...A Year Later...

It has just been over a year since I've started the LDS addiction recovery program. It has taken this whole year for me to go through the program once. When I first began the program on August 11, 2010, I set a goals and made plans. I thought that I could go through a step a week. I knew that in a short 12 weeks I would be a changed person.

Here I sit a year later and completely and honestly come through the 12 steps for the first time. In all honesty, I go through that steps daily. I have begun to integrate these steps into my life. The 12 step program is leading me towards my Savior, my God.

I know that I am not alone in healing my heart and my soul. I know that I am no longer “broken” That doesn't mean I'm healed, or perfect, it just doesn't mean I'm broken.

Step 1 Honesty- I strive every moment to be honest with myself about how I feel and what I believe. I have begun to honestly speak up for what I need.

Step 2 Hope- I believe that I am begin restored to perfect spiritual health. I have a growing hope and faith that I am continually growing in Christ.

Step 3 Trust in God- I know that I have a lot of weaknesses. Most all the old thinking patterns still hover in secret corners of my heart, and I know that I will be sustained in working through these weaknesses.

Step 4 Truth- I can now see where my original inventory wasn't as truthful as it could have been. It was entirely focused on the negative and the hurt I've caused. I am a good person. I have many things to offer myself and others. Through working through this program and beginning to come to Christ, I can see where I can give who I really am to others.

Step 5 Confession- My sins may not be sever enough to need to confess them to my Bishop. They are sever enough to confess to Christ through repentance, to Jim, and to myself. When I make mistakes, or when I slip into old patterns I need to be honest with myself and work through it.

Step 6 Change of Heart- I have been blessed with a changing heart, and a willingness to change and be changed upon. I don't always go with the flow. I still fight against life, and God's will. My heart is always full of peace, love, and calm, I can't always feel it, but it's there. I just need to be humble enough to allow the changes in my heart that have taken place free flow.

Step 7 Humility- I am a very prideful person...It's that simple. I still try to micro manage life, and still try to impose my will on those around me. I have just become very thankful for forgiveness.

Step 8 Seeking Forgiveness- I make so many mistakes. I have begun to believe that making mistakes is just fine, even expected. It is all in the attitude of how I handle them. Yep, I still tend to beat myself up. I think I need to seek forgiveness more for how I react to my mistakes than the mistake it self...

Step 9 Restitution and Reconciliation- I will spend the rest of my life, paying restitution to those in my life that have been wronged.

Step 10 Daily Accountability- I am especially accountable to myself moment to moment. I hold a strong level of accountability to my God and my family. It is nice to be honest and accountable and still be human. I am weak and fallible, maybe that will help keep me humble.

Step 11 Personal Revelation- Angels don't come down and visit me. I don't hear strong voices guiding me to move mountains. BUT...I am beginning to trust in the promptings that come to my heart. I still don't always follow what I'm prompted to do. I can only wake up each morning, and give this day and all the wonderful people in my life everything I can.

Step 12 Service- I am thankful that I have the opportunity to start living my life, and lovingly give my heart to all those around me. I am thankful for the chance to write this blog, to share in service my “story.” I sincerely hope and pray that you will find some hope and something to uplift your life. I would love for you and everyone to find the peace and serenity that I am finding....

With all my love

May Angels Walk With You

My Fairy Tale Life

Something has been weighing heavy on my mind the past two days. A few days ago, it was raining and I sent a text to my hubby, that told him how much I love my new house and that I love that I have dry hay for the winter. He shared my text with some co-workers. The question came up, “was I joking?”

For the past two days, my heart has been overwhelmed with gratitude for my hubby, and the life he has provided for our family. As I have been overcome with a growing peace and love for him and my life. I started to wonder if I was just turning this into a fairy tale. What is real?

This morning I was reading something by Ro Paxman

Bumping Our Shins

People hurt each other without even trying.

We each are - in our own way - flailing about,

trying to make our way the best we can.

In the process of trying, we bump our shins

on the couch and on each other.

No harm intended in the clumsiness

but still...

it smarts to try and fail.

When we become wise enough to remember that we are all

trying to make our way the best we can,

it is easier to forgive and forget when we bump our shins

on the couch and on each other.

This was a nice little reality check for my fairy tale life. Then I realized that my fairy tale might be bumping shins with my hubby. I know that he has flaws, but I can't seem to find a one. I think that is because I'm not looking. No, I am not burying my head in the sand, like I have my whole life instead I choose to see the fairy tale. I'm choosing to live the fairy tale.

