Music Calms the Savage Beast

Have you ever considered how music affects your soul? Like many people, I have a favorite Pandora station. I love listening to the beautiful songs of yesterday as I stand in the shower feeling the warm water run on my head, washing all my cares away.

Recently, I recognized that when an instrumental is playing my heart and soul catch the ebb and flow of the song and begin to dance with every note. I get lost in the memories the melody holds secret and in wait for me. I feel as if I can wonder here forever.

My heart skips a beat or sometimes two, when suddenly a song starts to play and the first words comes in to the air, the words are weighted and seem to pull me to them. Sometimes I sing a long, my words floating along with the words in the song.

I know that the depth the beauty is gone. I have learned that if I am struggling to get to my center, the soft gentle sway of just the perfect instrumental will lead me right where I want to be.

Now don’t get me wrong, songs with lyric can also take me to a special place, a place I love to be. I’m just suggesting that I recently, I have found that for me music is powerful, it is for pleasure,  it is also to help find my quiet center.

Sacrificing My Weakness

“The submission of one's will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God's alter. It is a hard doctrine, but it is true. The many other things we give to God, however nice that may be of us, are actually things He has already given us, and He has loaned them to us. But when we begin to submit ourselves by letting our wills be swallowed up in God's will, then we are really giving something to Him.” (Insights from my life, Ensign, Aug 200, 9)

Sacrificing my Weaknesses

“A religion that doesn't require the sacrifice of all things never has power sufficient to produce the faith necessary unto life and salvation.” Joseph Smith, comp., Lectures on Faith [1985], 69

Am I willing to sacrifice my:

--will?

--way?

--Permitting in my dwelling any behavior that offends the Spirit of the Lord?

--Wanting to be loved more than wanting to love?

--Blaming others for my pain?

--Being a victim?

--Fearing for the consequences of another's poor behavior?

--Shielding another from the consequences of their choices?

--Remembering my pain without God's grace or tender mercy?

--My pity parties and dark solitude?

--Resentments?

--Fear, anger, isolation?

How does my sacrifice of my weaknesses, pertain to submitting my will to God? As I have taken the scripture Ether 12:27—If men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then I will make weak things become strong unto them.--As I have taken this scripture into my life it requires me to sacrifice my weaknesses unto Christ. I have to admit that I am not strong enough to manage this weakness on my own. Through this sacrifice I turn my will over to Christ.

At first, I turned my will over to Christ out of fear, fear of hell fire, fear of disappointing my family especially my father.  No matter what, I always took my agency back. Then as I continued to work on this principle I started to turn my will over to Christ in fear of not wanting to resin, to fall back into old and painful patterns of my life. Just like before I would take my agency back. I was just to afraid.

Now my desire has grown from this place to where I desire to be in the loving shelter of my Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ all the time. I no longer desire to turn my will over to out of fear, but now it is out of love. I'm not been made perfect in this but my weaknesses are being made strong in that I am sustained in my weaknesses when I can't do it alone.

Surrendering My Will

I’ve been thinking so much about surrendering my will to the grace and safety of my Jesus Christ. Letting go is somewhat a scary thought. Another scary thought, is that keeping my agency to myself is largely what has gotten me to where I am. How will I know what the Lord is directing me to do? How will I know if I am in the way, or if Satan is planting ideas? I love what I read in the ARP manual, so

Surrender our entire lives, ---past, present, and future---and out will about our lives to Him.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles made the following statement about this most significant decision: “The submission of one’s will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God’s alter. It is a hard doctrine, but it is true. The many other things we give God, however nice that may be of us, are actually things He has already given us, and He has loaned them to us. But when we begin to submit ourselves by letting our wills be swallowed up in God’s will, then we are really giving something to Him.” (Insights from my Life,” Ensign Aug 2000, 9).

