Happy Valentine's Day

As I watched the movie, The Sunset Limited, I began to learn more about the 12 step program, the teachings of the Anatomy of Peace, but mostly about my own recovery.

It all began with the line, “I don't have an original thought in my head. If it doesn't have the lingering sent of Divinity to it, I'm not interested in it.” How true that is? What this line did for me, is give me perspective of how I want to strive to live. Later in the movie he said, “Sometimes I go into manual over ride, and I have to catch myself...” As I have come into recovery, and have gained an awareness of my addictions, I tend to beat myself up again and again. These two lines helps me realize that the beating myself up is not the answer, and encourage me to offer myself the tender mercies that I am offered from the Lord.

The movie portrayed deep contrast of right and wrong, based in belief. As I have reflected on my recovery this morning I have looked into my past and compared how much I am like the two men in the movie. I have been in the darkest place like one of the men. It was only by the grace of God, that there was a light in my life that gave me a glimpse of desire to find a way to God.

Good morning Valentine's Day, a day of love, a day of hope, a day to relish in beautiful relationships. I have so many beautiful relationships, first off is my growing relationship with my Savior. The beauty of all my other relationships stem off my faith in my relationship with my Savior.

Jim for example, I've always known how amazing he was, and I know that I'm not deserving of his love. Through coming to know Christ, I've been able to come to know Jim as well. Yes, Jim is amazing, and I am free to love him because even through I'm not deserving of his love the Lord will make up the difference.

I know that Jim and I make a wonderful team, we work together so well. There is no way, I could be successful without him. It is just marvelous that we are different, we think different. Our strengths compliment each other. Funny thing is, I come up with a well thought out plan, that I think is “perfect.” When I unroll my plan to Jim, unfailingly, he will come up with a way to improve my plan and really make it great. When I was deep in my addictions I would become very defensive, and frustrated. I thought he was better than me, and I felt this was a personal attack against me.

Now, that I'm in recovery, I no longer see life this way. When I start to develop a plan, I look to Jim for his ideas, his perspective. To create the “perfect” plan doesn't just depend on me, it depends on my willingness to submit to the Lord's plan and team up with Jim to carry that plan out. We are so good together because the Lord makes up the differences. With that, on this Valentine's Day it makes me love Jim more.  

Three Most Significant Days

What a beautiful springish morning. As I was out feeding the animals I couldn't help but notice the silence of this morning, the peace, and joy that linger in this silence. How could I think that February has anything to do with spring? As I walked I could see the first of the spring birds flying from leafless branch to leafless branch as they sung their songs of hope to me. In the not to far off, I can hear the cows bawling. Here it is just beginning calving season, so where ever you go, you get to see the brand new breath of life in those calves.

I just couldn't resist the temptation to consider that spring brings with it a new birth, new life. There is a freshness in spring that always seems to breath new life into me. This year, more so than any other year before. I am new, this is a rebirth for me and my heart. I am excited to get outside, and live in the spring. I love the energy that spring and summer bring. This morning, I'm urged to live in that spring now. I'm not running out to put on shorts and flip flops, but in my heart I am going to live in peace and joy, and be willing to enjoy the rebirth of myself.

As I live this day, I am going to really ponder my rebirth, my new heart, and how I can contribute the gifts I have been given by the Lord to others.

Three Most Significant Days

1- The day you were born

2- The day you discover the gifts you were born to give

3- The day you discover how you can contribute your gifts

-unknown

God does love me...

I feel like yesterday's post was really profound, although, I know the words didn't come from my mind, but my soul. I am thankful for all the opportunities in which I am taught. I have procrastinated writing today, hoping something equally as profound would come to me, but as of now it hasn't. In a small way, this testifies to the moments in all our lives in which profound words of the spirit come. We must cherish these words, and record them so that other can benefit from them as well.

Today, a really neat thing happened. I was sitting in the truck with the little boys; they were hungry. Remember that little boys are always hungry. I know I used the word always, and I think it quit appropriate for this scenario. I opened a bag of cheese crackers and was sharing it between them. I was hungry too, it was half past lunch time, and I knew it. Anyway, the crackers didn't look all that appealing but I ate one anyway. It didn't taste all that good either, I thought I should would love something healthy. (WOW, that was a surprising thought) Within about 30 seconds from having that thought, DING, (text message) It's Britney wanting to know if I wanted a salad. Instantly, a 100 things raced through my mind. “Was this a miracle, given to me because I allowed myself to be willing to wish for something healthy, something different than the same old garbage?” “Your wish is my command!” “This is sorta creepy.” No matter what I thought, I knew it was something meant to be.

