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Friday, February 25, 2011

Lying To Myself (Again or maybe it's still)

I have come to the core of one of my greatest weaknesses! (At least I think it's the core, truly I never know. I've been surprised a time or two.) Anyway, I want to talk to you about it for a few minutes.

I have gone back and forth on a major ethical issue for most of my life. I have continually thought that I was following the right path for me. I have felt I was making the best choices possible. I was in agreement with Jim, and how he wanted to deal with this issue. I loved him and supported him. I tried diligently not to consider my feelings on the issue.

A couple of months ago, Jim invited me for a car ride. He had been doing some soul searching and had come to some conclusions that he wanted to address. I found myself feeling uneasy and it was nearly impossible to verbalize my feelings or thoughts on the matter. I simply agreed with his position, and on we went.

This week, this issue appeared and demanded to be addressed. I simply became more resolute to support Jim.

Last night I woke up at 1:40 am. I was alert, and very much awake. I contemplated how tired I was going to be in the day to come. My mind, surprisingly drifted to this issue, what will become a life changing issue. I spent the next three hours, comfortably, going through every detail of this issue.

Do you know what I learned? Maybe you have had a similar experience and you do know what I learned, and maybe not yet. It really doesn't matter, because I'm going to tell you what I learned. I'm not sure you want the three hour version, so here's the shortened version.

I learned that I have been lying to myself for all these years, lying by omission. The reason, I have not been able to verbalize pretty much anything in this issue is that I didn't want to hear my own voice on the issue. I very much have an opinion on the matter, you won't be surprised to know that my opinion doesn't match popular opinion. There isn't anything I know on the issue, but this I know for sure. God knows the way, and I will follow Him.

My alarm went off at 5:00, in the darkness of the morning, I shared everything I felt with Jim. I shared everything...Jim was so comforting, and accepting of my feelings. I shared for close to an hour; we got up, got the kids ready and off to school. After the kids were off to school, and the animals fed Jim and I crawled back in bed and kept talking. The first few words were challenging to get out of my mouth, after I did it was all so easy. After sharing with Jim in step 4 and 5, I found myself at ease talking to him.

The thing is there wasn't anything to talk about until I could be honest and willing to accept my truth. Here I am firmly back at step 1, I am dishonest with myself, and I hide the truth from myself. I am powerless to overcome my own unbelief. It really doesn't matter where this ethical issue lies in reality. It only matters what this issue showed me, about myself.

Maybe it isn't that I needed to accept my truth, like I mentioned earlier. Maybe it is to accept His truth. Somewhere buried in all my lies, is His truth and it only takes the peaceful silence of 1:40-4:30 in the morning in order for me to recognize it.

I sit here before you this evening, actually thinking I'm talking to real people. It is very likely, I am mistaken in my opinion on this issue. Nonetheless, I sit here knowing that I am unworthy of the mercies of the Savior, yet even in my weaknesses He continually blesses me with His mercy, and the glory of His light and truth. 

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