President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve described his decision to yeid his will to God and the freedom that decision gave him: “Perhaps the greatest discovery of my life, without question the greatest commitment, came when finally I had the confidence in God that I would loan or yield my agency to him—without compulsion or pressure, without and duress, as a single individual alone, by myself, no counterfeiting, nothing expected other than the privilege. In a sense, speaking figuratively, to take one’s agency, that precious gift which the scriptures make plain is essential to life itself, and say, ‘I will do as you direct,’ is afterward to learn that in so doing you possess it all the more.” (Obedience, Brigham Young University Speeches of the year [Dec7, 1971], 4).

Happy Birthday

The three most significant days in your life
1. The day you were born
2. The day you find the gift you were born to give
3. The day you figure out how to contribute the gift you were born to give.

Today is my most wonderful husbands birthday. He's one year shy of a major mile stone in life. No he isn't turning 21, that was several birthday's ago.

My hubby, has been contemplating the changes in his life. He could lose a few pounds, he could work less, and play more. There are also some pretty important life questions in his life. Is he contributing the gifts he was born to give? Are You? Am I?

There are so many wonderful things in life that point to Christ. I am thankful for the milestone in life to help me to remember to live my goals, pray, and repent as needed.

Happy Birthday to my dear Hubby...May all your dreams comes true...I love you!!!!  

Lifting Me Up

I feel so down and depressed today. My life is slipping away from me, and I don’t know if I will ever get it back. Somewhere inside I know that life will never be like I knew it. I’m okay with that. I dedicate my life to change. I just didn’t know how much control I desire over that change.

I want to be able to think straight, and remember. Oh how I want to remember. I want to remember the simple things, like where I’ve been even in the past several days. I want to feel the desire to do things. I hate that I feel stuck within myself. Somewhere inside I want; I desperately want to live. Somewhere inside I guess much closer to the surface I have no desire to live. I know there are things to do, laundry, dishes, vacuuming, making beds, having fun with my children, and especially having fun with my husband.

I realized today that all of my friends have drifted away. I can’t participate in my side of the friendship. How do I foster a friendship when I am so tired, so tired, the pain, the headaches. It is so vicious.

My life feels like I’m trapped in a machine that controls me, it ignores my pleas for just a moment of relief. When the relief comes, I’m dizzy with concerns of what I’ve missed, the guilt of everyone having to do all the things I’m supposed. How do I catch up? How do I live in the present when I missed so much of the past? Then there is still the pain, and the liminting movement.

I feel so limited. My mind feels spacy. My chest is tight with anxiety as I sit here in an honest search of my feelings I actually feel more depressed. I am certainly powerless; I am powerless to overcome the physical position that I’m in. The physical position that I’m in creates several other positions …To start with our tragic direr financial position—which has endless effects on my children and family. I’m not going to go into the depth of these effects here.

Right now, I’m having a hard time finding my faith, in Christ’s plan for me. Yes, I am powerless, my hope is failing, and my life is unmanageable.

Life in recovery is hard…It’s that simple. Through my experiences in life I know I have been prepared for this time. It is only a moment in learning. I renew my covenant to Christ that I will believe Him, and faith that He will sustain me and that He has the power to renew me to complete health, whatever that maybe. I trust that I will be alright somehow, somewhere.

You are likely asking what happened, the beginning of this writing was so dire, to the end of this writing is so sustained in Christ. I want you to know that for me, not all days in recovery are strong and filled with light. For me lately, most days are not strong and filled with light. I have to lean on what I’ve learned in recovery every moment of every day. The depths of despair are never far away. I am powerless to change my circumstances, I have to know that my Christ is looking upon me, and lifting me up in the times and days I cannot lift myself up. 

I can testify to you, that miracles happen, they happen for me all the time. Extra money comes at just the right moment to get through to the next moment. My headache subsides and I have relief, even for just a moment. I don’t know if there is a way out, but I do know that with Christ there is a way through.