I feel very fortunate, and blessed that as I recognize my willingness to allow goodness to come into my life, that it does. From this experience, I learned that I don't need to try to figure out the “How” in life, but just be willing to “Allow” good to come. God does love me, He watches over me, He knows me, and even when I'm not asking, He's answering.  

Being Willing Continued...

As I have done some more thinking about ...Being willing... I have come up with some ideas. As a general guide in recovery "we willingly turn our lives over to God." then something comes along like the opportunity to be willing to eat right, exercise or whatever it is. The old lies we have told ourselves start screaming for us to listen to them. The moment we recognize them for the lies that they are; willingness to choose something new springs up. We, again, choose to turn this over to God, and humbly ask Him to remove this shortcoming, this lie. In that split second the willingness of our hearts, turns to God and peace is showered on our souls.

For me, this has been a journey not only of healing but of repetitious learning and relearning the steps back to our Heavenly Father. He so lovingly gives me opportunities of growth, that tenderly teach me. For so many years I have been brutally at war with myself, God, and everyone else. The tender mercies of the Lord's teachings are so real, and surprisingly so comfortable and offer a safety I've never known in my addictions.

Yesterday, I was meditating with my vision board, and I was offered the sense of real peace. I know I have talked about this peace on several occasions. What I haven't talked about is my willingness to accept it into my heart. I love the feeling, often times I find myself hiding from it. What I mean is, I can't deny the reality of this feeling of peace, forgiveness, and love. I find in the initial moments of these feelings coming to my heart, I feel somewhat embarrassed and physically get a little flushed thus I hide or push the feelings a side.

I knew in that moment that I had to make the choice to be willing to accept this gift, that in spite of my weaknesses Heavenly Father, was offering me His peace, forgiveness, and love. I struggled a bit, and finally sat there and felt. In a split second, everything was made right. I'm not even going to attempt to express how different my life is today, the beauty, the light, the love.

With that being said, I want to invite you to be willing to accept the gifts that Heavenly Father is offering you through His tender mercies. Recovery is a beautiful place to be, but being willing to accept His gifts into our hearts hold a beauty that is incomprehensible.  

Being Willing to...

I was reading Becky Sampson's blog...http://bexdailyinspirations.blogspot.com and she was talking about being willing to exercise. Her words struck a deep part of my heart. I have always used the words, “I should” I have come to realize that “I should” is just another way I sabotage myself, and set myself up for failure. Then it occurred to me, that in my addiction I am more than willing to take care of anyone else. More than willing to the point I HAVE to take care of others. Why is it that I refuse to take care of myself? I recognize that taking care of myself is critical. It makes logical sense that I can't help others unless I am healthy enough to do it.

As I look at it, Becky's words “being willing to...” helps put my thinking patterns into perspective.  Realization that my thinking patterns and beliefs are wrong, is an awesome thing. There is a lot more to this issue, and I am looking forward to figuring out what it is. 

Step 7 Act of my Love

How does step 7 qualify as the greatest act of your love so far?

I know that I am not worthy to ask the Lord to remove my shortcomings. I know that I have been prideful and unbelieving towards the Lord. I know that I have allowed my sins to become who I was. For me to become humble enough to ask the Lord to remove my shortcomings to me, is like asking Him to remove the lies I've told that have justified my prideful war against my own spirit and against Him. It is like asking Him to assist me in burying my weapons or war, deep enough that I can not dig them up again. I no longer feel it necessary to be at war with God, myself, or anyone else. It is like humbly accepting His heart as my new heart.

The Simple Beauty of Life

The little simple things in life, can bring so much happiness when we are willing to see them. Looking back I was so obsessed in being miserable that I wasn't willing to recognize anything that might point towards happiness. I always strived to create a “perfect” life, for my family. For example, we would have a family get together, and I would kick into perfectionist mode. I would go all out to create to best menu, decorations. Tables, chairs matching dishes, and of course there would be a theme. When the family would get there, everything was done so there was nothing for anyone to help with. I on the other hand was still running around with this list of a 1000 things that I still needed to adjust.

I never enjoyed these gatherings. I can see now, that I wasn't providing an opportunity for my guest to enjoy themselves either. This past year, I have recognized that it isn't the food, dishes, or theme that our family gathers together for. They come to enjoy each others company, and they would like me to sit with them and just chat....Wow, what a concept....

