Old Thinking Patterns

My hubby and I are dissolving a working relationship with someone. There are some financial issues that still need to be finalized. Last year, there was an agreement as to how we would handle this financial situation. Now because of the dissolution of this relationship, I had become quit concerned about this outstanding financial issue.

In my concern, old thinking patterns have arose. Not a surprise, is it? This person hasn't fulfilled any of their obligations to this point, and I have no reason to believe that they will fulfill this one either. Out of my fear of loss, and my need for everything to be done "my way," my mind started racing with demands, and hurling insults.

Last night, as the conversation again confronted this financial issue, my mind started whirling with that same fear based demands. A new feeling became obvious in the mix of the old thinking and feeling patterns. What was this feeling? It was holding me back, in every second the feeling gained power, gained peace. The feeling was void of the fight, simply void of the fight.

Alright, so what if this financial issue doesn't get resolved the way I want it to? What choices does it leave me with? In circular fashion, begs the eternal question, "What do I have to lose?"

At this moment, God is granting me serenity, to know that I shouldn't be so demanding, and that I currently have unrealistic expectations. I can not change this, and secretly He promts, I might not want to. In this moment, I've been blessed with wisdom. I have the faith to know, that the Lord is mindful of me and my needs in ways I can't comprehend. 

Greg Olsen Copyright

May Angels Walk With You

Know When To Hold 'Em

In 1978 Kenny Rogers recorded the song the Gambler. There is much to learn from the lyrics of that song. The chorus says You got to know when to hold’em, know when to fold’em, Know when to walk away and know when to run. The next verse says E’vry gambler knows that the secret to survivin is knowing’ what to throw away and knowing what to keep, Cause every hand’s winner and every hand’s a loser, and the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep.

I read these words today, and they sang a special song to my soul. Of course, I want to share that with you. As a Mom I tend to always want to hold on, and hold on I have. I had a belief that if I held on I could prevent my children from feeling the pains for failure. While I was holding on and avoiding failure, I also held on so tight that I prevented my children from enjoying their success. Looking back that is a hard truth for me to accept. 

Now, I strive to "invite" my children to join me, in projects that I have no idea how they will turn out. I've learned that my daughter hesitates to tell me no, even though it isn't reasonable for her to join in the project with me, due to something she thinks is important, like homework....She is afraid of hurting my feelings, or more so she afraid of my flipping out and being angry. She has every right to feel this way, it is going to take me a LONG time to earn her trust. 

I can say the same thing about my hubby. He's the most patient, and accepting person. He's had to be to live through my co-dependency, but more so my recovery. Since I've hid from my pain, and held on to it for so long, I have a hard time dealing with it now when it raises it's head.

The secret to what to throw away and what to keep, is highly personal, but I want to share a story with you. Many years ago, when I was fresh, fresh, fresh in recovery. I didn't even realize where I was. I was lead by an angel who one day asked me, a question. This question has proven to be one of the most important questions in all of my recovery. He asked, "What do you have to lose?" Deep in my own victimstance, my answer was EVERYTHING!, I frantically started to ramble off in my head what I had to lose, topping my list was ...My marriage... Even though my hubby and I had a decent loving marriage, it was still better than anything else I'd had in my life. Instead of looking at it like that, I wish I would have seen that I could throw away a marriage built on my lies, my fantasies, and my blindness to reality. 

Over the next coming years, I've let that marriage go! My hubby and I of 17 years are happier, and better off. WHY? I am becoming more honest, more honest with myself, and more honest with him. I learned to be willing to throw away, what I need to and keep the rest. Every hand is a winner, if I choose it to be, and every hand is a looser if I hold on to all the wrong stuff.

I have grown so much in my love and my faith in my Savior, Jesus Christ through my recovery journey home to Him. I know He knows me personally, He loves me, and He wants me to be encircled in His atoning arms of love. I also know that He wants these things for you too.

May Angels Walk With You.   

Simplicity at it's Funnest...

Alright, I'm sure you've seem all the DIY cleaners on Pintrest and one some of the coolest blogs out there. I finally decided to take the plunge and make my own laundry soap. This is how it turned out...

