keeping on. 

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Let's Dance in the Rain

The funniest thing happened yesterday afternoon...There are so many lessons to be learned from this experience and I want to share that with you.

On Tuesday, I had told my daughter that I would take her to practice her rodeo advents at the arena on the edge of town. About the time, I was supposed to take her something came up and I couldn't take her. Needless to say my daughter was seriously upset. Her practice time with her horse it truly important to her. She is a strong example of dedication to something you love. Seeing how upset she was, I PROMISED to take her every evening, without fail. That is a big promise, with big consequences if I don't follow through.

So Wednesday, the weather was rainy on and off all day. My daughter text me on her lunch break, and said she still wanted to go. As school was getting out, I loaded up the horse trailer, goat, and horse, in the rain. I realized as the rain dripped off the hood of my hoody that this is really funny. I didn't stop to consider the consequences, I just kept getting ready.

When my daughter came home, she made a sandwich and as we pulled out, she asked me “Are you sure you want to go? I don't want you to get cold.” In side I laughed again, as I told her how funny I thought this was and I wanted to go, and make sure I kept my promise.

We arrived at the arena, and started to unload the horse and goat. My beautiful daughter, started to laugh as she figured out she was wet and cold. She realizing that I had gone to an effort for her, she was hesitant to decide she wanted to go home. As we were headed home, my daughter says “I don't think I thought this through very well.” (What a lesson she learned) “We gave it a good try, and it just didn't work out.”

It was so funny. I'm not sure that the situation was funny, but what was so funny is how I felt. I felt like we were dancing in the rain. I felt like this was an opportunity to bond with my girl and to make a memory that will last us for the rest of our lives. I can just hear the story being told through the years, “Do you remember the afternoon, we gave it a good try, and it just didn't work out?....”
Besides making a great memory, I learned that my daughter needs to learn lessons on her own. Allowing her to learn these lessons, can't hurt her. We might get soggy, but not hurt. I learned I won't melt if I get rained on. I learned that I like being out in the rain, as it danced on my hoody. I took a chance, and loved it!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Dealing with Stress in Life

There are some very concerning stressors in my life right now! I am finding it increasingly challenging to stay grounded and at peace. I find my physical body wondering to the same ole' retreats, headaches, food obsession, and sleepless nights. I find my emotional body wondering to anxiety, crazy thinking, and FEAR. Spritually, I am continually thinking of how loved I am by the Lord. I have been blessed so greatly even in my addictions. I have an advocate in the Lord.
These stressors in my life right now, are not here to hurt or punish me, they are here to test what I have learned up to this point, and to further strengthen me in the Lord. Although, I know this to be true, I still struggle to make this truth a firm place in my heart.
I am lifted up by The Serenity Prayer, and hopefully you will be too.
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.
Proverbs 3, 5-6

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Enduring Well

A worthwhile attitude for all of us could well be, “Help us, O Lord, to remember thy love for us and help us to be fortified by thy strength when our eyes are blurred with tears of sorrow and our vision is limited.”

It is expedient for all of us, particularly those who may be weighed down by grief because of acts of misconduct or misfortune, to recall that even the Prophet Joseph Smith had hours of despair because of his very trying experiences in the Liberty Jail. Perhaps he too was entitled to question, “What did I do wrong? What have I done to displease Thee, O Lord? Where have I failed? Why are the answers to my prayers and pleas withheld?” In response to the feelings of his heart and mind he cried out:
O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?” (D&C 121:1.)

The reassuring response came:
My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.” (D&C 121:7–8.)

The promise God gave to Joseph Smith is a promise for all of us: “If thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes,” and also over heartaches caused by misconduct of loved ones.
Marvin J. Ashton, “‘If Thou Endure It Well’,” Ensign, Nov 1984, 20

When I was struggling in my life before I started to come to Christ, I couldn't endure life well. I could only endure the Hell I was in. My eyes were blurred with my tears of sorrow, and self-pity. Even when the Lord offered His strength I couldn't accept that.
Now in my recovery on my journey home to Him. It is helpful and truly necessary for me to remember these times, these feelings, so that I can be motivated to relieing on the Lord.