A couple weeks ago, we had just such a family gathering. When people called and asked what they could bring, I let them suggest what they would like to bring. I made simple chili, and store bought rolls. We ate on paper plates, which just might turn into my “good china.” I actually ate with everyone, and spent the rest of the time chatting with everyone. I had such a great time, and captured so many smiling faces by taking over 100 pictures. I even let other people take my camera and get some shots of me, laughing and talking.

There are so many other ways, we can recognize or add some simple elegance to our lives. I'm going to take the time, to enjoy a pickle wedge next to my sandwich. Have you ever recognized how beautiful the crunch sound is when you cut lettuce? In the fall, I was sitting next to the resavor just above our house, and enjoyed the fish jump and the rings ripple out as the sun set in the background.

As I sit here and recall how wonderful these simple things are in life, I recognize that I was blinded to the simple beauty of life when I was deep in my addictions. I know that being able to have these simple moments of beauty beings the joy that comes from turning to Christ. They are gifts from heaven, gifts to enjoy on our journey here on this earth. When I pause to offer gratitude for these simple gifts in my life, I have an overwhelming sense of abundance.   

Step 7 Humility

Step 7 Humility

Humbly ask Heaven Father to remove your shortcomings.

Choosing to be humble

Most of us come to recovery meetings in desperation, driven by the consequences of our addictions. We were compelled to be humble. The humility described in step 7, however, has a different cause. It is voluntary. It is the result of your own choice to humble yourself. How have your feelings of humility changed since you started recovery?

I have searched in desperation for years for healing. I, in my addictions searched selfishly. These words sound kinda funny. How could it be selfish to want to heal from an addiction? Wouldn't being selfish during the recovery process be a good thing? I can sense somewhat of a conflict when I suggest that I was selfish when I was searching for healing. Even in my prayers I would pray for God to take away my problems. I would chant why me???? why me???? It was selfish of me, because I wanted to avoid the consequences of my behavior. I wanted someone else to blame for my life, and the hell I found myself in.

Even when I was presented with the ARP program, this selfishness was still there, it was still the driving force. I was desperate and I would try anything to heal my hell. Especially, now that through my search for healing I had become painfully aware that my life was hell and there was no denying that fact.

I started step 1 with the honest and true feelings that I was powerless to overcome my addictions and my life was truly unmanageable. As I spent the first months working step 1, my selfish stoney heart was softened to realize that it was alright to be powerless, that it was even a good thing. This was the first time in my life, that I remember feeling humility towards God. It didn't make me feel less than, it didn't make me feel weak. This humility made me feel strong, and “pointed towards God.”

Through, working he ARP steps, I feel like I have taken many steps in growing humility and desire to become one in heart and in mind with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. The selfish motivation, is being replaced with humility.

I still desire to heal from my addictions. Now, I want to do it, so that I can be strong enough to serve our Lord. I want to serve Him with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. I am committed to giving my life to Him, not so that he will heal me, or give me a new heart, but so that I can come unto Him.

Weaknesses Made Strong

Throughout my life, I have spent the majority of my time hoping for the best for everyone in my life. Along with this hope, I took action to bring the best for everyone. Sounds sweet, loving, and full of Christ like love right? That couldn't be further from the truth.

I do want the best for everyone, but not really for the best for them. I wanted to be the one that provided the best for them, so that they would love me. I wanted to be at every beck and call, providing for their need before they even knew they had needs. I slaved and cared for everyone even to refusing their help.

Meanwhile, I was angry inside and grew more and more resentful with every kind act. “Why can't they see all that I have done for them?” “Can't they just be thankful, this once?” “If I were to get really sick, would someone take care of me?” I carried a Savior complex towards everyone. Silently, I always wondered why no one really loved me. I believed that it was simply because I wasn't deserving of anyone's love. This believe drove my Savior complex even more, trying to earn their love even more.

What I didn't recognize is that our Heavenly Father, sent us here to this earth with the ability for our spirits to communicate with each other on a higher level. It doesn't matter what actions we give towards each other, it doesn't matter what words we say to each other, it only matters what our hearts say to each others spirit. My heart was at war towards everyone, I was on the defensive. I had armies building up walls to keep out the people that I thought I was trying to earn love from. I refused any act of kindness from anyone. I actually thought that these acts of kindness were lies, they were trying to get past my walls so they could hurt me. I had to show more kindness, so that I always look better than anyone else.

This battle raged within my heart and soul for so many years that I developed a waring heart of stone. War leaves many casualties, but the causality of my own heart is the topic of this entry. Not only was I at war with everyone else, I was at war with myself. The war that I waged with myself was the worst possible war anyone could wage.