It was so simple to make, and so easy to use. I have a sense of purpose every time I do a load of laundry. I am helping my family, my community, and the earth her self in a healthy way. 

Not only have I found a healthy way to serve others, it's also so simple. It drives me crazy how complicated I used to make thing...

Priorities

I don't know about you, but I find it insanely crazy to set priorities. I want to do everything, and I want it done NOW! It's just that simple.

Currently, I have a pile of recipes strewn all over my desk. I have taken on the task to weed out the ones I don't really use, and organize the rest. I have also decided to make a digital recipe collection in Photoshop CS5. Which means, I'm creating all the recipe cards, and creating the recipe on each one of them. Like the example of the picture below. 

I also Digital Scrapbook for my family, and for clients...I have several projects that I'm working on. Here's one of my favorites.

I also have a wood project, I'm working on for my daughter's birthday, (which was last week), still unfinished on the kitchen table.

It looks like this...

...but it is supposed to look like this. 

(and it will when it's finished)

Four days ago, I adopted an Orphaned Piglet...He has taken more work than any of my little babies combined...He's a little cutie, and he's impossible to resist. 

Yep, you guessed it, he's in the house. He is 1 of 11 born in his litter, but the first night they all froze to death except for this little guy. Then his mother rejected him. 

I also have all the regular family obligations, cooking, cleaning, playing, studying. Did I mention I'm writing two books. They started as one, but somewhere in the middle made a division. Last, but not least it's tax season. Yeah!

Alright,  just like my usual style, I have way to many irons in the fire. It's a huge part of my co-dependent nature. I find myself here on a regular basis, I'd think I'd learn my limitations, but I don't. Somewhere inside, I have a deep "love" for jumping in with both feet. 

Some days, I love my life, and all the irons in the fire. Some days, like today when I've sleep deprived, I find that I've taken on to much and that my life is unmanageable as I am living it. There are days when I have to set back and truthfully, and honestly evaluate, what I can control, what is important and where some of the "crazy" snuck  back into my life. 

Relationships End

Over the past 17 years I became deeply invested in a very personal relationship. My to my surprise without any notice the relationship ended in August 2012. I was devastated. At the moment it was one of the biggest loses I've ever experienced.

Over the course of this relationship, the other person was and is very toxic. I would threaten to end the relationship, but I never followed through. Mainly, because the relationship feed my co-dependency. It gave me purpose. I had someone to "fix." Over the years of emotional roller coasters, and  their push me away, pull me in control issues, I just kept trying to make things better. 

Even after I was in recovery I didn't recognize the toxicity of this relationship. I didn't realize how cruel and manipulative this person is to me.  A couple years ago, I sat down several times to have what I call "check in" meetings with this person. During these check in meetings, I would talk about some of the self awareness I was discovering in myself, and subsequent changes I'd like to invite into our relationship. In word, things seems bright, and hopeful. I would also sit down with my children and explain changes I'd like to invite into our family.

Let me tell you a funny lil side story. I had to develop these check in meetings, because I'd make changes in my heart and in my mind and just ASSUME that my family and friends would be able to read my mind and just some how know the path I was on, and know the changes I wanted made...FUNNY-CRAZY right? Right! Besides the check in meetings, I will also wave my arms and exclaim "That reminds me..." I can still see my families eyes roll just thinking about what will come out of my mouth next....

Anyway, back on track...

A couple weeks later another emotional roller coaster ride, and there I'd go again fixing and rebuilding. Another check in meeting, and another discussion---Much to my pleasant surprise, sometimes the other person would initiate these check in meetings. 

Through, this I somehow turned a blind eye, that this wasn't the life the other person wanted. I started to create an imaginary relationship in my heart of bliss, equality, and growth. I continued to strive to build a healthy relationship, and overlook the ever present toxicity on our relationship. 

This unrealistic expectations of this relationship couldn't hold up, again much to my surprise, I used to be able to float along for a very long time on unrealistic expectations. I asked for another check in meeting, in an attempt to apologize for my expecting to much. I also explained that I would not ride the emotional roller coaster again ever! I explained how painful it was for me to see this person in a bad emotional place and how I wanted the best for them...I went on and talked for a while. (I can do that)

So the separation begins, and unknown to me, this was the final nail in the coffin of the relationship. My dear friend tested, and tested my promise to never ride the emotional roller coaster again. I will tell you, this was the hardest promise I've ever attempted to keep. I weakened at times, and tried to keep the lines of communication open.

