Top 8 Things To A Better Life

1. Faith in Christ and His Atoning Sacrifice-With everything I do and everything I am it is a moment to moment journey to have Faith and allow Christ to guide my path back home.
   
   
2. Live Your Truth-It is so easy to be sucked into the worldly life. All I have to do is, watch T.V., read a magazine, envy the latest fashions everyone around me is wearing. To live with personal integrity can seem difficult. To even figure out what my personal integrity is even more difficult. I took some time in the past couple months and really searched from the basics to the depth of who I am and how I want to reflect Christ-like love in my life.
   
   
3. Family- Through my healing I have been blessed with a loving and patient family to love and help me. I very special love has blossomed and bloomed in my heart towards my family. A gift of letting go, comes the gift of a new love. I have always loved my family, but in my weaknesses. I am being made strong with the gift of a new love.
   
   
4. Just Say No- In the idea of letting go. I am learning that saying no, can be one of the kindest and most loving word in the English language. I challenge you to find out what that means for you. I am still learning what a blessing this can be for the people I love and for myself....
   
   
5. Friendship- For me it has been a critical part of my healing to develop close and bonded friendships with people that might eventually hurt me. My list of friends is still rather small, but that's ok. I'm still learning how to nourish these friendships in a loving and appropriate way.
   
   
6. Simplicity- Money and spending money doesn't buy happiness. Time, buys more happiness than anything else in this life. Reflecting on the memories made in times of joy and sorrow is what brings us closer to our loved ones and to our Heavenly Father's plan. One of the most simplest things I love is sitting at the kitchen table first thing in the morning and watching out the window. It almost seems like I could see the leaves on the tress change to their beautiful fall colors. As the geese flew south for the winter in their instinctive V, is most precious.
   
   
7. Creativity- I recently discovered that I am creative. Wow, who would have known. I have always “copied” everyone else's creativity. As I was in the mist of just such a thing, I was lead another direction and when I was finished I couldn't recognize the original thing I set out to copy. I created all on my own...I loved it. Creativity will become part of living my truth.
   
   
8. Have Vision- I created a “vision board” several years ago, just because I heard it worked miracles...LOL I didn't have to much heart in it, but still. And step by step everything came to be. I sat looking at my vision board and realized that everything on my board had come to be realized. I decided to create a new vision board. It took weeks to search for the items on wanted on my board. Most all of the items weren't tangible like they had been on my previous board. It was hard for others to understand my board, to me it was perfectly clear. As I have developed more and more vision on my board I have in my life as well. I challenge you to find your vision as well.

Gifts of Christmas

I have had the most amazing Christmas season ever. Nothing is really any different. We are still financially strapped to give the gifts that are on the kids wish list. We still are just us, feeling basically separated from family. So what is so different that has made this Christmas season so amazing?

I can only hope that my heart has turned more toward Christ, and His eternal love. I have loved spending time with my family. I have loved reliving the memories through scrapbooking them as they happen. We haven't done anything extraordinary, unless you consider sitting around the table playing card games, eating popcorn, and watch a Christmas movie in the background. Ok, Ok, I guess that is extraordinary...

I am so thankful that Christ came to this earth for me and for you. He came to rescue me from my own Hell. Christ sacrificed His physical life, that I may live for eternity in His light and love.

As I wish you all a Merry Christmas, I pray that you find Christ and His love for you in this extraordinary season. 

How Many Imperfections Do I Have?

“Is it possible to develop discipleship when one has no initial, inner desires for discipleship? I don't know. Can we plant inner "desires" in someone against their will? External exhortation of such individuals won't usually produce much change. For most of us, however, even when the inner desire is there, it requires periodic sharpening of some outward circumstances to quicken any existing inner desires and to get us to act upon these. It was so with Abraham. Abraham desired a better life, more happiness, and the blessings of the holy priesthood (see Abraham 1:1-2). Outward circumstances were a spur to Abraham's yearnings, but clearly he had firm and basic desires of discipleship.

It's different in the case of prodigals, in the sense that turning away from the world and toward God, toward home, requires of them to make what I call the Great Pivot. This Great Pivot begins slowly and tentatively when the mind perceives what is in comparison with what might be. This represents the first tentative steps in the process of beginning to develop "the mind of Christ" (1 Corinthians 2:16).

…So, the lingering question should not be "How many imperfections do I have?" but, rather, "Is my discipleship sufficiently serious that I am working patiently and steadily to overcome those weaknesses, perhaps even changing some of them into strengths?" (See Ether 12:27.)”

Elder Neal A. Maxwell, Brigham Young University on 27 March 1994.

Are You Running Too Fast?

Sitting in the half-dark room, I confided to my Father In Heaven that I felt like a failure. I couldn't measure up to the expectations that life had for me.

• I had two young children, and I grandson. I found myself racing through the day trying to meet their needs.
  
  
• Our particular family's needs required that I cut coupons, and research ways to save money.
  