The regret, and remorse for the pain I have caused my family runs so deep. I have limited my children's growth. I haven't developed or shared my talents with the world. I haven't magnified my calling here on this earth. How can I make this up to everyone? At this point I'm not going to address, the negative emotions, or self-damaging things I caused myself, because I want to talk about the cease-fire that recovery has offered.

Over this past year, since I have been in recovery and working the ARP steps I have learned that our Heavenly Father through the atoning love of Jesus Christ offers a way out. My heart has been softened, my heart has been opened. My mind has been educated, with new ideas. The lies, have begun to be discovered, and dismissed for the lies that they are.

I am being offered the opportunity to make amends to my loved ones through my healing, my new example, my learning how to love them and to support their growth and accepting their free agency. I still hope for the best for everyone I love, and I am becoming willing to allow our Heavenly Father, and brother, Jesus Christ to offer them what they think is best, and I just sit back and support that as I can.

We are all apart of something far bigger than any of us can imagine. Somehow, not knowing the bigger picture and just having faith that All is Well, All is Well has a soft sense of peace and a deep sense of joy that rings through my spirit.

I love working my program. I love sharing the forgiveness and the freedom that comes from coming to Christ. I love that I can begin to recognize my weaknesses, and my addictions for they point me toward Christ and remind me of where I am striving to be. I find rest in His arms, and the courage to keep enduring to the end, and in that my weaknesses have been made strong.

Admit that I am powerless

I know this post is similar to yesterday's post, but I still feel a sense to explore the topic of  being powerless in more detail. 

We all have weaknesses, these weaknesses lead to addictions if left unworked with. We all know what weaknesses are within ourselves. For me, I spent so many years trying to cover them up, and to compensate that my life literally became a lie. When I came into recovery I didn't know what the truth was, or even how to tell the difference between my lies and the truth. This was a very scary realization. It also made me wonder if I could be successful in recovery, sometimes I still wonder.

The lies we tell out of our own sense of realization and self-preservation become woven in the core of our DNA. In order to break these lies, up into parts that we can deal with we must first and foremost admit that I am powerless to overcome my weaknesses and addictions and that my life has become unmanageable as I am living it.

When I was first, looking at my life coupled with the lies that made up my reality I discovered that even though life sucked and was very dark and scary, it was familiar, it was safe, it was predictable. At this point in time, I had to make a choice. It is the same choice I have to make every day, sometimes several times a day. The choice of do I was to heal from my addictions or live in my safe predictable Hell. As I come to admit that I am powerless to overcome my weaknesses and addictions and that my life has become unmanageable I can choose to stay in recovery.

It takes a lot of courage and self evaluation to honestly come to the moment of realization that I am powerless. It takes even more courage to come to the place where you are willing to give up the safety, familiarity, and predictability of the Hell of your life.

For me, recovery is only possible in the moments that I am honest, and admit that I am powerless to overcome my weaknesses and addictions and that my life has become unmanageable.

Life has offered me many opportunities this past couple weeks to turn my will over to God. Honestly, most days I haven't done very well. I have stepped back in and taken over, and thought I have had the power to control my situations. Through, these experiences I have come to realize that I am powerless to control my life, the life of my family, and that I need to work on building more faith in my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that I can trust that I can come through these struggles with peace in and through them.

In the quiet moments through my days, it is so hard not to want for things to be different. It is almost impossible not to utter a silent prayer to God, to take my struggles away. I have even gone as far to “justify” God taking my struggles away, to make things easier for my family.

Falling off the wagon

Alright, so I know that I haven't written on my blog this week. I wish I could say that the week just got away from me, but that wouldn't be taking my personal responsibility would it...The truth is, I allowed many of my old patterns of behavior to surface and act out. This has been a great learning experience, and I would like to share with you some things that I have learned.

How does family play a role in recovery? How does having a belief in God play a role in recovery? For me it is still really easy to step back in the role of “running my life.” By running my life, I also mean running everyone else's too.

I have recognized that I still think I know what is best for someone else's life, especially people that are in recovery for themselves. It seems like I can see where they can work on their recovery, and I step into my self-righteous box, and just sit back and bark orders. “Work your program....” Where does that leave me? I will tell you right where that leaves me...Right in the middle of NOT working my program.

So I admit that not only have I not posted on my blog this week, I haven't been working my program either. What have I been doing? I have been a busy bee, buzzing around everyone and trying to make things go right? Wrong. I have been a busy bee, buzzing around everyone, but I've had an agenda. I want to make everyone's experience be perfect, sweet, and in harmony. Guess, what as I sit here I realize that no matter what that was an impossible out come.

