What does it feel like when the realization hits that: “I, of myself, am powerless to overcome my addictions and that my life has become unmanageable?” At that moment I felt only dispare. I felt a great unworthiness. I believed that it didn't matter I wasn't worthy for the Lord to heal me, and I was ashamed at the idea that if I turned my life over to the Lord he would refuse me, because I'm such a failure.
I found myself praying to be able to see how the Lord sees me. Somehow, show me, I'm worth something...My to my surprise the Lord was actually listening to my prayer, and He was willing to help and show me just how he saw me. During my prayer, the doorbell rang. Should I ignore it? I felt an urge to get up from my prayer and answer the door. There stood a little old man, that lives in our neighborhood. He walks around his block several times a day. He always reaches out to me at church, but has never stopped at my house before. He lovingly looked at me and said, “I wanted to tell you that your yard decorations are nice.” I thanked him, and he slowly left. I stood there looking at the cheep, blowup fall decorations that sat in my yard. Nothing special, just something I do. The point is it touched his life. The bigger point is he had a sense to walk across the street, and knock on my door and tell me. That experience was the beginning of the answer to my prayer. I returned to my prayer, this time with gratitude for the angel that God sent to me as an answer to how does God see me.
It was in this moment that I began to realize that I didn't have anything to loose if I could only turn my life over to our Lord. My journey has officially begun in this moment. Over the course of the next several days, I was gifted with several experiences that brought me, to begin to think maybe I am worthy of this journey, maybe I am loveable, maybe... for now it was at least enough for me to continue in attempting to take step 1.
May Angels Walk With You