I can choose to list all the things that aren't perfect in my life, but instead I choose to list all the things in my life that do hold perfection. Yep, I'm going to bump my shins on the couch and other people, especially people that are the closest to me. My life sure is easier now that I am willing to not only bump my shins, but to also allow others to bump their shins.

Life is full of faith in others, forgiveness, and love. If that's not a fairy tale I don't know what is.

Softness of Silence

As I sit here and wait for the impression about what I'm going to write. I can almost feel the softness of the silence as it rest on my shoulder. I can thankfully, still recall how painful silence used to be. The depths of extreme that I would go to to avoid the silence. Let's see, I would always have the radio, or television on even if it were just noise in the background. I would call people on the phone just to talk, and I believed it made me look like a good person too. (LOL) I still love being alone, but now it isn't to avoid others instead it is to get to know what is going on in my head better.

Now as I sit in silence I find that when my mind clears, the peace and serenity feel almost weightless, colorless, and there is a freedom in being clear. I find that when I'm stressed I love going for a drive. In fact, just yesterday I was finishing running errands, and realized there wasn't a project at home that couldn't wait for a short drive.

So let me ask, why do I think external validation is so important? Yesterday I got my hair cut. Not just a trim, but like 6 inches cut off the length. I am known for extreme hair. Funny uh? (Harley is getting that way too, I love it) As I'm seeing her behavior I question, am I taking her action of extreme hair as a way Harley to imagine her validating me? As I went in and out of different stores, or appointments I felt myself hoping people would comment on my hair. Of course, hoping that they would tell me how “cute” it is. It is MY hair. I made the decision to make such an extreme cut because it is what I think is best for my hair and its health. I didn't make the decision because of “cute,” so why is it so important for me to have others think good things about me?

I keep wanting to avoid these issues I'm having. It is interesting how they seemingly unconnected to each other, yet strung together with fishing line all these issues are right now. What do they have in common and differences? I believe that problems or issues appear more apparent when it is my time to heal from it. Now is the time, obviously. What isn't obvious is what am I ready to heal from? I have recently talked about, my headaches and chronic pain, and silence, and my need for external validation. In my opinion, these things are just tiny and don't necessarily threaten life. I have dealt with much deeper pains than this.

I want to proclaim that I don't even begin to understand what I'm being presented with in this healing opportunity. Although, I do wish to understand it really doesn't matter. I will go into this with an open and trusting heart. I know that I will be protected no matter what happens either emotionally, physically, or spiritually.

Fear of Pain

I have to admit that I avoid doing things that cause me pain! I also have to tell you that I avoid myself, because of afraid of the pain I might find! These are two huge realizations for me. I want to try to explain without excuses what I'm talking about.

As you are well aware, I have headaches. Really! I am becoming tuned into the needs of these headaches without trying to coddle them or allow them to serve me with fear or excuse anymore. I avoid working, playing, enjoying my life in an attempt to avoid making my head hurt. For example, picking up something heavy to move it will make my headache “explode” so I appear lazy. I avoid running, playing, and things that result in enjoyment to avoid my headaches from “exploding” Depression sets in, and the result is lack of desire to work, play or do anything resulting in enjoyment. Vicious, vicious cycle!

I also avoid myself, because of the pain I find here. As I have been keeping my headache journal that I have been in pain for many years. Have I avoided dealing with this pain, or have I been brutally punishing myself. Somehow, thinking I deserved all this pain. Looking back on my thinking error, it would make perfect sense that I would think this way.

What would my life be like without this pain? I wouldn't have an excuse, not to work, play, relax, love, LIVE... Who would I be? Inside running joke of mine..What kind of eggs do I like? I would be forced to find out, since nothing would be standing in my way. What then, what if I failed? What if I succeeded? What if I won my own personal lottery?

I know as I sit in the seldom times I have without a headache, searching for it. Are you kidding me? I search for my headache, I own it as if it is a part of who I am. A defining part no less.

It must be my time. My time to find my freedom. My time to turn the pain of my headaches and body pain over to Christ. Will He take my pain away? I don't know... Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I know from my past weaknesses that the Lord doesn't take my weaknesses away from me, but he sustains me in my weaknesses. I'm scared, I mean really afraid of letting this pain go...It feels like if I were to just let go, and let God it would be simple. Maybe the simplest thing I've ever done.

Life's Headaches...