One afternoon, much to everyone's surprise, especially this person I stood up for myself. I stood hard. The person walked out and never to speak to me again. Five months later, I'm still reeling from the lose of the relationship. But I realized I'm sad for the lose of the imagined relationship, not the real, yet toxic one.

I've continued an open conversation about this with my hubby, who is the greatest man in my life. Otherwise, I haven't talked about this until here. As you can tell, I'm being very protective of the person and their identity. Some of the readers here will know who this is, and I ask you to please don't ask me about it. I'm still in a very emotional place about the relationship and I can't talk objectively about it yet.

My point of telling you this, is in many ways I can't imagine how this other person couldn't let go of their emotional issues and stand on their own. On the other hand, I feel extremely guilty for feeding the monster inside this other person. When I met this person, they came with huge baggage, and I made sure from the begging I set ground rules that I wouldn't cross. I wonder if I would have played a different role in their life, would they have turned out stronger and more able to stand on their own???? (Ifin' and wishin')

I challenge you to take a serious look at the important relationships in your life, and the role that you actually play.

A Lot of History

I have some catching up to do. I haven't written in a long time. I still have a lot to say, at least in my heart. My life has definitely changed, since I last wrote here. 

To begin with my search for simplicity has taken on a "real" dimension in my life.  I have sold off many of the larger items in my home and in my life that was just taking up space. I have also sold off some smaller things. There is a "real" inspiration to doing a little cleaning out the closet. Both physically and emotionally. I have come to the realization that, as I was stuck in my ever pleasing manner of co-dependency, I collected physical things in an attempt to fill the emotional voids in my life. The truth is, I found comfort in being surrounded by things that could never love me, simply because they could never hurt me either.  

This realization has been hard to accept, but beautiful as well. Imagine how hard it is to let go of these things...In theory I told myself it was a way to make a little extra income. Although, true it was still a lie I was telling myself to make the separation easier.  There was a lot of heartache watching these things walk out the door with other people.

Looking back, it was some of the best gift I could have ever given myself. There is a freedom in letting go. There is a sense of weightlessness in letting go.

Tomorrow, I'm going to talk about a relationship I was forced to let go of...That has been so hard and so heartbreaking. I've come to a point where I find joy in that the relationship is over, and how toxic it was without me even recognizing it.

Until tomorrow. May Angels Walk With You

A Disciple’s Journey

This is just to good not to repost....

A Disciple’s Journey

BRUCE C. HAFEN

BYU Devotional Address, 5 February 2008

Describing a disciple’s journey from darkness into light, the Lord told the early Saints: “And if your eye be single to my glory, your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you.”35 Having an eye single to God is then just one condition we must meet before the Atonement can bless us with the attributes of divinity. As Moroni said, “Touch not the evil gift, nor the unclean thing . . . and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; . . .then are ye sanctified.”36

I heard President Hinckley once say that prosperity leads to indulgence, and indulgence leads to sin. Indulgence means gratifying our vain desires in the proud belief that we deserve to have it all, so we keep one hand on the wall of the temple and one foot on the dance floor at Club Babylon.

Many people feel they have a right to indulge themselves: eating too much, spending too much, and reveling in creature comforts. But, as one friend said, if you don’t get out of your comfort zone, you won’t learn. And if you don’t learn, you won’t grow. And without growth, you won’t find joy.

Today’s flood of pornography (addictions) usually results from overindulgence. But note this irony. Alma told his son, “Bridle all your passions.” Why? So “that ye may be filled with love.”37 Pornography and addictions can destroy marriages, shattering the true romantic dream of eternal love.

Imagine that! Fake love can destroy real love. What a cheap and dirty trick! And worse, yielding to porn and addictions is a classic example of touching the unclean thing, of refusing to deny oneself of ungodliness. This double-mindedness has consequences: We cannot then be perfected in Christ—not because He lacks the power but because we just lack the discipline. Thank heaven repentance can restore discipline.

