As I have been talking to other people it is so neat to see how personalized we have all made our 12 step program. Our outward addictions can be so very different, but our stories are all so similar. I've discovered that other people have felt as hopeless and desolate that I have felt.
I recognize the different levels of commitment people have towards working the program. For me, especially, these steps are hard, but more than hard they are terrifying. It sometimes feels impossible to work through the hell of feelings: fear, guilt, pride, and anxiety. There are moments I feel like if I quit and give up working my program, then I would not have to be accountable.
With each step, I take steps toward breaking down the lies that, up to this point, have been the foundation for that which I've built my life on. As I am faced with the realization of my life, I am forced to make a choice—Continue to accept the lie and find a new way to cover it up OR admit I am powerless and this lie has become unmanageable.
If this lie is exposed, my life I worked so hard for would be ruined and I say that like it is catastrophic! I didn't have hope, faith, or any idea that my life could be any other way than worse.
Alma 5:5 They were in captivity and again the Lord did deliver them out of bondage by the power of His word.
I had no idea I was in bondage to my lies and the way I was thinking and believing. Looking back it was as the Lord began freeing me from the bondage of my lies is when I began to recognize I was even in bondage.
When I was first coming into recovery every time one of these lies was exposed I felt a strong sense of self-preservation, franticly I would scurry around in desperation to find a new way of covering it up. For the most part, It isn't you I was hiding these lies from; I needed to hide them from myself. I couldn't admit my lies to myself, to others, or to God. I felt like my life was spiraling out of control. I felt like someone threw water on the wicked witch, (me) and I was melting in slow, painful, torture.
Now as I look at my life I am still fearful when a lie is exposed. I still feel tempted to try to cover up the lies, instead of desperately attempting to cover them up I turn my heart towards the heavens and humbly admit I'm powerless. I recognize I'm not worthy of the grace of God. I recognize all the grace and tender mercies He has offered me, then I take action. I start praying for God to sustain me through this, and I start stepping my steps as honestly as I can.
At the end of the day I find that my heart is full of gratitude and love for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for the tender mercies and grace He showered upon me through the day.