When it comes to enduring my current hardships, it doesn't seem like enduring, it is more like learning. I feel safe, and I feel like I can't be hurt. Not that I feel like indestructible, but like I'm safely in His arms. I feel courage to do the things that are in front of me.

I'm still human and I get sacred, and I stumble (a lot). That's okay. I'm fallible, and that is how I learn. Meanwhile, Christ keeps me safe to make mistakes. I'm like a little baby learning to walk. I'm shaky, unsteady, and it's one baby step at a time, of course I fall down. Slowly and surely I will keep trying until I get it. Like any good parent, I know He is there holding me steady and picking me up when I fall.

Monday, May 16, 2011


For my whole life I thought that talents were things that I didn't have, and couldn't develop. Singing for example, if I sing women gather up their children and take off running, and birds fall off their perches. It just isn't a pretty thing.

As I have come into recovery I have begun to recognize that talent doesn't always have to be a physical thing like singing. I can tell my story of recovery and I can do it the best I can. I can have compassion for other people going through similar struggles, and help life them up.

I can utilize my studies of the scriptures, so that when I talk with people I can refer them to scriptures that have lifted me up, and helped me endure hardships.
Sure I have the desire and I enjoy many physical talents, but I'm not perfected in any of them. I'm not perfected in telling my story nor having compassion for others, and that's alright. As I come through each day, I can do the best I can as I work to magnifying my talents in Christ.

As I look at the vision board this morning I see many beautiful colors gather around to remind me that my talents are not only for my growth, and enjoyment; they are also for me to share so that others can be invited to their own growth and have enjoyment in their life.

As I look back on my life before recovery I am reminded at how I used my life to make everyone around me miserable. Humbly, I have come to enjoy bringing peace and joy into the lives of others. I'm thankful that our Father in Heaven has blessed me with this gift.

What special talents do you have? How are you going to share them today?

I Did It Again

I did it again!!!! This wasn't such a good thing. I found myself falling into the old patterns. I was working with a special person today, and found myself making up their mind for them. I kept thinking, they are questioning me, they are douting me...On and on. I just could calm down enough to listen to my heart and allow myself to be guided by His love.
I really struggled, I finally was able to back myself up enough to come slightly back in balance and make it through the apointment. When we were finished, she said something that really put me in my place. She admitted to herself, and to me that what I had said was right. She said that sometimes we just don't think about things like that.
Like I said earlier in the week, we need to be honest with ourselves before we can be honest with others. At first, I took it personally and quickly doubted myself when she wasn't honest with herself.
I'm thankful for one thing. I am thankful that I didn't start critizing her for where she was in her life. I'm just said that I wasn't strong enough to trust in the Lord enough to feel safe with what I was promted to say.
Let me just say, that this family I have been blessed to meet and work with is totally amazing. They are so strong in their love and care for each other. Truely an inspring story of Christ love for one another. The Dad in this family is one of my angels that I talked about a while ago, and as I get to know him better I can see why Heavenly Father choose him to come and be my angel that day. There wouldn't have been anyone else more wonderful.
I am so thankful that my life has been blessed by these wonderful people. Maybe next time, I will be stronger.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Where Are You Going To Go Today?

Where are you going to go today? My brother recommended that I read this book, and it was so moving that I'm going to pass it on to you...Enjoy

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
by Dr. Seuss
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.
You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.
And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.
Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.
Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.
You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.
I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.
You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.
You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.
And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?
And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.
You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.
No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!
Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.
I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.
And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.
But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.
You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)
Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Love One Another

I was talking to a couple people; we were talking about life. Like so many people they expressed concerns about how they are treated in general. They feel people mistreat them, judge them, shun them, and they constantly have to defend themselves.

I know far to well these feelings, and how they drove me into isolation from others and from my Father in Heaven, and Jesus Christ. I related far to well to all the swirling questions they asked.