You know I've been thinking. (Ha Ha) I've talked A LOT about turning my life over to Jesus Christ. My focus has been turning over my weaknesses to Him, and allowing my weaknesses to be what they are. This morning my question is when my physical body is in a state of DIS-EASE how can I turn that over to Jesus Christ?

For example I have struggled with chronic headaches for many years. I have just suffered through them and believed that life was meant to be this way. In this last year, my headaches have become almost debilitating. I began a personal journey to figure out what is the best way for me to deal with them. I have tried many things, that just haven't worked. I have gone through times where I have felt frustrated, defeated, and allbut suicidal.

This morning it dawned on me that I can work through the 12-step program to come to a loving acceptance of my condition. So far, I have been making all the decisions as to my treatment plan for these headaches. My new focus is to step back and quietly listen for inspiration as to how is the way the Lord would have me deal with my headache treatments.

I start this day with several questions, “How can I benefit from these headaches?” “What can I learn from having these headaches?” “If I let these headaches go, how would my life be different?” “What limits do I place on my life due to my headaches?” “How does FEAR play a role in my headache treatment?”

Now, I pose the question to all of us...What things in our lives that make our lives unmanageable as we are living them? How can we let go of trying to control these things and turn them and our will over to Jesus Christ?


Maybe these headaches are trying to teach me something. Maybe I will always have these headaches, but I don't have to be one. I don't have to limit my life because of headaches anymore.

Live Your Truth

I have a growing list of wonderful quotes from people that inspire me. I have collected quotes for many years. In fact, I bought a little journal book to write quotes in when I come across something that inspires me. 

Maybe you like to read inspirational quotes too. What inspires me doesn't have to be what inspires you. The fact is, I need to live my truth and you need to live your truth. (It's just that simple). Inspirational quotes, isn't necessarily what I wanted to talk about today. I'm sure that you have read a quote at some point in your life, and thought "Wow, isn't that special..." After a few moments where were your thoughts? How do we internalize these inspirations?  


Remembering that there are no new thoughts in this life, just thoughts that the heavens are recycling for our growth. If we are to find growth in the moments that inspire us, why is it so challenging to be sustained in this inspiration?  


I have found that when I focus on changing my life, it doesn't change. As I have been more and more willing to turn my life over to my Father in Heaven. As I become more and more accepting of Him directing my life, and believing that I am watched over and guided by a great and loving Father. The more faith I have in living my truth. With my growing faith in living my truth, when I read a quote that invokes inspiration my heart swells with love for my Jesus. This love impresses the words into my heart and gives me the sustaining power to continue on.


Here are a couple quotes that have impressed me with inspiration to live my truth. Today, I challenge you to ponder them within your truth...

"I am not at all the sort of person you and I took me for." - Jane Welsh Carlyle

"You can do more than praying after you've prayed. You can never do more than praying before you have prayed."- Corrie ten Boom

"Intuition is a spiritual reality and does not explain, but simply points the way." - Florence Scovel Shinn

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." - Roy Rogers

"Pride creates a noise within us which makes the quiet voice of the spirit hard to hear. And soon, in our vanity, we no longer even listen for it. We come quickly to think we don't need it." - Henry B. Eyring

"One can never change the past, only the hold it has on you." - Merle Shain

"Don't ever let someone tell you that you can't finish the race because you can." Ro Paxman

Authenticity

A couple weeks ago, I found that I was behind on some work I needed done. In my search for authenticity I asked my wonderful hubby for the day to myself to work. This meant he would do all the things I normally would for the family plus all the things he normally would do as well. My past thinking errors would normally fill me with guilt, and anxiety. This day was perfect! I accomplished more in this one day than I had in the whole week. Much to my surprise the family got so much done in the yard, they made a “game” of the work that needed to be done.

In that day, I learned that I can ask for what I need, and that things work out in ways I couldn't imagine. Yep, things worked out “good.” Would I be regretting my decision if they hadn't? Well, honestly, things didn't work out the way I thought they would. I wouldn't have thought that my hubby would have made a “game” out of the day. If I had been involved with the family. Would I have taken his choice away from him? Would I have prevented him from being their Dad? Asking for what I needed, gave my family the room to grow and become stronger.

I also learned that next time I need something like, time or help I will ask. I realize there is no guarantee it will work out with a happy ending, but it will work out with lessons learned. I will grow stronger and my family will undoubtedly grow stronger.

I will somehow find the courage to do the things that my heart impresses on me. I will look for the new perspectives in the viewfinder of my camera to lead me to new heights.  

