It is infinitely joyous (as well as completely safe) to rid ourselves of self-deception and see others and ourselves as we really are. (Bonds that Make Us Free, pg 76) We justify our self-deception or in other words styles of self-deception in several ways, the following examples are also from Bonds that Make Us Free, pg 111.
Conscientiousness, a good thing in a person whose heart is right, when counterfeited, is what is called self-righteousness. Another version is perfectionism.
Forthrightness when counterfeited is tactlessness or insensitivity.
Humility counterfeited is self-disparagement.
Standing up for one's rights, again a good thing if done with a considerate heart and for the right reason, becomes when counterfeited contentiousness.
Consideration is the cloying behavior of the “pleaser”
In my life, I can totally relate to ALL these counterfeit behaviors. My co-dependency is littered with these self-deception styles. My whole life began with thinking errors, which naturally turned into distorted thinking patterns, of course next came irrational beliefs, finally I ended up with co-dependent me with addictive qualities. Since I began my recovery I've questioned whether someone, or something has caused me to be this way. There are times when, I so desperately want to blame someone.
The truth is that I can't judge the past on my present knowledge. I can't look back and blame, I am responsibly for where I am in life. Something I find rather amusing is I thought that through my awakening of recovery I gained a “knowledge” of my addiction. Yesterday, surprise I was again awakened to something very painful to my heart, that just might be the core of my addiction.
The words of being intellectually and spiritually feed came floating through the air, and straight to my heart. What does these words mean? How does being intellectually and spiritually feed relate to being physically feed? I have always thought that eating was a bad thing!!! I have secretly binged on “junk” food for years. My metabolism has always helped me hide my binge eating until this last year, when everything has spun out of control. I have hid how poorly I performed educationally, and spiritually as well. For me all three are exactly the same.
The lies have to stop!!! The perfectionism, the cloning acts of being the “pleaser”, the consideration, it was all a lie to cover up what I didn't want anyone else to see about me. I didn't want people to see that I am not perfect, and that I have developed a hatred for myself, and if you knew me you'd hate me too.
Through recovery I have since learned this isn't true. Through the gifts of prayer, and faith our Heavenly Father is teaching me that I am worthy or His love. I know you are too. I'm so thankful that recovery is a slow process and a life long journey. I love the journey I'm on, and I'm so thankful that I can share that with you.
Journal Action: I have spent many hours journaling, to find some missing piece in my soul. It is marvelous when I sit in silence and peace, with prayer in my heart what miracles happen. I would suggest that you take a similar step in your recovery.
May Angels Walk With You