  
• I struggled with physical challenges and found myself facing depression, body aches, and of course headaches.
  
  
• I longed to serve and lift others who needed support.
  
  
• I needed time away from my burdens to participate in activities that lifted my spirits; however, I was finding it difficult to manage the time requirements of preparing for these activities.
  
  
• My mother and grandmother always made homemade bread. They bottled fruit, quilted, and sewed their children's clothing. I felt uncomfortable that I couldn't squeeze these activities into my days.
  
  
• I carried church service responsibilities and wanted to do as well as I could with these positions as I love to serve the Lord.

My list went on and on, and as I talked, tears streamed down my face. My chest felt heavy, and I supposed I would never measure up.

Once I had finished, my Heavenly Father quietly said, "Tisha, don't try to run faster than you are able."

It was classic Dad-wisdom gleaned from years of studying Scripture. When he has some advice for me, it was usually well said and directly on target, if I listen. I knew he was right. I was trying to run faster than I was able.

I have since heard it said that you can do many things in this life, but you can't do them all at once. Every life stage has its own requirements, and it's up to us to decide what's most important for us to do at any given moment. While we are deciding what we can or can't do, we need to be careful that we balance the following needs:

• Spiritual
• Physical
• Social
• Emotional

When I look back on that time, I can see that the pressure I experienced was self-imposed, largely because I believed I was being judged by other people. I thought that if I didn't scurry about, filling every waking moment with superb activities, I was failing my Heavenly Father. I knew that He had given me great gifts and believed that He wished me to use them, but I failed to understand that He didn't expect me to use them all at one time.

It has only been a couple years since my Heavenly Father told me to only run as fast as I am able. I periodically forget His advice, and when I do, I find myself frantic and downhearted. But the words come back to me, and I say again, "Thanks, Dear Father. You're right. I'll only run as fast as I am able."

I have discovered through the years that even though it might appear at any given moment that I am not accomplishing very much, in hindsight I have accomplished a lot. I've been able to go school, work with my horses, stretch my creativity through preserving my family history, work in exciting positions for large companies, run my own business, and yes, even make homemade bread once in a while.

But I did not do it all at once. I've been married for almost 16 years, and all of these activities – and more – have been dribbled throughout the years of my life in a measured way. It is only upon reflection that I can see how much I have been able to complete despite the periods of time when all I could manage was a slow crawl.

If you happen to be someone who feels torn by life and the things you feel you must do, I would advise you to take a breath and try to understand that as long as you are doing the best you can in any given moment, it is enough.

Until tomorrow, I will do the best I can today.

You Caught Me...

Yep, I know that I haven't posted this week. I've been down with a headache again. I am finally feeling like I am among the living again. Thank you to everyone, who recognized that I haven't posted and checked in on me....I love you for your thoughtfulness. 


I am planning on spending the weekend writing some post, so that when I become unavailable again,  I will have them ready for you...


Have a great weekend and I will look forward to seeing you here on Monday. May Angels Walk With You. 

Merry Christmas

I would like to take a moment to wish each of you a very merry Christmas season. I know that I don't know many of you, and definitely don't know your trials and hardships. My prayers are always with you. I'm so thankful that I have this opportunity to share my story with you, and I hope you are uplifted in some way. May Angles Walk With You...

The Best Day

What More Can I Say????

Creativity...

Creativity...what is it? As you are likely well aware of, I LOVE to scrapbook. I especially love looking at other people's beautiful works of art in their scrapbook pages. Although, I've always loved to scrapbook and preserve memories there is something missing in my creativity. Sure there is a creative evolution in my scrapbook pages from plain simple paper pages to now creating digital pages. Evolution isn't what's missing in my scrapbooking. Somewhat, evolution is part of the problem, fear. Fear is the driving factor of what is missing in my scrapbooking process.

I have been holding back because of my fear. In the past I've created amazing scrapbook pages, they are completely copied from someone else's pages, or they are templates. I've been afraid to express my creativity to the point I didn't even know what it was. How crazy does this sound?

Recently, I've opened up and found a new creative side. I think that writing this blog has had a lot to do with that. This blog is similar to a food journal...I hold myself accountable here. I have to be honest. No I don't write or at least publish everything I think. I believe somethings are still personal.

I downloaded some new templates a few days ago. I started working on a template, and suddenly saw a creation much different from the template. There were some things I still liked about the template, but ideas started to just flow. When the page was finished the original template was unrecognizable. I was and still am so excited! Somehow, by some miracle I have been set free. The fear to express myself is gone, and a whole new me has blossomed. Sure I will still lean on other people's ideas. There is no sense or need to recreate the wheel. But I will freely allow what inspires me to show it's self through not just my scrapbook pages, but also through how I live my life. What inspires you?

This is MY Scrapbook page...I hope you love it as much as I do.

December Stree

I know that December can be hyper stressful, at least it can be for me. I've been thinking...How can I lower my holiday stress level?

