For Mother's Day I wrote my mom a handwritten letter. Once it was done I felt the sense to share it with you. Some of you know my mother, while others may not. Nonetheless, hopefully this letter will trigger some healing for you as well.
I know this won't reach you for Mother's Day, even though, I want you to know how much I love you.
Over this past year I feel I've grown to understand you better. I'm sure I will never understand the depth or the detail of your stuggles in life.
I now know that each of us comes into a family with character weaknesses that get passed down to our children and passed on to those we love. These character weaknesses set us apart from each other they are a special set of curcumstances the Lord has set aside to help us learn what is ours to learn on this journey.
We have a choice as to how we view and handle our character weaknesses. We can either view them as tools and know that as in Ether 12:27 as we humble ourselves and turn our hearts to our Savior knowing He paid the difference the Lord will make our weaknesses strong...OR...we simply become victums to our character weaknesses In that we create a hell of our own making. For so long in my life I have been in such a hell and I've blindly tried to pull you and all my family down with me. You always said, “Misery loves company.”
I now am beginnig to see a small glimps of what you've been teaching me. I am so thankful that you accepted the challenges in your life. I can only imagine that depth of your hardships as a child, young adult, mom, and now in the glory that you are.
I am so sorry for everytime both that I know and the times I don't that I added to your challenges and hardships.
I'm sorry for being stubborn and resisting to your role as my mom. I'm sorry for being mean, yelling, and bullying towards you. I'm sorry for being in-grateful, lieing, stealing, and especially for being secretive from you.
I'm sorry for creating a war-like contentious spirit in your home. I'm sorry for hiding and not being helpful when I knew you needed my help. I'm sorry for being entirely disrespectful towards you and not loving you the way you deserve to be loved.
There is so much regret, sorrow, and fear to appologize for. My memory is flooded with times, and things I want to appologize for. I wish I knew of the times when you hurt most so I could specifically applogize to you.
I'm especially sorry for all the years when I haven't been honest enough with myself to be able to be honest with you. I've tried so hard to put on the happy face and tried to be perfect when inside I'm falling apart and just wish my mom would put her arm around me and tell me, everything is going to be alright. In the next breath getting mad when it doesn't happen. How could it, when you didn't even know that's what I thought I needed????
For Mother's Day 2011, I want to offer you this appology...AND...make you this promise.
Knowing I'm me. I have character weaknesses that sneak up and take over from time to time. With that being said...
I promise to tell you honestly the things you should know about me, instead of hiding behind the fear of being imperfect.
I promise to be present and real to you so you can make decisions based on truth not assumptions.
I promise I don't know what's best for you and I will stop trying to tell you what to do. Rather, I will be a strong sounding board to help you figure out for yourself what's best, and to support you in your decision.
I promise to be a safe place for you in whatever capacity I can be.
I promise that I love you and will love you the best I can and hopefully it will be what you deserve.
Happy Mother's Day!