What is the Purpose of Life?

Rick Warren ,  'Purpose Driven Life '

"People ask me, What is the purpose of life?  And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me.  I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity.  We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.  Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one. The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.  We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness. This past year has been the greatest year of my life; but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.  
I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.  Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life.  No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.  And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.  You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems:  If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is my problem, my issues, my pain.' But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.  We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her. It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.  You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life. 

We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes for my life?  When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know you more and love you better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we're called human beings, not human doings." 

Become Clean

I read this early this morning and loved it. I don't know the author, but it is simple and says it with power... Because of Jesus Christ, "there is no habit, no addiction, no rebellion, no transgression exempted from the promise of complete forgiveness." You can change and become clean:

Peace

My soul searches for feelings, familiar feelings. Within the absence of fear and anxiety, there is a new fear, a searching fear wondering where did the old familiar fear go? There is safety in that ugly fear.

Off in the distance, there is a peace. The kind of peace that sits softly in the shadows waiting for the clouds of doubt to disburse. A vague sense of familiarity hangs over this new found peace, definitely not familiar enough to let in, not just yet.

An uneasy conflict creeps out of the darkness, and raises its sword. A hush rolls over the ground; victory starts to swell in the heart of the fear as it knows it will conquer again. Foot soldiers come into view, doubt, questioning, reasoning, and overthinking stand waiting weapons drawn, searching for a crack in my armor.  

Knowing all has been done, powerless, standing faithfully waiting command as peace softly and slowly wraps its self protectively around my soul.

The conflict still rages, the soldiers still searching for a way in. Prayers go up, that I might be justified, and sanctified.

Are You Codependent?

In reaction to negative  circumstances, we have learned to endure life rather than to live it. We have developed personality characteristics which act as coping mechanisms. These mechanisms, while at one time protective, prove to be detrimental to forming healthy relationships. Some of these characteristics are:

1. We assume responsibility for other’s feelings and/or choices.
2. We have difficulty identifying our own feelings: happiness, pain, anger, joy, sadness, loneliness, etc.
3. We have difficulty expressing our feelings in healthy ways.
4. We tend to fear that our feelings or needs will be belittled or rejected by others.
5. We tend to minimize, alter or even deny the truth about our feeling or needs.
6. We tend to put other’s feelings and needs ahead of our own, not allowing there to be a healthy balance with our feelings and needs.
7. Our fear of other’s feelings (especially anger) determines what we say and do.
8. Our serenity and attention is determined by how others are feeling or by what they’re doing.
9. We do not realize that feelings are not good or bad, that they just are.
10. We question or ignore our own conscience, our own values, in order to connect with significant others—trusting and obeying their feelings or opinions more than our own.
11. Other people’s actions or desires tend to determine how we respond or react.
12. Our sense of self-worth is based on other/outer influences instead of on our personal witness of God’s love and esteem for us.
13. We have difficulty making decisions and are frightened of being wrong or making a mistake.
14. We are perfectionistic and place too many expectations on ourselves and others.
15. We are not comfortable acknowledging good things about ourselves and tend to judge everything we do, think, or say as not being good enough.
16. We do not know that it is okay to be vulnerable and find it difficult, almost impossible, to ask for help.
17. We do not see that it is okay to talk about problems outside the family, thus we leave ourselves and our families stranded in the troubles they are experiencing.
18. We are steadfastly loyal—even when that loyalty is unjustified and often personally harmful to us.
19. We have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others.

Overcoming codependency follows the same path as overcoming any other addiction or life trauma—developing a one-on-one relationship with Jesus Christ.

Excerpted from the pamphlet, “Speaking Heart t’ Heart on Codependency.” Used with permission from Heart t’ Heart.

Prayer and Guidance

In ARP we are often reminded that what we pray for may not be what is best for us.  We are able to see only a little way, and our vision is clouded by our present situation and daily happenings and distractions.

If the problems I have to face seem beyond my endurance,  I will not explain them to God; He already knows.  I will not tell Him what I expect Him to do about my difficulties; He knows what is best for me.

