Throughout my life, I have spent the majority of my time hoping for the best for everyone in my life. Along with this hope, I took action to bring the best for everyone. Sounds sweet, loving, and full of Christ like love right? That couldn't be further from the truth.
I do want the best for everyone, but not really for the best for them. I wanted to be the one that provided the best for them, so that they would love me. I wanted to be at every beck and call, providing for their need before they even knew they had needs. I slaved and cared for everyone even to refusing their help.
Meanwhile, I was angry inside and grew more and more resentful with every kind act. “Why can't they see all that I have done for them?” “Can't they just be thankful, this once?” “If I were to get really sick, would someone take care of me?” I carried a Savior complex towards everyone. Silently, I always wondered why no one really loved me. I believed that it was simply because I wasn't deserving of anyone's love. This believe drove my Savior complex even more, trying to earn their love even more.
What I didn't recognize is that our Heavenly Father, sent us here to this earth with the ability for our spirits to communicate with each other on a higher level. It doesn't matter what actions we give towards each other, it doesn't matter what words we say to each other, it only matters what our hearts say to each others spirit. My heart was at war towards everyone, I was on the defensive. I had armies building up walls to keep out the people that I thought I was trying to earn love from. I refused any act of kindness from anyone. I actually thought that these acts of kindness were lies, they were trying to get past my walls so they could hurt me. I had to show more kindness, so that I always look better than anyone else.
This battle raged within my heart and soul for so many years that I developed a waring heart of stone. War leaves many casualties, but the causality of my own heart is the topic of this entry. Not only was I at war with everyone else, I was at war with myself. The war that I waged with myself was the worst possible war anyone could wage.
The regret, and remorse for the pain I have caused my family runs so deep. I have limited my children's growth. I haven't developed or shared my talents with the world. I haven't magnified my calling here on this earth. How can I make this up to everyone? At this point I'm not going to address, the negative emotions, or self-damaging things I caused myself, because I want to talk about the cease-fire that recovery has offered.
Over this past year, since I have been in recovery and working the ARP steps I have learned that our Heavenly Father through the atoning love of Jesus Christ offers a way out. My heart has been softened, my heart has been opened. My mind has been educated, with new ideas. The lies, have begun to be discovered, and dismissed for the lies that they are.
I am being offered the opportunity to make amends to my loved ones through my healing, my new example, my learning how to love them and to support their growth and accepting their free agency. I still hope for the best for everyone I love, and I am becoming willing to allow our Heavenly Father, and brother, Jesus Christ to offer them what they think is best, and I just sit back and support that as I can.
We are all apart of something far bigger than any of us can imagine. Somehow, not knowing the bigger picture and just having faith that All is Well, All is Well has a soft sense of peace and a deep sense of joy that rings through my spirit.
I love working my program. I love sharing the forgiveness and the freedom that comes from coming to Christ. I love that I can begin to recognize my weaknesses, and my addictions for they point me toward Christ and remind me of where I am striving to be. I find rest in His arms, and the courage to keep enduring to the end, and in that my weaknesses have been made strong.