One of the biggest things is how we mistreat people. When I was in my addiction and having these same thoughts and feelings, I felt like it was everyone eles's fault. Which made me push everyone away more and more. It is a vicious cycle. In reality, when I was in my addiction I pushed people away in ways that created an opportunity for me to blame them for leaving me, mistreating me, and judging me.
What I want to write about today is when we encounter people that feel this way, we need to reach out, accept them, and love them in spit of how they act.

Every day we have a tendancy to put on a perfect face and go out in the world. We need to accept that we all have problems, trials, and heartache, and that's a beautiful thing. If we are willing to share our lives with others, in an open and honest way we could over come feeling mistreated, judged, and the need to defend ourselves. When we hide our hearts and souls from our own pain, we hide from God, and everyone around us. In this isolation, when we see others with similar pain and automaticlly tend to mistreat them, judge them, and push them away so that we don't have to face our own pain; thus isolating ourselves even more.

I want to tell you that it is okay, and even healthy to admit that we are not perfect, we have problems, trials, and heartache. This doesn't mean we live life as a victum. As we admit to ourselves our daily struggles, when we encounter others we can accept them and be able to love them through their struggles. When we admit that we are powerless to overcome our problems, trials, and heartache we are willing to turn to our Heavenly Father and the atonement of Jesus Christ. In turning to our Savior, we open our hearts towards those around us. In this a new cycle begins, a cycle of love and openness, especially a cycle of acceptance. Not only do we feel the warmth and love of Jesus Christ, but we offer the opportunity to all those around us to feel the warmth and love of Jesus Christ as well. 

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Miserable or Happy?

It is so easy to either be miserable or to be happy. Through my recovery I have found such an amazing peace in my life. It didn't happen over night, it didn't happen because of any major life changing experience. The process is slow, steedy and requires dedication to returning home to our Savior.

I have been so blessed, especially recently. During the past several weeks have I have been working on step 8, forgiveness I have been freed from some deep emotional issues. I want to talk about them for a bit.

Self-image/Self-worth-As I have been “stuck” in my distorted thinking of blaming others for things that aren't even real, or blown out of perportion my blaming has had a deep effect on my self-image and my self-worth. I feel like people have intentionally wronged me, and that I must not be worth treating any better. Because of this I push people away before they could treat me poorly. Somehow, I developed the belief that I wasn't worth being treated any better, and I would actually sabatauge myself so that people were acutally almost forced to wrong me in one way or another.

Financial- Somehow there has been a generational stigma put on my family that makes it difficult to gain any financial success. Sometimes, we can begin to become financially successful, and it falls apart. I have come to believe that this stigma has been released.

Humility- Again another generational stigma, our family has is that poverty equals humility. This links to the financial stigma, but holds elements of its own.

Much to my surprise, as I have been working on forgiving others that have wronged me, I have learned that most of the time my perceptions of the wrongs against me just simply weren't. As I have released others from my blames, I also found that I felt deep remorse for my wrongs against them. Some of my wrongs include the perceptions I created of their wrongs against me. In this, I am the one asking for forgiveness not trying to figure out how to forgive those who wronged me. SURPRISE!

As I was being zoned this week, I started to feel the stigmas that have been holding me back release through the realization of my misperceptions. I am so surprised that these things are connected. I'm not concerned about the connection, because I know that Lord has a plan and I don't need to understand it, just have faith and graditude in Him.

This week, some wonderful things have happend to me and to my family. I am working on a financial transaction, and against several odds it is going rather smooth. Yeah! I have surprisingly had a substancial increase in clients. This increase is great financially, but more importantly it is the best opportunity I've had to show my gratitude to Christ for Him saving me. Guess what else, I've always wanted to write a book about my recovery, and a perfect book idea came to me a couple of days ago.

Life isn't easy, and that's alright. I feel loved, and secure in my path on my journey in Christ. My weaknesses have been made strong in Him. I will go and do, what He commands me, for I know He has prepared away for me....

