In 1978 Kenny Rogers recorded the song the Gambler. There is much to learn from the lyrics of that song. The chorus says You got to know when to hold’em, know when to fold’em, Know when to walk away and know when to run. The next verse says E’vry gambler knows that the secret to survivin is knowing’ what to throw away and knowing what to keep, Cause every hand’s winner and every hand’s a loser, and the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep.
I read these words today, and they sang a special song to my soul. Of course, I want to share that with you. As a Mom I tend to always want to hold on, and hold on I have. I had a belief that if I held on I could prevent my children from feeling the pains for failure. While I was holding on and avoiding failure, I also held on so tight that I prevented my children from enjoying their success. Looking back that is a hard truth for me to accept.
Now, I strive to "invite" my children to join me, in projects that I have no idea how they will turn out. I've learned that my daughter hesitates to tell me no, even though it isn't reasonable for her to join in the project with me, due to something she thinks is important, like homework....She is afraid of hurting my feelings, or more so she afraid of my flipping out and being angry. She has every right to feel this way, it is going to take me a LONG time to earn her trust.
I can say the same thing about my hubby. He's the most patient, and accepting person. He's had to be to live through my co-dependency, but more so my recovery. Since I've hid from my pain, and held on to it for so long, I have a hard time dealing with it now when it raises it's head.
The secret to what to throw away and what to keep, is highly personal, but I want to share a story with you. Many years ago, when I was fresh, fresh, fresh in recovery. I didn't even realize where I was. I was lead by an angel who one day asked me, a question. This question has proven to be one of the most important questions in all of my recovery. He asked, "What do you have to lose?" Deep in my own victimstance, my answer was EVERYTHING!, I frantically started to ramble off in my head what I had to lose, topping my list was ...My marriage... Even though my hubby and I had a decent loving marriage, it was still better than anything else I'd had in my life. Instead of looking at it like that, I wish I would have seen that I could throw away a marriage built on my lies, my fantasies, and my blindness to reality.
Over the next coming years, I've let that marriage go! My hubby and I of 17 years are happier, and better off. WHY? I am becoming more honest, more honest with myself, and more honest with him. I learned to be willing to throw away, what I need to and keep the rest. Every hand is a winner, if I choose it to be, and every hand is a looser if I hold on to all the wrong stuff.
I have grown so much in my love and my faith in my Savior, Jesus Christ through my recovery journey home to Him. I know He knows me personally, He loves me, and He wants me to be encircled in His atoning arms of love. I also know that He wants these things for you too.
May Angels Walk With You.