I was offered this horrible realization about the time I got to step 6, that I have multiple addictions, or is it my addiction shows up in multiple places in my life...Not sure which one it is. I honestly believe that I am addicted to self-hatred. The self-hatred shows up in my co-dependent behaviors and life patterns, it shows up as an eating disorder. Along with the self-hatred is one of it's closest friends to me, self-defeating attributes. Talk about self-defeating attributes, it's everywhere literally everywhere in my life. After the realization this week I can't find a single place where I don't envelop all the self-hatred or self-defeating attributes I portray.
It all comes back to beg the question, why? What triggers these behaviors, thought patterns, and beliefs? How does FEAR contribute to my behavior? What would my life be like if I didn't have this self-hatred, and self-defeating behaviors?
My first thoughts are to blame my childhood, my parents, and to claim I was simply programmed this way growing up. I've blamed my childhood, and my parents my whole life. I could go on right now and list everything that was wrong with my life, but I'm not going too. (You will thank me later).
After I made my list of everything I could blame, I came to the realization that these things are just my perception and in fact that perception is a lie in a sense. How does our perception of our childhood create FEAR in our adult lives? In my case I know my perception is wrong, but I don't know in what ways? Is it a good idea to go to my parents and ask them what my childhood was like, and how they parented? In my case, probably not a good idea, because their perceptions are theirs, and they won't have the ability to set my perceptions straight.
Let's pause and consider that my childhood was what it was, and I will not know (at least in this life) what that really was. Let's consider that somehow it was for my better good, and I can now choose to learn from my childhood and from my parents.
With that being said, how can I use this empowering and awakening to this knowledge to overcome my self-hatred and self-defeating behavior?
Here's a quote that really invites me to consider perceptions as the lies they are. "All my life I have been lying. Even when I told the truth. For I never told the truth for its own sake, but only for my sake." (from Dostoyevsky's 'The Devils')