Monday, May 9, 2011

Happy Mother's Day

For Mother's Day I wrote my mom a handwritten letter. Once it was done I felt the sense to share it with you. Some of you know my mother, while others may not. Nonetheless, hopefully this letter will trigger some healing for you as well.

Dear Mom
I know this won't reach you for Mother's Day, even though, I want you to know how much I love you.

Over this past year I feel I've grown to understand you better. I'm sure I will never understand the depth or the detail of your stuggles in life.

I now know that each of us comes into a family with character weaknesses that get passed down to our children and passed on to those we love. These character weaknesses set us apart from each other they are a special set of curcumstances the Lord has set aside to help us learn what is ours to learn on this journey.

We have a choice as to how we view and handle our character weaknesses. We can either view them as tools and know that as in Ether 12:27 as we humble ourselves and turn our hearts to our Savior knowing He paid the difference the Lord will make our weaknesses strong...OR...we simply become victums to our character weaknesses In that we create a hell of our own making. For so long in my life I have been in such a hell and I've blindly tried to pull you and all my family down with me. You always said, “Misery loves company.”

I now am beginnig to see a small glimps of what you've been teaching me. I am so thankful that you accepted the challenges in your life. I can only imagine that depth of your hardships as a child, young adult, mom, and now in the glory that you are.

I am so sorry for everytime both that I know and the times I don't that I added to your challenges and hardships.

I'm sorry for being stubborn and resisting to your role as my mom. I'm sorry for being mean, yelling, and bullying towards you. I'm sorry for being in-grateful, lieing, stealing, and especially for being secretive from you.

I'm sorry for creating a war-like contentious spirit in your home. I'm sorry for hiding and not being helpful when I knew you needed my help. I'm sorry for being entirely disrespectful towards you and not loving you the way you deserve to be loved.

There is so much regret, sorrow, and fear to appologize for. My memory is flooded with times, and things I want to appologize for. I wish I knew of the times when you hurt most so I could specifically applogize to you.

I'm especially sorry for all the years when I haven't been honest enough with myself to be able to be honest with you. I've tried so hard to put on the happy face and tried to be perfect when inside I'm falling apart and just wish my mom would put her arm around me and tell me, everything is going to be alright. In the next breath getting mad when it doesn't happen. How could it, when you didn't even know that's what I thought I needed????

For Mother's Day 2011, I want to offer you this appology...AND...make you this promise.

Knowing I'm me. I have character weaknesses that sneak up and take over from time to time. With that being said...

I promise to tell you honestly the things you should know about me, instead of hiding behind the fear of being imperfect.

I promise to be present and real to you so you can make decisions based on truth not assumptions.

I promise I don't know what's best for you and I will stop trying to tell you what to do. Rather, I will be a strong sounding board to help you figure out for yourself what's best, and to support you in your decision.

I promise to be a safe place for you in whatever capacity I can be.

I promise that I love you and will love you the best I can and hopefully it will be what you deserve.

Happy Mother's Day!

Friday, May 6, 2011

We All Need Each Other

One thing that I've learned about recovery is that I can't heal on my own. In fact, I'm to a wonderful point in my life that I don't want to go on this journey alone. I'm so excited and so thankful that I have so many wonderful people in my life to share this healing journey with.

Amoung these wounderful people in my life are my family. Any addict knows that addictions run in families. In my family, co-dependency, food issues, and emotional issues have entwined themselves deep in the treads of our family tree. Although, this is a sad concept to see in my family, it also makes me realize that I'm not alone, and for the most part that I'm not a crazy black sheep of the family.

In this blog post I want to introduce you to my amazing cousin, Becky Sampson. Becky, is recovring from food issues, she has released a total of 135 pounds!!! She grow up in the San Francisco bay area, so we didn't have the opportunities to be close like cousin's can be. Even with seemingly seperate lives, we find ourselves on a similar journey of healing. Becky is an amazing and inspiring women, and I have grown so much as my friendship in healing grows with her. Here is a link to her blog, I hope you go on over and read her inspirational stories. There is a lot to learn from this brilliant young lady. When you are reading her blog, please let her know I sent you over to visit...I'd love to hear what you think as well...Bex Weight Loss Inspirations

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Thank You!