When I am faced with something which it is beyond my power to perform, to decide, or to cope with, I will not struggle with it by myself.  I will ask Him to show me what steps to take.  This is prayer; not to ASK FOR anything but GUIDANCE.

“All true prayer somehow confesses our absolute dependence on God. It is a vital contact with Him.  It is when we pray truly that we really are.  From our prayers we receive light to apply…to our own problems and difficulties.”  (Thomas Merton: No Man is an island)

“God dwells wherever man lets Him in.”  (Martin Buber)

Let Go...

LET GO. . .

To “let go” does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.

To “let go” is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can’t control another.

To “let go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To “let go” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.

To “let go” is not to care for, but to care about.

To “let go” is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To “let go” is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To “let go” is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies

To “let go” is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.

To “let go” is not to deny, but to accept and move forward.

To “let go” is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish myself in it.

To “let go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To “let go” is to not regret the past, but to grow and to live for the future.

To “let go” is to fear less and to love more and Trust God more.

(Author Unknown)

Natural Man

I have eaten some Bit O Honey Candies… Maybe a whole bunch of them. Yep, I wrote them in my food journal. It isn’t a matter that I ate them it is more a matter that I recognize that empty feelings that I felt that was the driving factor to eat them. I’m not sure how to describe empty.

I guess it’s the feeling I feel right before either one of two things happens…The first thing is easy to figure out, it is when I give into the urge to do whatever my addiction is. The other one is a bit more complicated it is being humble enough to admit I’m powerless over the addiction and allow Jesus Christ to carry me though the emptiness.

The stronger my desire to have faith in Jesus Christ is, the stronger my faith becomes. My faith doesn’t become stronger in just having desire; Christ grants me opportunities to travel through periods of emptiness on my journey so that I can learn that I am powerless. Who would have ever imagined that (at least for me) Bit O Honey candy could point towards Christ?

The natural man or the natural woman will not go away quietly or easily. Hence, the most grinding form of calisthenics we will ever know involves the individual isometrics required to put off the natural man. Time and again the new self is pitted against the stubborn old self. Sometimes, at least it's so with me, just when at last we think the job is done, and then the old self reminds us that he or she has not fully departed yet.

A vital, personal question for each of us, therefore, is, "Are we steadily becoming what gospel doctrines are designed to help us become?"

"Called to Serve" NEAL A. MAXWELL Brigham Young University on 27 March 1994

Very Much Alive

In the action steps of step 1 it says, “…when the pain of the problem becomes worse than the pain of the solution.”  How can I describe the pain of an eating addiction? What are some of my pains of my addiction? I have gained upwards of 50 lbs, I have sever migraines, I have sever fatigue, and I have physical pain throughout my whole body.

All these things take away my ability to spend time with my family, when I do spent time with my family it is challenging to be able to enjoy it. I am finally to a point where the pain of these problems is worse than the pains in the solution.

What are the pains of the solution? I don’t know, and I really don’t care. I am powerless in the pains of my problems and life has become unmanageable. After coming through the addiction recovery program now several times before I am far more willing to turn my will over to the care of my Savior.

It has been eight days since I have eaten any candy. I haven’t been tempted to buy any when I’ve been in the store. I’ve seen it at the checkout, and recognized that I was facing an old pattern; it just didn’t seem to matter. Today, being the eighth day, the desert, Britney, planned for dinner was ice cream. I had a small dish. I savored every bite. When I was finished, I recognized I had enjoyed it very much and I was certainly satisfied. I don’t feel guilty, I actually feel very much alive.

My Need For Isolation

What about the dreaded need to admit that I am addicted to the way the poor food choices make me feel? I eat in isolation so that I can be deeper in my isolation. I eat sugar, no not tablespoons of sugar from the sugar jar, but candy, and lots of it! It no longer matters if I secretly or openly buy and eat large amounts of candy. 

Let me share with you, what constitutes “a lot” in my life. $5.00-$10.00 a day! In money terms, maybe upwards of $300.00 a month doesn’t sound like it would affect a family budget. In what amounts does it mean? Five or more jumbo candy packages, chips, and bakery items daily. An example is; I will buy packages of pastries from the bakery then drive around town and eat the whole package before I go home. Often the local grocer will have a sale on jumbo candy boxes. Of course, I will buy what is on sale, and have it eaten in a day or two. I’m glad the sale last all week. What triggers my eating of all this candy?