Over the past few weeks, I've been working on getting a new furnace. Since I live in a rural area, services life furnace’s can be very hectic and time consuming. Keeping my family warm in the winter here is highly important to me. I felt a push from within to get the new furnace installed. Instead, I choose to step back, and allow the flow of this process. I'm so excited that I did, because....

Everything is working out perfectly. Hoot Hoot, I'm so thankful that I can finally flow with the flow of life. I aint sayin' that I don't want what I want and want it now. Yep, that was meant to be confusing, because when I'm in that place it is confusing.

I am learning that it is great to want, it helps give me direction and of course forward motion. Within that want, freedom is found in giving into the natural flow. Things tend to blossom beyond my wants within this freedom.

I also want to comment on how wonderful people are. When I'm willing to follow the flow, people respond more willingly, kindly, and fast. I'm not saying that it's alright to pretend to go with the flow with a motive to get people to respond the way I want. It isn't...Sincerity is key.

Clean Out Your Closet...

This was just to beautiful to not share.  I'm sure like many of you, I think there is nothing better than spending the day listening to my favorite music and cleaning out my closet. 

Dorothy Hulst has written,

As the physically weak woman can make herself strong by careful and patient training, so the woman of weak thoughts can make them strong by exercising herself in right thinking.

To put away [weak and negative thoughts] and to begin to think with purpose, is to enter the ranks of those strong ones who only recognize failure as one of the pathways to attainment; and make all conditions serve them, and who think strongly, attempt fearlessly, and accomplish masterfully. [Dorothy Hulst, As a Woman Thinketh, a transcription for women of James Allen's essay As a Man Thinketh (Marina Del Rey, California: DeVorss and Company), p. 41]

It is possible to live with all your power in the present. You can replace old doubts with new hopes. So clean out that closet in your mind and haul a load of needless negative baggage off to D.I.

The Holy Present...

What is the holy present and why is it so hard to stay in it??? Elder Neal A. Maxwell in a devotional talk January 1999, taught the jumping to conclusions takes us away from living in the holy present.

I'm at fault of jumping to conclusions frequently. As a matter of fact, I'm in the middle of doing it right now. There has been a simple lack of communication between me and my brother. I was hoping for a much different result in a situation than I got. Immediately, I jumped to negative conclusions and of course a personal pity party. There is a list of “he should haves...” and I better than box way of being in that I began this, by calling him first. There is also a victim stance in that he should realize I've been sick and taken extra effort because of it.

I can't live in the present little lone the holy present, when I'm living in my own personal Hell. How could I have stayed in the holy present through this situation? I know that my brother has some life challenges. Wouldn't it have been more constructive if I would have considered my brother's life challenges, before jumping to conclusions?

I have wasted unnumbered amounts of time over this. I also wasted someone else's time by expressing how my feelings were hurt over this and of course pouring out the blame. Peace can only be found in the holy present. Even though my brother doesn't know that I've jumped to these conclusions, I still owe him and open and honest apology. I sincerely, love my brother, and know that he is doing everything in his power to support our relationship while juggling his trials and struggles in his own life. 

Naturally and Freely...

Yesterday was my birthday...The birthday wishes started pouring in around 4:00 a.m. and continued in a steady stream until late last night. I enjoyed the most marvelous day with my dearest friend. I felt so surrounded by love, that I was lifted up from all the cares in the world.

I could have never dreamed this gift at any point in my life. As I have struggled feeling that I have to ALWAYS be proving myself to everyone, and earning everyone's love this day has come as an overwhelming and uplifting surprising gift. I can be acknowledged for who I am, my accomplishments, and my artistic style. I can simply be loved.

I know I have bad days, where I can be devastatingly hard on myself and others. I have a sweet feeling that this feeling of being loved and accepted will sustain me and make these times less inpactful and therefore more profound in there own right to my life.

I also feel my heart opening and blossoming life a rose toward everyone in my life. Naturally, and freely. 

No Trouble Today

Simply put, I know there are no new thoughts in the world. As I live, words and thoughts touch my life profoundly. So today I'm not writing anything personally. I am borrowing today's thought from the book, One Day At A Time. I can only hope that it can impact you as profoundly as it impacts me.

Just for today I will not be afraid of anything.  If my mind is clouded with nameless dreads, I will track them down and expose their unreality.  I will remind myself that God is in charge of me and mine and that I have only to accept His protection and guidance.  What happened yesterday need not trouble me today.

This is a brand new shining day and I have it in my power to make it a good one just by the way I think about it and what I do with it.

If I live just this one day at a time, I will not so readily entertain fears of what might happen tomorrow.  If I am concentrating on today’s activities, there will be no room in my mind for fretting and worrying.  I will fill every minute of this day with something good-seen, heard, accomplished.  Then, when the day is ended, I can look back on it with satisfaction and serenity.

“I recall the words of an old ditty that said: ‘Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you.’”

