Choosing to be humble
Most of us come to recovery meetings in desperation, driven by the consequences of our addictions. We were compelled to be humble. The humility described in step 7, however, has a different cause. It is voluntary. It is the result of your own choice to humble yourself. How have your feelings of humility changed since you started recovery?
I have searched in desperation for years for healing. I, in my addictions searched selfishly. These words sound kinda funny. How could it be selfish to want to heal from an addiction? Wouldn't being selfish during the recovery process be a good thing? I can sense somewhat of a conflict when I suggest that I was selfish when I was searching for healing. Even in my prayers I would pray for God to take away my problems. I would chant why me???? why me???? It was selfish of me, because I wanted to avoid the consequences of my behavior. I wanted someone else to blame for my life, and the hell I found myself in.
Even when I was presented with the ARP program, this selfishness was still there, it was still the driving force. I was desperate and I would try anything to heal my hell. Especially, now that through my search for healing I had become painfully aware that my life was hell and there was no denying that fact.
I started step 1 with the honest and true feelings that I was powerless to overcome my addictions and my life was truly unmanageable. As I spent the first months working step 1, my selfish stoney heart was softened to realize that it was alright to be powerless, that it was even a good thing. This was the first time in my life, that I remember feeling humility towards God. It didn't make me feel less than, it didn't make me feel weak. This humility made me feel strong, and “pointed towards God.”
Through, working he ARP steps, I feel like I have taken many steps in growing humility and desire to become one in heart and in mind with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. The selfish motivation, is being replaced with humility.
I still desire to heal from my addictions. Now, I want to do it, so that I can be strong enough to serve our Lord. I want to serve Him with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. I am committed to giving my life to Him, not so that he will heal me, or give me a new heart, but so that I can come unto Him.