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Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Lifting Me Up

I feel so down and depressed today. My life is slipping away from me, and I don’t know if I will ever get it back. Somewhere inside I know that life will never be like I knew it. I’m okay with that. I dedicate my life to change. I just didn’t know how much control I desire over that change.
I want to be able to think straight, and remember. Oh how I want to remember. I want to remember the simple things, like where I’ve been even in the past several days. I want to feel the desire to do things. I hate that I feel stuck within myself. Somewhere inside I want; I desperately want to live. Somewhere inside I guess much closer to the surface I have no desire to live. I know there are things to do, laundry, dishes, vacuuming, making beds, having fun with my children, and especially having fun with my husband.
I realized today that all of my friends have drifted away. I can’t participate in my side of the friendship. How do I foster a friendship when I am so tired, so tired, the pain, the headaches. It is so vicious.
My life feels like I’m trapped in a machine that controls me, it ignores my pleas for just a moment of relief. When the relief comes, I’m dizzy with concerns of what I’ve missed, the guilt of everyone having to do all the things I’m supposed. How do I catch up? How do I live in the present when I missed so much of the past? Then there is still the pain, and the liminting movement.
I feel so limited. My mind feels spacy. My chest is tight with anxiety as I sit here in an honest search of my feelings I actually feel more depressed. I am certainly powerless; I am powerless to overcome the physical position that I’m in. The physical position that I’m in creates several other positions …To start with our tragic direr financial position—which has endless effects on my children and family. I’m not going to go into the depth of these effects here.
Right now, I’m having a hard time finding my faith, in Christ’s plan for me. Yes, I am powerless, my hope is failing, and my life is unmanageable.
Life in recovery is hard…It’s that simple. Through my experiences in life I know I have been prepared for this time. It is only a moment in learning. I renew my covenant to Christ that I will believe Him, and faith that He will sustain me and that He has the power to renew me to complete health, whatever that maybe. I trust that I will be alright somehow, somewhere.
You are likely asking what happened, the beginning of this writing was so dire, to the end of this writing is so sustained in Christ. I want you to know that for me, not all days in recovery are strong and filled with light. For me lately, most days are not strong and filled with light. I have to lean on what I’ve learned in recovery every moment of every day. The depths of despair are never far away. I am powerless to change my circumstances, I have to know that my Christ is looking upon me, and lifting me up in the times and days I cannot lift myself up. 
I can testify to you, that miracles happen, they happen for me all the time. Extra money comes at just the right moment to get through to the next moment. My headache subsides and I have relief, even for just a moment. I don’t know if there is a way out, but I do know that with Christ there is a way through.

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