What Inspires Me...

A big milestone in my life is coming up this week; my 41^st birthday. I realize that it is only now that I am beginning to live my passion. It truely is never to late, to live your passion. What is my passion, what is my gift to give? So I started looking around me for something - really anything - that might inspire me.

The cliché' (did I spell that right?) “Housewives, sit around all day in their robe, watching t.v., and eating Bon Bons.” I thought, "Huh, I'd like to be in my robe all day!” Well, maybe not all day, but this freedom certainly intrigued me. So I knew that whatever I ended up doing, I definitely wanted lots of flexibility and freedom.

I admire my friend who is a volunteer EMT in our community. She seems to be on call 24/7...Even though she works hard all day at her job, is a mom, and a wife she still finds time to serve her community. Her generosity and integrity really move me, and add a desire to touch people in some way was ignited.

Another dear friend has such a strong work ethic, and the deepest empathy toward the people she works with. Anyone can clearly see her passion and sincerity towards people. Seeing her joy and passion really made me re-prioritize and put more emphasis on happiness and balance in my life.

My mom had to go through a year of physical therapy after two knee replacements, and her determination and fearlessness was incredibly inspiring. Her desire and motivation to better herself was incredible to see and made me feel like I could do anything I set my mind to.

I am most profoundly inspired by my husband...He is always calm in a crisis. He adjust with the sudden changes in life, especially when they are starkly out of his control. (which most things in life are) I am inspired to trust the flow of life, because of this amazing hubby of mine.

Inspiration is all around me - but I still had not discovered my passion or purpose. I decided to take some time to reflect. I started to dance when the mood strikes, take more pictures (lots more pictures), scrapbook; because I love to preserve memories and I love to create art. Scrapbooking is a perfect passionate combination of two things I love to do.

As for the people in my life who inspired me to follow my heart, my heart is full of love and gratitude for you and your courage to follow your passion.

In the end, I've realized that for me, my purpose in life is not so much about finding that one thing I am meant to do, but rather a constant unfolding journey of growing, appreciating, loving, learning, creating new things... and most importantly, experiencing tons of joy!

As I finish this, I realize that a whole day has gone by, and yes, I’m still in my robe. I should probably change... nah!

Snowflakes

What a marvelous Thanksgiving this has been for me. I've had the blessed chance to read everyone's post on FaceBook all month about the things they are thankful for. I took the opportunity to examine all the things I am thankful for. Sure I could list things like family, friends, warmth, and go on and on in this manner. Instead, I found my focus of gratitude going toward the details in my life. I am so blessed and thankful for the way the breeze sounds as it ruffles the leaves on the quaky trees out in the yard. As I watch the beauty in the uniqueness of each snowflake I can't help but know that I have a blessing as delicate and unique as each of those snowflakes to be thankful for. 

Dare to Dream a Bigger Dream

Daydreams can be deceptive.

When we are in a place of imagination, we see ourselves receiving the best gifts, having the finest things, achieving the highest goals within our capabilities. However, these dreams have edges. When we are imagining where we might be or what we might become, we typically see ourselves achieving only that which our inner eye accepts as possible. The scope of acceptability is built upon the foundation of our experiences. Life has carefully schooled us in what we might become - or so we think.

It is only when we become willing to step beyond the edges of our dreams that we find that God has something more for us. His dream for us has no bounds or limits and, in fact, He is anxious to bring us to a place where we will find that we were given special gifts that He would have us to use.

When we step beyond the edges of our own daydreams, we often find that we were not in the correct dream at all. We may discover that we had been dreaming the dream that someone else had placed in us. We may discover that we chose the wrong dream based on an incorrect understanding of our abilities. We may even discover that we had somehow allowed ourselves to dream a dream that didn't require us to face truths about ourselves.

When I was a tiny girl, I had dreams. But my dreams were small. I couldn't know that I would move out of my small town, work with computers, and interact with people who live around the world. The ability to do these things did not exist when I was a child. It was, therefore, impossible for me to dream the dream I am living.

But God knew what was coming, and He carefully prepared me throughout my life to take up the challenge. He filled me with a strange love of business (and this is a fearful thing for a girl who was raised in the 70s). He took me from one profession to another, where I gained the experience required to manage the challenges I now have. He even provided me with a husband who supports me in every way he can, so that I can do my work, which is unique for someone raised during my generation.

I found myself living as I am when I told God that I was tired of trying to figure out my life myself. I told Him that I was willing to do whatever He wanted me to do. I opened my mind to His answers and then accepted them by immediately acting on thoughts or impressions of what I should do.

These moments of guidance appeared at the most inconvenient times (such as when I was climbing into bed), and often only after I exhausted every known source that I could find on my own. But, when I followed them, I found that His visions for me opened up wider before my eyes. Over time, I learned that it is only when I fall back on my own resources that the edges of the dreams appear, and I begin to feel like I am pushing against a wall. When I fall back on my own resources, I forget to dream at all.

