I have to admit that I avoid doing things that cause me pain! I also have to tell you that I avoid myself, because of afraid of the pain I might find! These are two huge realizations for me. I want to try to explain without excuses what I'm talking about.
As you are well aware, I have headaches. Really! I am becoming tuned into the needs of these headaches without trying to coddle them or allow them to serve me with fear or excuse anymore. I avoid working, playing, enjoying my life in an attempt to avoid making my head hurt. For example, picking up something heavy to move it will make my headache “explode” so I appear lazy. I avoid running, playing, and things that result in enjoyment to avoid my headaches from “exploding” Depression sets in, and the result is lack of desire to work, play or do anything resulting in enjoyment. Vicious, vicious cycle!
I also avoid myself, because of the pain I find here. As I have been keeping my headache journal that I have been in pain for many years. Have I avoided dealing with this pain, or have I been brutally punishing myself. Somehow, thinking I deserved all this pain. Looking back on my thinking error, it would make perfect sense that I would think this way.
What would my life be like without this pain? I wouldn't have an excuse, not to work, play, relax, love, LIVE... Who would I be? Inside running joke of mine..What kind of eggs do I like? I would be forced to find out, since nothing would be standing in my way. What then, what if I failed? What if I succeeded? What if I won my own personal lottery?
I know as I sit in the seldom times I have without a headache, searching for it. Are you kidding me? I search for my headache, I own it as if it is a part of who I am. A defining part no less.
It must be my time. My time to find my freedom. My time to turn the pain of my headaches and body pain over to Christ. Will He take my pain away? I don't know... Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
I know from my past weaknesses that the Lord doesn't take my weaknesses away from me, but he sustains me in my weaknesses. I'm scared, I mean really afraid of letting this pain go...It feels like if I were to just let go, and let God it would be simple. Maybe the simplest thing I've ever done.