How come I classify the amount of sugar I eat a day an addiction? Wikipedia defines; Addiction as, addiction is the continued use of a mood altering substance. Sugar alters my moods in several ways. 

The first way I’m going to talk about is the most significant way to me. I am afraid that if I don’t eat sugar, I will get a headache. You likely sigh, with reading the word headache. Since I’m so prone to headaches and migraines, I fight the myth of them with eating sugar as a preventative measure. Anyone who knows anything about nutrition, health, or simple headaches knows the fallacy of my way of being in this thinking. Sugar is one of the main causes of headaches in women!

Simply what makes my eating such large amounts of sugars each day an addiction to me is the lie I tell myself and others for doing it!!!! I really want you to understand what I am saying here so I’m going to copy/past and repeat what I said, Simply what makes my eating such large amounts of sugars each day an addiction to me is the lie I tell myself and others for doing it!!!!

First, I’ve described that my eating sugar alters my mood, by causing me to lie to myself and to others.

Now, I want to describe how my eating sugar alters my mood by causing a calming and comforting feeling to come over me. One place I eat sugar is in the late evening, lying in bed watching T.V. Funny, thing is that one of my most watched T.V. programs is NBC’s Biggest Loser. How could a sane person watch Biggest Loser, and maintain any level of personal comfort about their lives unless they are feeding their face with junk? I eat sugar, to hide from emotions like guilt. I feel guilty that I didn’t keep up with the completely unrealistic expectations I have for my life and the lives of my family.

What am I learning from this inventory on this path?

What is FAT?

I have battled the emotions of "sugar" addiction like they are the flaxen cords of Satan's web. I have an endless list of excuses, making it alright to eat. I’ve said, “Oh, just one won’t hurt.” “No one will know.” “It’s not that bad.” “I have to eat this. I don’t want to hurt the hostess’s feelings.” “I haven’t gained any real noticeable weight.” “I have what I’m eating and my weight under control.” “Eating this doesn't hurt anyone, but me.”

Like many people, I eat when I’m sad, when I’m happy, or to celebrate with family and friends. I’ve eaten to cover up feelings. Moreover, I’ve NOT eaten to hide from feelings.

Now, I have to lose 50 pounds! I defiantly desire to lose 50 pounds. I guess the bigger question is what is within the 50 pounds that is really important I lose? One of the answers is pretty obvious, FAT being the most obvious. What are some of the things within the 50 pounds that are less obvious and possibly more important?

Pride comes first to my mind. Pride that I somehow think myself not good enough, to take even reasonable care of myself especially in respect to how I perceive myself caring for others. This is certainly a way of digging myself deeper into isolation. I can think of several people I’ve avoided seeing over the past few months.

Fear also comes to my mind. Fear that I am not worth loving, so it is possible to drive off those suborn people that haven’t left me yet. Fear that I can’t lose the weight. I’ve never been faced with losing 50 pounds, and to me it seems like a huge feat; especially, considering that within the past two years I’ve tried losing less weight and it continued to cling to me, and to multiply in a freakish fast and harsh way. What if the weight has a fear of letting go of me? Is that possible?

Forgiveness comes to my mind, in an overwhelming way. How can forgiveness have anything to do with the sugar I eat? In my heart, as the tears swell in my eyes forgiveness is what the pride and the fear are trying to hide and isolate me from. Forgiveness is what will release and free me from not just the 50 pounds, but from the much heavier emotions that the fat is covering up.

Guided to Paths of Opportunity

It was only 10 years ago, when I began to realize that my “story” was starting to crash in on me. I am so thankful for the angels in my life, which walked with me and helped me gain a glimpse of my current reality and the possibility of a new life, a new heart. I am even more thankful for the times in which I was left in the darkness of my own hell where I couldn’t perceive angels or God with me.  

It was in these times that I recognized my need for change. I only knew the life I was living. I was blinded to the fact I was hurting myself, and others around me. I didn’t know love. I didn’t know the hell I was in. I was numb, I was asleep, I probably still am.