So, dare to dream. Dare to dream a bigger dream than you have for yourself. Dare to see the limitless dream that God has waiting for you.

If Only...

If Only...Control+Z worked in real life.

• Undo that comment I made during the fight I had with my husband.
• Undo that lazy day where I procrastinated too much.
• Undo that moment when I lost control of my anger with my daughter.
• Undo that horrible two-month depression.

But if Control+A worked, would I really be the woman I am today?

Maybe I need Control+G to "clip and change" to the circumstance.

• Learn to think before speaking.
• Discover the joy of getting things done, then being lazy.
• Offer apologies and receive forgiveness from my daughter over my anger.
• Know that God made me perfectly, and that includes my emotions, and He has great plans for me.

If only shortcuts would work in life...

What Kind Of Eggs Do You Like?

As I begin to reflect on the 2011 year, and my progress and growth this year I have a lot to be thankful for. I know that we have talked about this before, but I would like to address it again. One of the biggest attributes of Co-dependency is the last of ones self. I've given so much of myself over my life time that I don't really have a self to reflect on.

One of my favorite movies is...Run Away Bride, not because it starts Julia Roberts and Richard Gear although that doesn't hurt...Anyway, it is because Richard Gear's character asks her “What are your favorite kind of eggs? Julia Roberts character seems to like the same eggs as the fellow that she is in a relationship with. This question begs the character to find her self so that she can stop running...It begs the same soul searching question of me. I have taken this past month and gone a very soul searching journey to find out what kind of eggs I like...seemingly coincidentally I actually don't like eggs. I'm super glad that this is a philosophical question.

I created this scrapbook page in honor of some of the “eggs” I like. This is a very personal journey so this page only reflects some of the deeper “eggs” in my life.

Now I ask you, “What kind of eggs do you like?”

Simply

Change is so hard for me. I believe that every penny saved is a penny earned, so I have started to “clip coupons.” The week I've saved about $90.00 in coupons and ads. Now it isn't extreme couponing, but $90.00 is big money to me and my family.

I committed to a simpler life, and when I did I had no idea what lessons are learned in change and simplicity. I am learning that living simple, is hard work. It takes dedication, and self-motivation to do the leg work that others aren't willing to do, (as of not to long ago neither was I).

I'm learning that it isn't possible to “do it all,” nor is it desirable. I love seeing the beauty in other people's creativity. I have learned a lot from watching other people create and do the things I used to think I needed to do myself. I have learned how narrow minded I am in the way I see things and do things. That narrow mindedness, is rather funny. I have known for a while that I've missed out on a lot in my life, but until recently I just haven't realized just how much.

I sure am blessed to be given this second change at making a new life. I love that I can sit back and simply watch the flowers grow, as I clip the coupons of my new and simple life. 

Thank you to everyone for everything you do to help and teach me....I simply love you.

Your Color

Color - our world is so full of color everywhere we look. There are so many shades of one color that you may get lost in your search for one particular color or another. It’s amazing to me to look out at a beautiful fall day and see all the colors of the leaves and how they change even throughout the season of fall. As I sat at my table looking at a very bright green Tupperware® cup with a matching lid and straw, I was overcome with my appreciation of color.

The world didn't have to be in color. God could have given us a world with just shades of gray and black. We would never have known the difference, but He chose the vibrant and soft colors to display His creation.

Our God designed it this way, and He chose to give us color as a gift. He chose the spectrum and made it something for us to enjoy. We could have been born color blind as I know some people are. But apart from the medical condition, color blindness has two meanings to me.

The first meaning of color blindness is that we don't see the difference in skin or nationality in the people of this earth. We just view them all as God's creation and a beautiful array of culture and diversity. This is the only kind of color blindness that I choose to have - to accept others as God made them.

Secondly, the worse kind of color blindness is when we miss the beauty of the people around us. I have two daughters who are like night and day. The oldest, I would say, is soft pink, and the younger is bright red. The soft pink is sweet and gentle and often needs loving affirmation in her creativity. She is a tender rosebud with much beauty to unfold, but I sometimes miss this because of the bright, flaming red of my younger daughter. Granted, she can be tender, too, but she is more fire and ice than the tender rosebud. The younger one is straightforward and loud whereas her older sister is more meek and quiet.

I have realized that I could let myself be color blind and miss the array of colors that people everywhere have to offer. Some may be gold or rust-colored because of the richness of their lives and the things they have been through in life. Others may be hot pink or orange because they possess a fire and zest for life that keeps others inspired around them. Then there are those blues and greens that are calm, cool, and collected throughout life, no matter the circumstances.

Yes, there are blends of color, too, and some may be a mixture of more than one shade of color, but their most noticeable color stands out among the others. I am still learning how to let my color shine because I often get intimidated by all those bright and shining colors out there. I have my bright shades, but I am a softer color like my oldest daughter, and we have to work a little harder to get our color out there.

