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Thursday, October 6, 2011

Softness of Silence

As I sit here and wait for the impression about what I'm going to write. I can almost feel the softness of the silence as it rest on my shoulder. I can thankfully, still recall how painful silence used to be. The depths of extreme that I would go to to avoid the silence. Let's see, I would always have the radio, or television on even if it were just noise in the background. I would call people on the phone just to talk, and I believed it made me look like a good person too. (LOL) I still love being alone, but now it isn't to avoid others instead it is to get to know what is going on in my head better.

Now as I sit in silence I find that when my mind clears, the peace and serenity feel almost weightless, colorless, and there is a freedom in being clear. I find that when I'm stressed I love going for a drive. In fact, just yesterday I was finishing running errands, and realized there wasn't a project at home that couldn't wait for a short drive.

So let me ask, why do I think external validation is so important? Yesterday I got my hair cut. Not just a trim, but like 6 inches cut off the length. I am known for extreme hair. Funny uh? (Harley is getting that way too, I love it) As I'm seeing her behavior I question, am I taking her action of extreme hair as a way Harley to imagine her validating me? As I went in and out of different stores, or appointments I felt myself hoping people would comment on my hair. Of course, hoping that they would tell me how “cute” it is. It is MY hair. I made the decision to make such an extreme cut because it is what I think is best for my hair and its health. I didn't make the decision because of “cute,” so why is it so important for me to have others think good things about me?

I keep wanting to avoid these issues I'm having. It is interesting how they seemingly unconnected to each other, yet strung together with fishing line all these issues are right now. What do they have in common and differences? I believe that problems or issues appear more apparent when it is my time to heal from it. Now is the time, obviously. What isn't obvious is what am I ready to heal from? I have recently talked about, my headaches and chronic pain, and silence, and my need for external validation. In my opinion, these things are just tiny and don't necessarily threaten life. I have dealt with much deeper pains than this.

I want to proclaim that I don't even begin to understand what I'm being presented with in this healing opportunity. Although, I do wish to understand it really doesn't matter. I will go into this with an open and trusting heart. I know that I will be protected no matter what happens either emotionally, physically, or spiritually.

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