There was a problem with two of the people involved. Of course, I tried to “mediate” the situation. I wanted to pull them together, and work through this, and bring peace and love to the family. Nothing I seemed to do, calmed anyone down. In fact, I wonder if it just made people angry at me, and wonder if I was taking sides...After I went to bed, I learned they went for a car ride and talked things through.

They didn't need my help, at all. They needed me to back off and allow them their free agency to work through their feelings and come together and talk it through with each other. I have spent this whole week wasting my time, on something that in the end I couldn't control.

What a wonderful experience this was. I guess you could say that I “fell off the wagon” or that I relapsed this week. I would say, that although that might be true, I really learned that the past is the past, and that I am powerless to control my situation, and even more powerless to control others. I would say that I won, I learned a great lesson this week.

Am I alone in this experience or have you had a similar experience in your recovery?  

What If

The following quotes came to me today, through an ARP newsletter I belong to. What perfect timing! As you have been reading my life is currently in a test mode to see how I can work my program, and turn to the Lord.


My life has been filled with What if...If only...Please God change this...As I sit here this morning, in a situation that I would much rather were very different for both myself and my family. I am so tempted to wish for things to be different. To ask God if there were another way. I can spill out a mile long list of justifications of why He should change things.


The words for this blog post roll through my mind, as I was starting the fire. My heart was impressed by the fact that these desires in my heart are selfish!!! How humbling a realization like this is. 


Somewhere in my interview in heaven I was asked to take on this situation, and to make the necessary sacrifices that are sure to come for myself and my family. I agreed to this, and so did my family. With the use of my free agency, I agreed to take this journey. To be a light of Christ, to the heart and souls of those who are coming that are in His need. I agreed that for Him I would love, care, and sacrifice all that I have and all that I might be given to invite these children that are coming into our home, and to do all things which point to Him our Lord and Master.


As you read this quote, I urge you to ponder your selfishness, and your love for Christ, and your willingness to turn your life over to him...

What if’s

I have come to understand how useless it is to dwell on the whys, what ifs, and if onlys for which there likely will be given no answers in mortality. To receive the Lord’s comfort, we must exercise faith. The questions Why me? Why our family? Why now? are usually unanswerable questions. These questions detract from our spirituality and can destroy our faith. We need to spend our time and energy building our faith by turning to the Lord and asking for strength to overcome the pains and trials of this world and to endure to the end for greater understanding.

Robert D. Hales, “Healing Soul and Body,” Ensign, Nov 1998, 14

“Promptings often come in short, crisp phrases, impressing upon us a certain duty. They come in other ways to each of us. We know what's happening to us, but we don't know all the implications of it. But God knows. It's a sacred process.

“Called to Serve”, Neal A. Maxwell, Brigham Young University on 27 March 1994

The Blessings of Peace

What happens the moment the realization comes that we are at peace? Since I have been working the ARP 12 step program, progressively more and more the realization of peace comes. At first when I had these realizations of peace I felt, almost as if my life was missing a fundamental key element. I began searching for this missing element. My going through this process of realizing that something was missing and searching to find it, was usually my first realization. I would slowly realize that the weakness or negative emotion that normally accompanied me in these moments was replaced by a peace, a peace that can only be obtained through coming unto Christ.

Jim is going to California, by way of Phoenix Arizona. He is planning on a 35 hour drive. Normally, I would be a wreck, coming up with all the what ifs...and negative scenarios that I could come up with. With the help of Satan I have come up with some pretty wild tales. As I was sitting here waiting for my class to start I recognized I wasn't putting myself or Jim through the torment that in the past has always accompanied his trips.

As I began to write this entry I realized that I had an invitation to recognize I was at peace with this early this morning. I remember pushing this sense of peace a side, ignoring the blessings I could have enjoyed all day for a sense of nothingness. I have to admit the nothingness was better than the fears, but not as sweet as the peace that comes through coming to Christ.

In the silence of this moment, my heart is filled with gratitude for this gift and the blessings that come in peace.

January 25^th, Jim has just pulled out for his trip to California. I feel a sense of loneliness, and sadness, all selfish feelings. Love sometimes brings with it undesired feelings, but instead of feeling like I need to battle these feelings off, I feel grateful for the love from and toward the greatest husband I could be blessed with.

When you receive the blessing of peace in your life, what do you do to recognize this peace and acknowledge this peace in your own heart, and towards Christ?

