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Thursday, August 9, 2012

What is FAT?

I have battled the emotions of "sugar" addiction like they are the flaxen cords of Satan's web. I have an endless list of excuses, making it alright to eat. I’ve said, “Oh, just one won’t hurt.” “No one will know.” “It’s not that bad.” “I have to eat this. I don’t want to hurt the hostess’s feelings.” “I haven’t gained any real noticeable weight.” “I have what I’m eating and my weight under control.” “Eating this doesn't hurt anyone, but me.”

Like many people, I eat when I’m sad, when I’m happy, or to celebrate with family and friends. I’ve eaten to cover up feelings. Moreover, I’ve NOT eaten to hide from feelings.

Now, I have to lose 50 pounds! I defiantly desire to lose 50 pounds. I guess the bigger question is what is within the 50 pounds that is really important I lose? One of the answers is pretty obvious, FAT being the most obvious. What are some of the things within the 50 pounds that are less obvious and possibly more important?

Pride comes first to my mind. Pride that I somehow think myself not good enough, to take even reasonable care of myself especially in respect to how I perceive myself caring for others. This is certainly a way of digging myself deeper into isolation. I can think of several people I’ve avoided seeing over the past few months.

Fear also comes to my mind. Fear that I am not worth loving, so it is possible to drive off those suborn people that haven’t left me yet. Fear that I can’t lose the weight. I’ve never been faced with losing 50 pounds, and to me it seems like a huge feat; especially, considering that within the past two years I’ve tried losing less weight and it continued to cling to me, and to multiply in a freakish fast and harsh way. What if the weight has a fear of letting go of me? Is that possible?

Forgiveness comes to my mind, in an overwhelming way. How can forgiveness have anything to do with the sugar I eat? In my heart, as the tears swell in my eyes forgiveness is what the pride and the fear are trying to hide and isolate me from. Forgiveness is what will release and free me from not just the 50 pounds, but from the much heavier emotions that the fat is covering up.

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