I went into a juice store today for a drink. Yep, nothing to special. I noticed a small group of people in line before me. There was casual chatter, around me. The manager greeting me, and said he'd be right with me. I thanked him, and simply waited my turn. When it was my turn to order, I gave my order to the cashier. The manager came over, pulled out a appreciation punch card and punched it several times explaining that he was appologetic for my wait. I didn't feel like I had waited longer than I should have. I explained he didn't need to do that but I was thankful.

When my order came, the young man gave me a larger drink, saying it just made bigger than expected so he just uped my size. I thanked him, and left the store.

This was a special experience for me. I'm not used to such exceptional customer service. I have gone into this store several times, and always I receive good service, there was something really different about today's visit. I started to wonder if I “attracted” this kindness?

As I was driving home, the phone rang. On the other end of the phone was a man that I had left a voice message to call me back yesterday. I had been sort of surprised he hadn't called like his outgoing message said he would. I figured he must not really want my business.

Quickly, he introduced himself, and began to appologize for not calling me back. As he explained his reasons, I felt a sincereity radiating from him. It was a reason not an excuse and I knew that. His appology wasn't a sells gimic it was how he really felt. The call continued with him asking what my goals were for this transaction. That was so nice, this is a numbers game, and my goals don't effect the outcome to him. He was treating me like a person, a real person, with real feelings, asperations, and goals.

Twice in one day, in two very different situations, I was treated like a person. I felt so validated, and genuinely cared about. Now I'm really wondering if I have changed so much that this kindness, is being “attracted” to me, or if it is something more?

Thank you to these wonderful gentlemen for being willing to follow your sense of humanity and giving me such a special gift today...Thank you, Thank you, Thank you...

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

In the Lord's Time

What a beutiful sping morning! Things change fast, and if I don't pay attention I miss the changes. Sometimes we all need a little nudge into a new life. Peace, surronds life, especially my life.

It is interesting how my perspective changes what is going on in my life. Sure I can say that things aren't going as fast as I would like them to, BUT. Right now the speed of how things are changing in my life is manageable. I have the ability to step back and breath, pray and make decisions. I recognize how beautilful things are. If things were changing as fast as I'm tempted to push them to be, I know I couldn't manage them becasue of the craziness I attempt to control things. A slower pace, helps me maintain a continual prayer.

Yesterday I had the blessing of working with a dear friend as I zoned her. The sense came that she was hurring, and keeping busy to avoid feeling a painful memory and painful desires. As I talked to her, I recognized that this is a reflection of my life as well. When times have come that I have wanted to be different, because the experience that was there was to painful I have created distractions. A couple of the things I have always said are, “I'm so busy.” “I'm totally overwhelmed.” Honestly, I felt this way. What I didn't recognize is that I was creating these feelings to avoid other feelings. I can't tell you what feelings I way trying to avoid for sure, as I think about it I would suggest the feelings I was trying to avoid was feelings of love, acceptance, and peace.

I'm sure you are thinking, only a crazy person would create feelings of being overwhelmed to avoid feelings of love, acceptance, and peace. You might be right. As I look at it, if I were to allow the feelings of love, acceptance, and peace than the “story” of my life becomes a lie and falls apart. The safety of my “story” was more important than being loved, accepted, and at peace.

Right now, because of my recovery and my journey to know my Savior; coupled with learning forgiveness I can sit here and say that I am loved, accepted, and at peace with my life. I am very thankful at the pace the Lord has set the changes in my life, so that I can stay connected with Him. I can remain calm, and try to hear His voice through the sense of the Holy Ghost. What a beautiful spring morning! 

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Spiritual Lightening

I read this article yesterday morning. It brought a lot of thoughts to my mind that I wanted to share. I will let you read it first, so that you know where I'm coming from.