The Power to Overcome

As I have come through the past couple days, and evaluating this situation, I have come to realize that there is a strong possibly that Satan really has a strong presence in my life, and that he doesn't want the healing that recovery brings. With that I have even suggested that Satan reads my blog and turns around and holds it against me.

Recovery, and turning my life over to the higher power of God has so many wonderful benefits, but it also has it's great opposition. I caution you along with myself, to be vigilant in being aware of Satan's influence, and remember that through the power of God we can heal from the addictions we have been blessed with to overcome. 

.

May Angels Walk With You

Addiction Triggers

Last night I had a great experience. I had to attend a class that I didn't want to, every time I have to go I get a lot of anxiety. I had about an hour and a half before the class started. I felt that I needed cherry sours. If you don't know they are candy, I buy them at Cal Ranch. I ran to Wal-Mart to get some things I needed. When I was finished it was only half hour before I needed to be at class. Realisticly there wasn't time to go to Cal Ranch and still get to class on time. I immediately started to justify. Since I don't like being in this class, it won't matter if I'm late. I'm not learning or getting anything out of this class...On and on. As I walked out of Wal-Mart I realized that it made more sense to take the freeway to class, I could get there on time with a minimum traffic. As I quickly thought about it. (I'm always amazed at how fast thoughts can run through my mind) Anyway, I realized that my anxiety toward this class was what was driving me to the cherry sours. I like them, I do, but this moment I felt like I needed them. I didn't really even want them.

This was the first time, I recognized this situation in this light. I eat because of anxiety, and I justify doing it. As I made this realization I was able to step back and recognize that although, I am powerless to over come these triggers on my own I have a wonderful Heavenly Father that loves me, and is supporting me through giving me the gift of this realization that through Him, I can over come my weaknesses.

It doesn't matter what addiction you are recovering from, I challenge you to look for your triggers, and evaluate how they effect your life...I'd love to hear from you, and share with me what works for you when these triggers show up in your life.

May Angels Walk With You

Fear of the Unknown

The other day I read this amazing little story written by Rozanne Paxman. As we are in step 1 the fear of the unknown sometimes can be overwhelming. When I read this it helped bring perspective to some of the ways I feel. I hope that you can find light and truth in it when you read it. 

Fear of the Unknown

by Rozanne Paxman

Fear of the Unknown is a terrible fellow. He stands in hip boots and shakes fists in the air. He pulls frightening faces. He points, and he paces. He laughs when he scares you. He just doesn't care.

Fear of the Unknown is a terrible, wild man. He'll rip up your sofa and steal all your bread. He'll total your car and embezzle your money. He'll fire you, disown you, and leave you for dead.

Fear of the Unknown is a powerful fellow 'cause that's what he's told you and that's what you think. But the truth of the truth (and it's time that you knew it) is that Fear of the Unknown's a weak, sniveling stink.

He is vanquished forever when questions are answered – the ill-mannered questions that torment at night - the questions that stand in the back of your closet that jump out and get you and give you a fright.

"What if you fail here?" He whispers and teases. "What if they fire you and send you away? You'll starve, don't you know? You can't handle disasters. You're weak. You're a coward. You're foolish and lame."

"What if you're sick?" He mentions while moaning. "What if you're so sick that you pass away? You'll leave them behind without any money. They'll suffer and hate you when you're in your grave."

Fear of the Unknown is a persistent fellow. He sits in the parlor and rides in your truck. He follows you closely and sticks to your clothing. He walks in your shadow and laughs when you're stuck.

Fear of the Unknown is a sham of a fellow. His questions of terror you do need to hear. So listen and grab them and hold them and squeeze them. Write them and read them. Get rid of the fear.

Prepare for the worst things, the worst that he tells you. Decide what you'd do if your nightmares come true. Consider each one, from beginning to finish. How would you manage? What would you do?

And then he will leave you, old Fear of the Unknown. He'll leave you alone. He will go far away. Preparing and planning when you hear his questions are certain to scare him. He'll go without pay.

'Cause Fear of the Unknown loves shadows and darkness. Fear of the Unknown loves terror at night. He doesn't like bravery or courage or action. He doesn't like people who put up a fight.

May Angels Walk With You

How Does God See Me?

What does it feel like when the realization hits that: “I, of myself, am powerless to overcome my addictions and that my life has become unmanageable?” At that moment I felt only dispare. I felt a great unworthiness. I believed that it didn't matter I wasn't worthy for the Lord to heal me, and I was ashamed at the idea that if I turned my life over to the Lord he would refuse me, because I'm such a failure.