Through this healing journey, I have been guided to paths where I have to face demons. None of these demons, could I conquer on my own.  Nevertheless, I am guided to face them only when I have been sufficiently prepared to battle them; and allow Heavenly Father to defeat them. I feel drawn to a path, which I have avoided for some time. I have used several excuses which you will read tomorrow to avoid taking this path. The next two entries are the beginning of a battle that I know I cannot conquer on my own, I am powerless to overcome. I know I will need huge amounts of love from Christ to even sustain me, through facing my demon.

For anyone reading my blog, you will know that I look at my co-dependency as a form of addiction. I take a look at addiction in a way that works for me personally. My addiction is like the dreaded “pyramid scheme.” We’ve all been approached by someone selling the idea of the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, they say, “we’ll all be rich….” They recruit us, and then sit at the top of the pyramid and reap the benefits of our hard work. For me, co-dependency sits at the top of the pyramid and reaps the good fortune of all the sub-addictions working hard below it. One of my sub-addiction is “sugar,” it enslaves me, and thus it feeds great benefits to the co-dependency addiction at the top of the pyramid. Actually, this is the only pyramid scheme that I’ve ever seen work, and reap great benefits. The problem is although co-dependency is reaping a great benefit, I reap more pain and become enslaved deeper in the cycle of addiction.

As I stand here staring into the eyes of the “sugar” beast that has haunted me emotionally, long before the physical evidence was apparent. I don’t even know what the Lord is asking me to do. I don’t know if I’m standing here paralyzed in fear, or if I’m supposed to silently stand here to take in the fierceness of the beast.

Deep Appreciation

President Spencer W. Kimbell, the twelfth President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, said, “We know that women who have a deep appreciation for the past will be concerned about shaping a righteous future.” This understanding can help us find inspiration from the past and feel peace as we face the future.

As I consider the implications of this concept, it occurs to me that if I am willing to forgive myself for my past actions, past emotions, and past perceptions that it would be easier to face the future with peace. In fact, these statements allow me a whole new perception of my past. I now can consider my past as an experience, and a learning example that offers me two ways of shaping my future.

I can either choose to shape my future in a manner where I recognize the darkness and the light that is in my past, and use those experiences as a way to point me towards Christ, or I can choose to shape my future in a manner where I recognize the darkness alone and shape my future as a victim and simply conform to a future of victimhood, and allow the darkness to direct who I become.

We all have this choice, we all have this freedom, and we all have the blessing of consequence to spark our free agency to shape a path that we can journey home towards our Savior, Jesus Christ.

Consequences

“Alma’s son Corianton thought it unfair that penalties must follow sin, that there need be punishment. In a profound lesson, Alma taught the plan of redemption to his son and so to us. Alma spoke of the Atonement and said, “Now, repentance could not come unto men except there were a punishment” (Alma 42:16).

If punishment is the price repentance asks, it comes at bargain price. Consequences, even painful ones, protect us. So simple a thing as a child’s cry of pain when his finger touches fire can teach us that. Except for the pain, the child might be consumed. “ Boyd K. Packer, “Who Is Jesus Christ?,” Ensign, Mar 2008, 12–19

The pains and learning from consequences will, if I choose to benefit from them, turn me from repeating the bad behavior.  (See Alma the younger in Alma 36.) The “allowance” that God makes for me is allowing me to experience the consequence, and then He with all the compassion that He is capable of, allows the consequences to run their course and while they do, as I repent, He gives me the Holy Ghost to help me endure them. Yes He takes us upon His shoulders, but He lets the consequences of sin work its blessing.

It is exactly as Joseph Smith says in the last paragraph; we cannot tell others what they should do. We must wait with all long-suffering (sometimes because we are asked by God to be a catalyst in that suffering), till God shall bring such characters to justice.  There should be no license for sin. We are not to give any, in our homes or in our community, nor in any portions of government.  Love is given, but trust is earned and when it is earned, and God deems it earned (and He tells me it is earned), I must extend the same mercy he extends. But I cannot, must not interfere with His plan for any of His children. My role is to obtain His perspective, and play the role that He wants me to play even if it painfully means letting go of the person(s) that are or are not working out their salvation.