Each one has their own unique color to offer the world. We have a spectrum of color, even in people. You are the only one who can display your shade of color, so go out and spread your color on the canvas of the world, and let the ones around you know how much they mean to you by letting them spread their color next to yours.

Learning how to spread my color,
May Angels Walk With You--

My Family

I just want to take a moment and tell you how thankful I am for my family. 

Here are the pictures I just created to hang in the wall. I've always disliked the boring "school pictures" so this year I decided to make my own, for my picture wall. One of my motto's is, if I am going to complain about something, I have to find a way to change it. If I can't change it, I get to stop complaining. 

Enough chatter, this is my wonderful family. I am so thankful to be apart of something so much bigger than myself. It is a great feeling to have all these awesome people around me all the time.

I love you guys!

Honor

Today, I want all of us to pause and honor with our love and gratitude those who serve in the armed forces. I find it challenging even to imagine what silent Hell, the soldiers and their loved ones here at home go through on a daily basis.

We have all seen pictures of soldiers fighting for our liberties, and pictures of joyous homecomings. It has been said that I picture is worth a 1,000 words. How many words are not spoken as the tears stream down cheeks in the middle of the night, over pain we civilians will never understand.

Gratitude fills my heart for the freedoms I enjoy, because of the men and women in the armed forces, and their loved ones left behind. I have the freedoms to worship my Jesus in the manner that uplifts me. I know that I have spent many years taking that for granted. Not anymore. I have found that I can and will strive everyday to turn my life toward my Jesus, and His personal sacrifice for me. 

Acceptance

As the holiday season is fast approaching, it leaves me really fighting the depression that has enveloped my life. Some of you know that I have two older daughters and we are sadly estranged. Through the years, I have come to accept that this is what is. I can love my daughters, in spite of the challenges. I can accept that there is a good likelihood that we will never have the mommy/daughter bond that every mom and daughter dream of.

There was a time when I never talked about my daughters or the situation, even to people I was in close relationships with. Now I can freely talk about my lose and about the pain and heartache that it causes me even all these years later.

As I come into the holiday season. I am going to have a heart of gratitude that I am in a place of acceptance and allow love to flow through my life and to my daughters.

I curled up on the couch the other night and took a stroll down memory lane as I went through my daughters scrapbooks. The sense of guilt crept in, maybe it always will. Truth is I am responsible for what I've contributed to the heartaches of myself and my daughters. As I leafed through the pages, I smiled, and wept at the precious memories that these pages hold. I am so thankful that I have these books to keep these memories alive for me. I sense that it would be a special gesture to give these scrapbooks to the girls, since I know that don't read my blog. My plan is to send it to them for Christmas. Hopefully, it will touch their hearts with my love...

Letting Go---Letting God

It is so easy to slip away from what keeps me strong. It is so easy for me to just drift along. Today I also found out that it is so easy to help someone in need. A friend asked me for some advise, and I just freely talked about what kinds of things that have helped my life. It was good to hear my own advise. It reminded me that I need to be more committed to my recovery.

For this past year, I have been so off physically. The fatigue, headaches, and depression can be so overwhelming that I slip into this place of nothingness. To gather the motivation to take one more step forward can seem so far away, and unachievable. I know that usually it is easier to put on the “happy” mask, and go masquerading around as if nothing is wrong. It is all a lie, a lie to myself, and to all those around me.

I have a friend that posted on my Facebook the other day that she has a friend that lives just a block away and never sees her...I love this friend of mine so much. I feel even sadder that I can't give anything to our friendship especially after all she has done to take care of my daughter (especially when I can't).

If I'm being honest I have to tell you that things are really out of my control, especially my physical health. As you all know I grew up with my mother teaching me to live holisticly, and I have continued to live and learn various natural ways to live and to treat aliments. In the spirit of letting go and letting God, I am turning to the medical profession to seek out help for my physical aliments that I can't find relief from holisticly. So far, I've only been able to achieve minimal relief. I'm learning that it took many years for me to get this bad, it is going to take time to heal. My body has developed some poor habits that need to be reprogrammed. This morning I read this phrase, “If you have faith, then you must have faith in Gods time.”

Here I am fighting off the urge to slip into my place of nothingness, and take one more step forward in my healing journey spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically...Thanks for following my blog, it really makes me feel so supported. Please consider helping my blog site, by visiting my sponsor ads while you are here.  

Justifications...

One of my most favorite authors, C.S. Lewis wrote what I'm going to use as today's post. He describes so well, how I find myself justifying my behavior. 

“We begin to notice, besides our particular sinful acts, our sinfulness; begin to be alarmed not only about what we do, but about what we are.  This may sound rather difficult, so I will try to make it clear from my own case.  When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity; I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed.  And the excuse that immediately springs to my mind is that the provocation [against me] was so sudden and unexpected: I was caught off my guard; I had not time to collect myself.  Now that may be an extenuating circumstance as regards those particular acts; they would obviously be worse if they had been deliberate and premeditated.  On the other hand, surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is?  Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth?”