New Perspectives....

I'm officially back...I have a lot to talk about. Living life is much different than talking about it. Living thinking sober is actually rather difficult. Living and letting live, is still challenging for me. So much has happened this summer in my relationships with other people.

First, as you are likely aware I spent most of my summer taking pictures of kids ages 0-16 as they participated in the IJRA rodeo season. I learned so much about life from these kids. I learned how little I actually saw life, or other people. I walked though life with blinders on towards anything outside my blinders. The young people and their families are simply amazing. The work so hard at being the best they can be. My personal belief is also that the horses involved take such great care of these young people, to keep them safe, and to teach them. Watching these kids grow through the view finder of my camera gave me a new perspective on living, having courage, dedication, and hope. I learned what defeat looks like on the face of a child, in it's realness. The life of a child has a sense of authenticity to it, that isn't common in adults, at least not this adult.

I owe it to myself to take these lessons from the kids, and integrate, all be it poorly sometimes, to be more authentic in my life. I spend a lot of time considering what it is I really like, feel, and believe. For the next several post, I'm going to talk about how I am becoming more authentic and the lessons I am learning from it. I would love to hear your life lessons too....

Grateful Summer

So much has happened this summer, and in my recovery. As you all know, I contracted with the IJRA to take the photos of all the kids. As you also know, I have felt very overwhelmed. There is so much changing in my life, personally, financially, and family that these things have added to my feelings of overwhelmed.

I'm not here to tell you how overwhelmed I have felt. I am here to talk to you about how peaceful life has become. First, I had felt very dependent on “my daily routine.” My daily routine, waking up at 4:30 AM and involved prayer, meditation, study, and of course my 12 step program. The rest of the day was a dedication to letting go of my control, and trusting that God had a greater plan for me.

This summer sadly “My daily routine” has gone by the way side. I often wonder if I will fall and all the old patterns would come crashing back in. I know there is something critically important for me, to have that spiritual foundation on a daily basis in my life. I feel bad that I haven't had my daily routine this summer. I look forward to the fall when life slows down and I can have my daily routine back.

For now, I want to express my gratitude to my Savior for compensating for all my weaknesses, for sustaining me in the times I begin to feel overwhelmed, and for building my faith in Him to know that He will compensate for my weaknesses and sustain me in the times I can't stand on my own. (which is most all the time).

This summer has taught me, I don't need “My daily routine” as a crutch to get through the day. I am NOT broken anymore! I may not be broken anymore, and I'm certainly not perfect. I am someone just like you. I am someone that is worth saving, healing, and loving. I am someone, that welcomes challenges with the faith that Christ will be there to catch me when I fall. When I start to feel overwhelmed, anxiety, or fear I know that it is alright and natural to feel this way. It is my responsibility to turn to Him that saves for the way to get through this. The sweetness, of His atoning love and peace fills my heart and I know there will be a way through this. Although, I haven't had my daily routine, I have learned so much about my Savior. I have seen His teaching at work in my daily life.

There was an experience this summer that I wanted to come to a conclusion. I really wanted it to come to the conclusion that I wanted as well...(Surprise!) Obviously, it wasn't in my best interest to have this experience conclude and with the result I want, when I was wishing it would. Time and time again I could be found on my knees, asking forgiveness, and especially strength to bear the time it was taking. Often times, I was shown a place in my heart where love, peace, and willingness was growing. As I began to trust these feelings they grow and bloomed into faith, hope and desire to grow towards the light. In the past when I have prayed for the challenge to end, and end how I want it to; I was never blessed with the peace and calming love of being care for as when I pray for forgiveness and strength.

I look forward to getting back into writing everyday. I have had a lot of personal and spiritual experiences of growth and learning this summer that I want to write about the correlation between the experience and how I can apply it to my growth and healing. Check back often, I'm almost ready to start writing everyday again!!!!

Again, as a reminder there is so much in your life that you can use as a teaching tool for me. I would love to hear from you. I want to hear what works for you and what doesn't. I am learning that everyone is more the same than different. We may walk the path of life differently, but we all need the same thing...LOVE

Be Prepared....

I know that I have focused this blog on not being preachy, but just telling you what works for me. In this moment an undeniable sense of being preachy has come into my heart, so here it goes. Hang on, this might get bumpy, just know that I love you and I believe what I am saying.

"Keep your mind on the hereafter, or you will forget what you are hereafter." unknown.

