I know it has been a few days since I've written. I've needed some time to process some things that have happened personally, or maybe I've been hiding from myself. I'm still not sure what to feel about some things, but maybe talking them out with myself, and of course you will help.
As I have talked about recently I have allowed other people to take over my life. I can't avoid the cliche the straw broke the camel’s back. I became very polarized in my thinking at that point. Sadly, I have to admit that I, honestly, thought the ARP wasn't what I should be working on. I lied and said that working my program doesn't work for me. Inside I believed that this program worked for me. I knew that all this work has brought me closer to the Lord, and opened my eyes to a light of warmth and love. I just couldn't see how I could have moved to this beautiful place, and without my family. Suddenly, I was more alone in the world than ever before. I realized that I couldn't let go of this life of hell if it meant leaving my family behind.
To make things worse, during a collusion I went to war. This war was flamed by the polarized way I was thinking. Yes, this person was begging for me to treat them this way, but that doesn't justify my behavior. Yes, everything I said was true still it doesn't justify my behavior. I could have found a way a long time ago to take back the life I was allowing to be taken from me, and maybe this collusion wouldn't have ever happened.
The point is I haven't taken responsibility for my behavior for a long time. If I don't take my personal responsibility for not working my program like I know works, than I have no room to complain. Actually, if I work my program, than I likely wouldn't have the desire to complain. Maybe I would even be incline to help.