FEAR

FEAR

I know I talk about Fear a lot. It really is something I struggle with. Today I saw this and felt that it might touch your life as it has mine. With all my love, 

May Angels Walk With You

Picture by Ro Paxman www.rozannepaxman.com

Good Morning

Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day. Everything is going my way. --Oklahoma 

In the soft glow of the morning light my heart is filled with reflection. Why is forgiveness more for me than the people I've wronged? Asking for forgiveness is so important for me. As I ask for forgiveness and I take responsibility for my actions and the wrongs I've committed against the people I love is critically important to my salvation. I want to share a story with you of an experience I went through several years ago. 

I remember several years ago when early one morning I lay awake with the impression to write a letter to someone that I had hurt. I lay there with several excuses running through my head. I wasn't likely to ever see this person again. Even if I did, it wouldn't matter. For all intent and purposes our relationship was over. Neither of us would ever engage in a relationship again, so what did an apology letter have to do with anything. I didn't even know where they were. I couldn't get the letter to them. I lay there full of justification, in myself, and in the emptiness of this letter.

The impression to get up and write this letter, became increasingly stronger. Finally, as daylight came I reluctantly got out of bed. I sat with pen in hand staring at the blank paper. Floods of emotions, floods of regrets filled my heart. The pen began to flow, and the tears also flowed from my eyes. I don't recall what I wrote, but I still plainly remember how I felt.

I accepted responsibilities that I would have normally either passed to this person or minimized. There isn't minimization in responsibility. It is or it isn't yours. I mailed the letter that same day. I never knew wither, the letter was received or how it was received if it was. I've always been curious, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that I faced the bitter truth that I hurt this person that did everything in their power to help me. I magnified their weaknesses, and minimized my own.

It doesn't matter if they forgive me, it matters that I face the realization of the truth that I was shown by God, and that I ask my Father in Heaven through the atonement of His Son Jesus Christ for their forgiveness.

A surprising side note to this situation is that as the years have gone by since I mailed that letter I have found a new love for this person. Whenever I think back on the morning when I wrote that letter a sense of love fills my heart.

Marriage

How many marriages, babies and rodeos have I missed? Wait, a marriage IS a rodeo....sometimes you make the buzzer, sometimes you get bucked off, sometimes you just plain don't mark out...but you always get back on....right?!?!?--Unknown


I read this little saying, and it really said something to me. So often I run, I mean burn rubber, from relationships and especially friendships. This saying is more than about marriage, but about all our relationships. 

As I have begun to make my way out of my isolation, and into the social world is very difficult. There are times when I have to admit my wrongs to people that I'm with. It takes a lot of courage, and humility, but mainly it takes using the faith I've built in my Jesus. 

Relationships are important to all of our lives in many ways. When I am in isolation, Satan gains more power over me, because I become more susceptible to his influence. When I am in a relationship with someone, I am held accountable at a higher level not only to myself, but also to the person I'm in a relationship with. Relationships support me in becoming the best I can be. 

It's Rodeo Time

I am so excited about the rodeo season that is upon us!!! I love all the things that is out there to do. This season is different, different in very many ways. My health has crashed in some serious ways. I don't want to get into a lot of downer talk, and list all the things I can no longer do.

What I want to do, is tell you how amazing my family is. All the kids have stepped up and are taking care of lots of things. They take care and feed all the animals. We have a horse that has Cushings disease, and is being treated with Progolide, (which is incidentally a medication that is used to treat humans for Parkinson's disease). Anyway, Harley has been super to make sure he gets his grain and Progolide every day.

Life has sure changed for me. I've had to learn to accept to allow others to do things for me. It is especially hard to see others doing things I love to do. Things like, feed the animals, make dinners, or carry a load of laundry. Okay, maybe not the laundry, but...

I am powerless to have an effect on my health or how others treat me because of it. It hurts to be this powerless, but it strengthens me to know that the Lord is watching over me. He is making my weaknesses strong, through having others be in my service. Strange but comforting.