“If there are rats in the cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly.  But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding.  In the same way the suddenness of the provocation [against me] does not make me an ill-tempered man; it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am....And if (as I said before)what we are matters even more than what we do-if, indeed, what we do matters chiefly as evidence of what we are-then it follows that the change which I most need to undergo is a change that my own direct, voluntary efforts cannot bring about....I cannot, by direct, moral effort, give myself new motives.  After the first few steps in the Christian life we realize that everything which really needs to be done in our souls can be done only by God” C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity, 164-165).

Birthday

Today is Britney's birthday. I've been thinking about Birthday's, especially since I have one coming up. The thing is I don't feel as defeated as I did this time last year.


A dear friend of mine shared a special quote with me that I'm going to share with you today.


The Three Most Significant Days of You Life
1. The Day You Were Born
2. The Day you discover the gifts you were born to give
3. The Day you discover how to contribute the gifts you were born to give


I know that through my recovery I have been born again in many ways. My thought processes have been born again, my heart has been born again. How can I personally define the first element to this, the day I was born?


Also through my recovery I have discovered many gifts that were inside me my whole life. Some of them were gifts that the Lord has given me that ultimately contribute to my life, subsequently allow me to contribute these and other gifts to others. I feel sad that all these years went past without my sharing these gifts. I'm thankful that those I didn't help and serve, the Lord found other ways for them to be taken care of....

As birthday time rolls around for Britney and for myself. I personally am going to take full advantage of this opportunity to be grateful for new beginnings, new births, and for the gifts of life that we all share.

Forgiveness

“When it comes to a question of our forgiving other people, it is partly the same and partly different.  It is the same because; here also, forgiving does not mean excusing.  Many people seem to think it does.  They think that if you ask them to forgive someone who has cheated or bullied them you are trying to make out that there was really no cheating or no bullying.  But if that were so, there would be nothing to forgive.  They keep on replying, “But I tell you the man broke a most solemn promise.”  Exactly: that is precisely what you have to forgive. (This doesn’t mean that you must necessarily believe his next promise.  It does mean that you must make every effort to kill every taste of resentment in your own heart-every wish to humiliate or hurt him or to pay him out. )  The difference between this situation and the one in which you are asking God’s forgiveness is this.  In our own case we accept excuses too easily; in other people’s we do not accept them easily enough.”

C. Lewis, from “On Forgiveness”  (Weight of Glory).

Living Mt Truth (Step 2)

Forgiveness, Forgiveness, Forgiveness—There are so many aspects of forgiveness that have affected my life. I have been very angry with people, especially family members that have hurt me. I hold grudges, and retaliate without considering the consequences. As I have spent this past year working the 12-step program, I have come to learn that so many things aren't as I perceived them. Yep, I've been wronged by other people. I'm sure you have to. BUT...when I've been wronged, I have blown it out of perportion and claimed V-Victim. I have further created stories and lies about the wrong that have also turned others away or made them feel victimized as well, in order to build my case stronger.

I have spent a great deal of time on step 4-Inventory--- If I am taking an honest inventory of my life. I must seek the truth, and be willing to set my memories and beliefs aside.

Many of the people that wronged me, did it unintentionally, or in a self-preservation mode for themselves. I have learned and begun to understand the motivation of these people my heart has broken, and begun to soften and empathize for these people and the pain they are in. I also have to consider how often to I wrong others unintentionally, or in a self-preservation mode myself.

How does forgiveness play a role here? As I have come to this place of love and peace I can offer forgiveness in my heart towards those that have wronged me. More importantly, I must ask for forgiveness from them...Why? I have wronged them by blowing things out of perportion, and claiming such an extreme victim. For viliainizing them, for things I'm just as guilty for.

A separate aspect of forgiveness is the forgiveness of myself. We will look at that tomorrow. 

Living My Truth (Step 1)

Tell the Truth ALWAYS! The first and foremost thing that is critical to living my truth is to tell myself the truth. I've lied to myself for so many years, that my perceptions are difficult to distinguish.

I had myself believing that if I didn't agree with those around me, that they wouldn't love me and they would leave me. My truth is, no one could love me, not for real anyway since I never let them know who I really was. They were really loving a mirror of themselves. In spite of my efforts my relationships ended anyway.

I've got myself into such habits of being agreeable that I don't even know what I like, or who I am. Telling myself the truth, does a couple of things for me. First, it is giving me an identity, both inwardly and outwardly. Secondly, it is giving me the freedom of living fearlessly.

Once I know my truth, I can have real relationships with others. For example, something as simple as where I want to have a lunch meeting is grounds for an opportunity to allow someone to know that I love Mexican and Chinese food. At least, the American versions. This also leaves room for real human interactions and negotiations.