I found myself praying to be able to see how the Lord sees me. Somehow, show me, I'm worth something...My to my surprise the Lord was actually listening to my prayer, and He was willing to help and show me just how he saw me. During my prayer, the doorbell rang. Should I ignore it? I felt an urge to get up from my prayer and answer the door. There stood a little old man, that lives in our neighborhood. He walks around his block several times a day. He always reaches out to me at church, but has never stopped at my house before. He lovingly looked at me and said, “I wanted to tell you that your yard decorations are nice.” I thanked him, and he slowly left. I stood there looking at the cheep, blowup fall decorations that sat in my yard. Nothing special, just something I do. The point is it touched his life. The bigger point is he had a sense to walk across the street, and knock on my door and tell me. That experience was the beginning of the answer to my prayer. I returned to my prayer, this time with gratitude for the angel that God sent to me as an answer to how does God see me.

It was in this moment that I began to realize that I didn't have anything to loose if I could only turn my life over to our Lord. My journey has officially begun in this moment. Over the course of the next several days, I was gifted with several experiences that brought me, to begin to think maybe I am worthy of this journey, maybe I am loveable, maybe... for now it was at least enough for me to continue in attempting to take step 1.

May Angels Walk With You

Step 6 When we become impatient or discouraged

Today, I was considering one of the questions in step 6 about having a change of heart. I know that when I work the steps and answer the questions, I find myself less and less in victim mode and my answers become more and more positive. I want to thank my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for the healing that They have brought into my life.

Sometimes we become impatient or discouraged that recovery is an ongoing process. These verses show the Savior's and our Heavenly Father's patience with us as “little children.” Apply these verses to yourself by writing them out addressed to you personally.

D&C 50 40-42

40Behold, ye are little children and ye cannot bear all things now; ye must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth.

 41Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world, and you are of them that my Father hath given me;

 42And none of them that my Father hath given me shall be lost.

This is a really inspiring scripture to me because like right now I feel really strong in my recovery and in my process to build my relationship with Christ and Heavenly Father. At any given moment some crazy life event like the kids will start fighting, the bills will need to be paid, dinner will need to be made, the truck will need gas and an oil change, animals need feed, laundry will need to be washed and folded, oh yeah, I was just reminded that my little gal needs to have homemade treats for young women's tonight.

I always start to feel overwhelmed and wonder how everything will get done. I start feeling anxiety, and I want everything to be perfect, and of course instantaneous, and I take on the pressure of the world upon myself. No way will I ask for help, or accept it if it is offered. Guess what, I will get short tempered and resentful that no one is helping...Sounds crazy doesn't it?

How does my expectations of my “little children” related to the expectations that our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have for me? If I consider my parental views of my children what would I say?

Most of the time, I am understanding, and compassionate with my children when they make mistakes. I talk to them, about how I see things and how I think things should go. I want my children to talk to me, and express their feelings, fears, and their celebrations. I delight when they recognize and say thank you for the simple things in life. Out of my six children, they haven't done anything that lessons my love for them. In fact, our oldest son has made some pretty poor choices. I have always had faith in him, that his true self will come through. Guess what, it's coming through...I'm so proud of him. He is growing into the man I always knew was there. I can tell similar stories for the other five as well.

I'd like to believe that our Father in Heaven feels similar to these feelings that I have toward my children but toward me. He isn't expecting me to act or be an adult with the limited knowledge of truth that I have as a child. I must grow in His grace, just like the children in my stewardship.

Next time I feel impatient or discouraged, I'm going to remember this lesson. I think there is huge value to learn as a Child of God in learning more about how he sees me and what he expects from me.

Journal Action: Journal this scripture with your name put into the scripture just like the question suggested. I urge you not to just settle for putting your name into the scripture but through prayer and pondering contemplate the vast beauty these verses have to offer you.

Again, I'd love to hear anything about how you have experiences on your road to recovery.

May Angels Walk With You, 

Patterns of Self-Deception

It is infinitely joyous (as well as completely safe) to rid ourselves of self-deception and see others and ourselves as we really are. (Bonds that Make Us Free, pg 76) We justify our self-deception or in other words styles of self-deception in several ways, the following examples are also from Bonds that Make Us Free, pg 111.

Conscientiousness, a good thing in a person whose heart is right, when counterfeited, is what is called self-righteousness. Another version is perfectionism.

Forthrightness when counterfeited is tactlessness or insensitivity.

Humility counterfeited is self-disparagement.

Standing up for one's rights, again a good thing if done with a considerate heart and for the right reason, becomes when counterfeited contentiousness.