Spiritual Lightening – M. Catherine Thomas
Although we bring personal weaknesses to our parenting that may provide real opposition for our children, we do not need to feel that all is lost. We remember that our Heavenly Father knows the end from the beginning. (See Abr. 2:8.) He knew beforehand the ignorance, the failings, the confusion, and the spiritual infirmities of each of his children— including those who would become parents. Knowing all these things, the Lord prepared the gospel plan and allowed us the experiences of mortality, with certain compensations and blessings and talents available within the child or along life’s path that would help the child as he or she struggled with opposition. God provides ample opportunity to learn and recover from the opposition. (See 2 Ne. 2:11, 15Ether 12:27, 37.)
Some of the learning experiences we undergo may cause us heartache. But fortunately, divine growth can be the outcome of the pain and opposition in anyone’s life.”

As for learning experiences that have caused me heartache. I've had my fair share in life. There was a time in the not so distant past that as I prayed, it was a prayer of “Please take this trial away.” “What have I done wrong now, to deserve this.” “Please make so-and-so stop hurting me.” “Please make things better, I'm doing the best I can.” Maybe you have prayed this prayer before and know what I'm talking about.

Every time I prayed like this, I was asking the Lord to stop blessing me, to stop refining me into the person He knows I am. I felt alone, and forsaken most of the time.

Through my recovery, and subsequent journey to find my Savior, I have been blessed to see that what Sister M. Catherine Thomas says is so true. The Lord really does send me certain compensations and blessings and talents to deal with the shortcomings of my parents, but also for me as a parent.

Now my prayers have become so different, they are full of gratitude for my trials, and struggles. I also know that as I pray and stay close to my Savior, He will sustain me during my trials and struggles. When my trials seem to become harder than I can bear, I am blessed to be able to pray for strengthening. Always, my prayers have been answered through an angel, someone on the Lord's arrand. Usually, that someone is someone in my family.

As I end this post, I want to offer my gratitude to our Savior for His love, kindness, and tender mercies on my behalf. I don't deserve them, never have, and never will, He still makes up all the difference.

Monday, May 2, 2011


Sadness and loss surround me and my family this week. I'm not sure about how to write this in order to protect the privacy of those involved, while still being able to convey the depth of the heartache that is evident in our family.

When you wake up in the morning knowing that something is missing in life, usually you go looking for it. It seems like we always feel safer when we are surrounded with the people and things that make up our lives. What happens when the missing thing in your life is a relationship that usually is assumed is just there and strong? This relationship could be a relationship with siblings or with children. Maybe we all have a relationship that is strained and needs repair.

As you could assume, we reached out to these relationships, assuming that our reaching out would be lovingly welcomed. We looked forward to forging strong lasting eternal family bonds. Instead we were met with accusations, hate, and bitter grudges. At one point things even resulted in physical harm. The hurt and sadness on both sides of this runs deeps and emotions are high. Sleepless nights, long lonely days. The feelings of abandonment, and loneliness abound all around. In someways naturally we search out all stable relationships in our lives and check their security.

The loss, the emotional heartache that runs through our family, is so sad. It's hard to not be bitter, and hateful toward those who reject you. It's hard not to allow your thoughts to be consumed with allegations, and justifications. There is comfort in Christ's final words, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”

I can't help consider the depth of pain Christ feels when His family rejects Him. It is widely taught and accepted that Christ suffered physically the pains of abuse from those who rejected Him. What I haven't stopped to consider is the emotional pain He must have felt personally. When those you love, reject you especially in a harsh way is a sort of pain that stabs deep into your heart. How does the story of Judas betraying Christ, by denying him three times a reflection of families in today's world that reject curly their family? Something even sadder, is not only did Christ suffer for emotions of those who reject Him, but for those who reject us.

Today in the mist of this heartache, with a deeper understanding of long-suffering, and patience we will strive to have a heart of peace, and lean on Christ for strength to be sustained in this time, as we search our hearts to forgive and to be forgiven.