I have also found that when I tell myself and others the truth, my relationships grow and become surprisingly more secure.

The Truth Has Set Me Free!

Living My Truth (Day 1)

What does society consider makes a good person? We live in a world with a very vague definition of what makes a good person. Some say that if you are skilled at lying, stealing, treat others unjustly, lustful thoughts, or hatred towards others that you can appear as a good person. If others believe you are a good person that you must be...There are so many people in society, some positioned in power that want us to think they are good people. Even they know they are not good people.

In my neighborhood, and surely in your neighborhood there is someone who you and I likely think is a really good person. She is likely a Mom who's kids show up to the bus stop dawning the latest in fashion, carrying a home lunch in a crafty lunch sack. This person will spend her days serving lunch on the soup line, or in a woman's shelter being a friend to the battered women and children in town. In her spare time, this neighbor can be found blogging the latest inspirations as the sweet smell of homemade bread rises from her oven. Sunday morning, you will find her sitting on the front row in the chapel. Outwardly, her life seems flawless. Many of us look on these neighbors with envy, I know I do.

What really goes on in this neighbors life? Why does she put on this outward bravado? Is she living her truth? If I am living my truth would I be looking on her so envious?

I dare say that few of us live our truth in the outward world. Most of the time, we have struggles that we try to hide from friends, family, and co-workers. We always put our best face forward, saying “Sure, I would love to help...” when inside we are screaming for help ourselves. What would happen if we say “I'm sorry, not this time.”??? Our fear of rejection and ridicule would likely never let us find out.

How is living my truth outwardly possible? How do I build enough confidence to live my truth, in spite of the outside world? Over the course of the coming days, I'm going to discuss with you what works for me in living my truth.

Mom's Life Examples

Fall is one of my favorite times of year. I feel very reminiscent about my childhood. Maybe because I've been thinking about Dad so much lately. I was also thinking about my Mom. I don't want to wait until she passes on, to reminisce about her too. I already kinda feel cheated about my time with my Dad.

Some of the things I remember about my Mom, is that she was always home when I got home from school. My mom sewed a lot of our clothes. She even sewed the cutest little silky underwear with lace across the back. I had a pair in every color. My mom cooked dinner from scratch, EVERY night. My mom had a spot at the end of the kitchen table, where she did all her work, and even her bookkeeping. In fact, she still does. There is so many things about her that I wish I was more like. In spite, of everything my Mom made sure that we had great food to eat, and clothes to wear. I have to laugh, when I remember how we'd hear a honk, honk, honk as my Mom would pull in from the grocery store with a car load of groceries. We'd all run out to unload the car. Guess what, I have inadvertently carried this on to my family.

Out of every example my Mom lived I'm sure my family wished I made a home cooked dinner, EVERY night, or at least several times a week.... I go through phases where I cook quite a bit for my family, and then I run out of steam and stop. I often wonder how these great homemakers did it. Kept up the love, the momentum to cook, clean, do laundry, drive taxi, and not lose the energy to keep it up???? I'm sure we all can look into our lives and remember one of these great Mom's and the examples they lived for us.

What kind of an example do I live for my family? What kind of example would I like to live for my family? I am not going to answer these two questions here. I will say they are sadly two very different answers at this moment. Maybe instead of amusing I know the first answer I should ask my family, what examples I live...I don't really ever know what they are thinking.

Examples

There are several great people in my life. First, my Dad. Two years ago next Wednesday, my Dad passed on to the beautiful side of the veil. I've been considering what legacy has my Dad left to me, and what would he hope for me to teach my children.

My Dad, has a testimony of Christ, and it is far reaching even beyond the grave. My Dad didn't live his life here in the way society would have expected him too. I judged him harshly for that many times. Being torn between the exemplary life my Dad lead and the life society taught me was a struggle for me, and sometimes still is. I was wrong for judging him. He only wants to live his life according to his beliefs. Sure he would like me, and the rest of his family, to follow in that belief, wither I do or not doesn't give me the right to judge him for his life.

Over the past two years, my Dad has taken so many opportunities to be apart of my life and continues to teach me how he believes living a Christ-like life.

I also look at some of the other people in my life and the examples they live for me. There are some that are full of venom. Most of the time, I can stay out of it, although, sometimes I can be venomous too. Also, there are completely angelic people, that draw me in to them.

It is such a great blessing that there are so many different types of people in my life. I have also been blessed to be able to see these types of things in people with more vibrancy lately. I'm so thankful for this gift, because it is helping me develop the people that I truly am.

I'm sure like you to there are lots of different types that make up who you are. I guess it all depends on which parts we foster that grows stronger and becomes dominate in who we are.

As I spend time meditating on who I really am. What is my purpose in life? It is such a great blessing to have all these wonderful people around me and to be able to observe them. I like to consider everything about a person, and try to understand what is important to them. Thanks to everyone for their examples.

Just so you know, I love you Dad.