I was so wounded, so lost, so insecure that I did not know how to be in healthy relationships with other people. When I met someone I liked, or that I was drawn to, I would try (a sub-conscious decision by the way) to reinvent myself to be what I thought they would like. My focus was on what I needed to do to make them happy. Over and over again I would sacrifice myself. I did things I did not want to do or even like, just to make them like me. It never worked by the way. Oh they took what I had to offer and used me. But the relationship was always lopsided. I gave they took.
Really? Hello! What in the heck was I thinking? Dysfunctional relationships usually don’t come without warnings! Now it is as clear as day. But at the time it never occurred to me that, if I was not being true to myself, if I had to pretend to be something I wasn’t that maybe I should reevaluate this relationship. Or maybe I should not go there at all.
I was carrying around a lot of baggage when I came into this program. I had contempt and self-pity for myself - anger, resentment and jealously for others. These amazing steps helped me to heal. The first Step was a reality check. My life and how I lived it was out of control. In Steps 2 and 3 I found the power source - God- for my healing and restoration. When I surrendered myself and my life to God’s care, I got myself out of the way so that the necessary changes in me that needed to be made could me made.
My life reconstruction began in Steps 4 and 5. For the first time I began to recognize and understand the right and wrong in myself and in my relationships. In steps 8 and 9 I was able to forgive myself and others for shame and guilt of sins past. With that forgiveness came healing and restoration.
I love, love, love this program and these Steps. The steps use the word we, our, us and God. Folks this tells “us” we are not alone. Looking around my recovery community I could see that there have been others before me that have been through all that I have been through and more. They not only survived, but they have a good life. That told me two things - I did not have to be held captive to my past hurts and mistakes and that I did not have to fight this battle alone.
I am not unique. Neither is my story. There are people in cities everywhere with some version of my story. I share my life’s journey and expose life’s ups and downs most every day on this page for one reason only. Hope. There is truly hope for anyone that wants it. But you have to want it bad enough to give this program a try.
I have learned that I am not perfect and never will be. I have learned to get back up when I fall down. I have found unconditional friendship and support. And, I have found peace, joy and laughter in my life.
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