It was only 10 years ago, when I began to realize that my “story” was starting to crash in on me. I am so thankful for the angels in my life, which walked with me and helped me gain a glimpse of my current reality and the possibility of a new life, a new heart. I am even more thankful for the times in which I was left in the darkness of my own hell where I couldn’t perceive angels or God with me.
It was in these times that I recognized my need for change. I only knew the life I was living. I was blinded to the fact I was hurting myself, and others around me. I didn’t know love. I didn’t know the hell I was in. I was numb, I was asleep, I probably still am.
Through this healing journey, I have been guided to paths where I have to face demons. None of these demons, could I conquer on my own. Nevertheless, I am guided to face them only when I have been sufficiently prepared to battle them; and allow Heavenly Father to defeat them. I feel drawn to a path, which I have avoided for some time. I have used several excuses which you will read tomorrow to avoid taking this path. The next two entries are the beginning of a battle that I know I cannot conquer on my own, I am powerless to overcome. I know I will need huge amounts of love from Christ to even sustain me, through facing my demon.
For anyone reading my blog, you will know that I look at my co-dependency as a form of addiction. I take a look at addiction in a way that works for me personally. My addiction is like the dreaded “pyramid scheme.” We’ve all been approached by someone selling the idea of the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, they say, “we’ll all be rich….” They recruit us, and then sit at the top of the pyramid and reap the benefits of our hard work. For me, co-dependency sits at the top of the pyramid and reaps the good fortune of all the sub-addictions working hard below it. One of my sub-addiction is “sugar,” it enslaves me, and thus it feeds great benefits to the co-dependency addiction at the top of the pyramid. Actually, this is the only pyramid scheme that I’ve ever seen work, and reap great benefits. The problem is although co-dependency is reaping a great benefit, I reap more pain and become enslaved deeper in the cycle of addiction.
As I stand here staring into the eyes of the “sugar” beast that has haunted me emotionally, long before the physical evidence was apparent. I don’t even know what the Lord is asking me to do. I don’t know if I’m standing here paralyzed in fear, or if I’m supposed to silently stand here to take in the fierceness of the beast.