It is so easy to get sucked into the day to day craziness. It is almost somewhat natural to think, feel, or believe that if we can keep up with the craziness that we are successful. 

Please know that no matter how caught up in this craziness of life, your heart can and will talk to you. If you are willing to slow down sometimes, you will need to slow down to a crawl you will be able to hear your heart invite you to do the right thing. 

I promise you the truth is in your heart and will never lead you down the wrong path. What a wonderful blessing it is to have the loving desire to help people in our lives. I am here to tell you that the way most of us have been taught to help others is WRONG! We are a culture of people that enable others, and expect to be enabled ourselves. 

I have learned through my codependent recovery that my truth is always in my heart. It always has been although, I have silenced it for the trade off of helping others in ways that actually harm them. Why do I act this way? Why do you? I found for me I act this way, in order to get people to love me, notice me, appreciate me...Selfish uh? 

I have learned through the wonderful friends, who are angels, in my life sent by my loving Heavenly Father to sustain me in my hardships and to teach me how to love, through being less selfish. Wow, what a wonderful way for the Lord to teach me. These friends are all really my brothers and sisters in Christ. I have a beautiful family, that I love to serve and I love how they serve me in my needs.   

Hi Everyone

Life has really changed this past month. I have grown so much. Some of you know that I am contracted with the IJRA to take all the photo's for this season. Which has turned into a huge undertaking. All I can say is WOW.

Funny thing is I feel different. I am not the same person I was. Sure I still feel like I need to do a near perfect job, but not because I have an inferiority complex, but instead I want to be able to produce wonderful photo memories for the families I am serving. It is a new feeling, and such a wonderful feeling. I love the idea of being able to make great photos for these families so that they have a way to keep the memories they are out there making!

I am so grateful to all my wonderful friends, that have been such a special and powerful support to me. I am learning what a true friend is, and I have been blessed with several of them to be in my life right now. When I need something done, there is someone willing to do it. When I need to vent there is someone willing to listen. When I need some marketing ideas there is someone to brainstorm with. Even though this photo shoot is something of my choice, it is still a challenge and in someways comes at a trying time in life.  I am beginning to believe that through these friends Heavenly Father is sustaining me in this challenging time. All things are possible through faith in Christ. 

Angels Among Us

I was called by one of my favorite angels this evening. She says to me, “I have an idea for what the future holds, and it looks good. Just don't worry...because things are looking good.”

As I continued to talk to her, it was obvious that she was being respectful, and that she was at peace. Previously to the conversation I had come to a peaceful place with the zig zag in my life, and she was a second witness to the hand of the Lord.

We are being taken care of. This experience has shown me, just how limited my human sight is. It takes a loving Father in Heaven to not only take care of my needs but the needs of everyone else involved in this transaction. What a beautiful song He orchestrates in life.

This evening my prayers include a prayer of gratitude for my angel, and the song she sings...I love you my friend.

Life's Zig Zags

Things are really different. I am no longer broken, or stuck in my personal hell. In the mist of a great hardship, I have been blessed to recognize, I don't have to feel helpless, or full of anxiety. My body doesn't have to hurt, the swelling in my chest that makes it hard to breath doesn't have to be there.

On Friday, my life to a huge turn, more like a zig zag than a turn. Immediately, I emotionally slipped into a state of anxiety, and physically started to shut down and be over taken with pain. I reached out to loved ones asking for prayers, and recognizing that I am powerless to change what was happening went to my knees as well.

Within the hour, my mind was clear, my heart was comforted, and the physical pain I had come into was gone. First, and far most in this situation is to recognize that the Lord hears and answers prayers. What did I pray for? In my addictions, I used to pray for the Lord to change what hell I was in, but not this time. I prayed for Him to sustain me, in this zig zag that I might be able to utilize the gifts He has blessed me with in this time of need. Sure enough, the love, the peace, the calm in the storm all came. It wasn't just a short time ago, that I didn't have the faith to trust in Him, to know that He would bring this peace. I knew the love and peace where there during the times of peace, but this is the first big trial since I've really been in recovery that I've been able to maintain with Him this love and peace.

I'm not trying to take any of the credit for how I feel in this situation, what I'm trying to say is that I testify that I am being healing. I have entered if only somewhat into “His rest.”

I have a deep and personal love for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know the atonement is real for me personally. I know that He knows and loves me. I know that if He can heal me, that the love and peace that comes from His healing can be for you personally too.