Consideration is the cloying behavior of the “pleaser”

In my life, I can totally relate to ALL these counterfeit behaviors. My co-dependency is littered with these self-deception styles. My whole life began with thinking errors, which naturally turned into distorted thinking patterns, of course next came irrational beliefs, finally I ended up with co-dependent me with addictive qualities. Since I began my recovery I've questioned whether someone, or something has caused me to be this way. There are times when, I so desperately want to blame someone.

The truth is that I can't judge the past on my present knowledge. I can't look back and blame, I am responsibly for where I am in life. Something I find rather amusing is I thought that through my awakening of recovery I gained a “knowledge” of my addiction. Yesterday, surprise I was again awakened to something very painful to my heart, that just might be the core of my addiction.

The words of being intellectually and spiritually feed came floating through the air, and straight to my heart. What does these words mean? How does being intellectually and spiritually feed relate to being physically feed? I have always thought that eating was a bad thing!!! I have secretly binged on “junk” food for years. My metabolism has always helped me hide my binge eating until this last year, when everything has spun out of control. I have hid how poorly I performed educationally, and spiritually as well. For me all three are exactly the same.

The lies have to stop!!! The perfectionism, the cloning acts of being the “pleaser”, the consideration, it was all a lie to cover up what I didn't want anyone else to see about me. I didn't want people to see that I am not perfect, and that I have developed a hatred for myself, and if you knew me you'd hate me too.

Through recovery I have since learned this isn't true. Through the gifts of prayer, and faith our Heavenly Father is teaching me that I am worthy or His love. I know you are too. I'm so thankful that recovery is a slow process and a life long journey. I love the journey I'm on, and I'm so thankful that I can share that with you.

Journal Action: I have spent many hours journaling, to find some missing piece in my soul. It is marvelous when I sit in silence and peace, with prayer in my heart what miracles happen. I would suggest that you take a similar step in your recovery.

May Angels Walk With You

Ether 12:27

Ether 12:27And if men come unto me I will show unto them their^aweakness. I ^bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my ^cgrace is sufficient for all men that ^dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make ^eweak things become strong unto them.

Why Do We Do The Things We Do?

I was offered this horrible realization about the time I got to step 6, that I have multiple addictions, or is it my addiction shows up in multiple places in my life...Not sure which one it is. I honestly believe that I am addicted to self-hatred. The  self-hatred shows up in my co-dependent behaviors and life patterns, it shows up as an eating disorder.  Along with the self-hatred is one of it's closest friends to me, self-defeating attributes. Talk about self-defeating attributes, it's everywhere literally everywhere in my life. After the realization this week I can't find a single place where I don't envelop all the self-hatred or self-defeating attributes I portray. 


It all comes back to beg the question, why? What triggers these behaviors, thought patterns, and beliefs? How does FEAR contribute to my behavior? What would my life be like if I didn't have this self-hatred, and self-defeating behaviors?


My first thoughts are to blame my childhood, my parents, and to claim I was simply programmed this way growing up. I've blamed my childhood, and my parents my whole life. I could go on right now and list everything that was wrong with my life, but I'm not going too. (You will thank me later).


After I made my list of everything I could blame, I came to the realization that these things are just my perception and in fact that perception is a lie in a sense. How does our perception of our childhood create FEAR in our adult lives? In my case I know my perception is wrong, but I don't know in what ways? Is it a good idea to go to my parents and ask them what my childhood was like, and how they parented? In my case, probably not a good idea, because their perceptions are theirs, and they won't have the ability to set my perceptions straight.


Let's pause and consider that my childhood was what it was, and I will not know (at least in this life) what that really was. Let's consider that somehow it was for my better good, and I can now choose to learn from my childhood and from my parents.


With that being said, how can I use this empowering and awakening to this knowledge to overcome my self-hatred and self-defeating behavior?


Here's a quote that really invites me to consider perceptions as the lies they are. ‎"All my life I have been lying. Even when I told the truth. For I never told the truth for its own sake, but only for my sake." (from Dostoyevsky's 'The Devils')

Blog objectives

First and far-most are the 12 steps. I personally follow the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS) Addiction Recovery Program. (ARP)

Second, I want everyone to discuss personal experiences related to your personal recovery.

Third, Knowing there is always hope, I want to explore things that bring hope to my life, and things that bring hope to your life.

Things like favorite quotes, ideas for alternative healing, and spiritual healing. This blog will also be dedicated to fun.

I invite you to share the things in your life that has helped you in your journey to recovery.