I sit before you this morning humbled. As I reflect on the days past I know that the Lord is softly guiding me and offers me tender mercies in my trials. I have an endless list of things to be thankful for, and I am to be sure.
I have to admit, that I know that I'm not worthy of the love and mercy that I am offered. In my heart there has been brewing some feelings that I have desperately tried to repress. Of course, repressing feelings can only last so long, before they come crashing in and make themselves known anyway.
I have received so many blessings being in ARP. My hear has been softened toward God, and miracles have happened in my life. My heart still hurts. My heart is still filled with great anger towards myself. The self hatred that I have feel is normal in my life, is still very much there.
I haven't wanted to face these feelings, because I don't want to be a failure at this too. These feelings are real, and really scary. Honestly, I don't know how to forgive myself. I don't think it is a matter of just letting go, it feels bigger than that. I look at how I feel, and ask myself...”Forgive this trespasses.” How do I forgive Christ, for my trespasses, as He is asking? How do I overcome, wanting to be so cruel to myself?
I have learned so much, and have been given in my heart so much. How do I make them real for myself?
When I'm able to look beyond the depth of the way I feel. I have peace a greater than that I've ever known. Have I somehow for a short time given this to Christ, and then took it back? Is my faith so weak, that I can't sustain the goodness I've received?
It is so hard to admit here that I feel this way, because I wanted to provide a place that brings peace, and shows how beautiful healing is. I wanted to show the great things that come through ARP. Instead, I'm writing of this huge weakness that I am suffering through.