Be A Weed

Trials Come

WOW, it seems like when trials come, they seem like it rains cats and dogs...LOL. My only post today is to ask you to please pray for me and my family. Pray, that I can stay strong, and that peace will be in my heart. My goal is to have enough faith to allow this to progress that way the Lord wishes and know that it will only make me stronger and closer to Him.

Angels

It is so amazing and so special that the Lord sends angels to us in our times of need. I know that over the past couple weeks, I've never felt stronger than in my whole life.

I know that I've been under an enormous amount of stress. Stresses that seem to always involve other people, and their choices or their time lines. I've been blessed with the angel of peace to accompany me. Even though things have just gone on, I know the flow has been perfect.

Although, I don't rush into old thinking patterns any more, I still flirt with them. As tempting as they are...Sometimes, I don't know what my alternatives are. I have been blessed with the angel of time. I've always had enough time, to stop and pause and of course pray before I make a decision. As I laugh in retrospect, sometimes my decision is an old thinking pattern. I just have to see if they still work, and nope they don't work any better than they originally did. I just can see that now.

I have been blessed with many other angels in my life...I could go on and tell you about the angel of compassion, and the angel of accountability, but I will leave it up to you to search out the angels in your life. For now may the angel of love walk with you.

A Great Day!

My 14 year old, daughter, and I had such a great day today. We bound quilts, or at least we tried. We sewed, unpicked, broke needles, and made a mess of the bobbin tread...and we laughed!

I have a choice right now, it is the same choice I've had all day. How am I going to direct me way of being? We had three quilts to bind, and it should have been a snap. Everything that could go crazy did. I think all in all we broke 5 needles. Nope there is likely nothing wrong with the sewing machine. We just have no idea what we are doing, so it was trial and error.

As we unpicked the same sections over and over, we joked, told stories, and laughed. Somehow, when we were joking I said something like ..."I tried, but I suck." and it stuck. It became a little joke. My daughter took sewing in 4-H last year, and she joked to me...I was going to give you a blue ribbon, I really wanted too...I think I will have to give you a "participation" ribbon.

In the mist of what could have been a horrible bad day, it is one that is full of participation ribbons and most of all memories. In my recovery, I have found I love making memories with my kids. Being a part of their life, and most of all being "present" is amazing.

I have missed out on a lot of my kids life, and especially on my life. Not any more. I'm here, let's make some memories....

The Day was Long

The day was long. My mind was cluttered. I searched for words to pray, but lacking my own, I began to sing a sweet hymn written by Philip Doddridge (1702-1751) whose prayerful words lifted my voice to the Heavens.

How gentle God's commands!

How kind His precepts are!

Come, cast your burden on the Lord

And trust His constant care.

"Yes, trust," I thought, as the words escaped my lips. "I'll trust His constant care. He doesn't leave me; I leave Him. If I stay, He's here. I don't have to be alone."

Beneath His watchful eye,

His Saints securely dwell;

That hand which bears all nature up

Shall guard His children well.

The hand that guards me... it is the same hand that led me through years of thick depression when faith in Him was the only light I could see. It is the same hand that guides me through challenges that would otherwise leave me perplexed. It is the same hand that plucked me from the swimming pool before I drowned, that held the truck steady during a 360-degree spin on a busy road, and that grasped mine tightly as I traveled through the veil to bring babies to this world during childbirth. Yes - oh, yes - He guards me well.

Why should this anxious load

Press down your weary mind?

Haste to your Heav'nly Father's throne

And sweet refreshment find.

I kneel at His throne twice a day, as a child speaking to her Father. I thank Him and praise Him, but then I do what most children do when they find themselves alone with their dad; I whine. "My day was hard," I remind Him, forgetting that He knows my experience exactly. "I'm confused. My legs ache. The kids are driving me crazy. I feel bad that I did - or said - or thought - that thing."

He doesn't mind my complaints and worries, but sits on His throne, patiently listening, encouraging, cheering, reaching, and waiting... waiting for the words to fall at His feet so He can lift them up and carry my burdens on His strong back. I've given Him my concerns in exchange for His lighter load of love, peace, joy, and hope.

Refreshed, I stand and sing again.

His goodness stands approved,

Unchanged from day to day;

I'll drop my burden at His feet

And bear a song away.

Thank You!

Thank you so much to everyone for your sweet emails of concerns this past week. I really needed this week to regroup and to reground with my life. I've sat in the hot tub of all places and just let life take on a clearer perspective.

As I have talked about lately, I've needed to get clear. Stress has a way of giving me the desire to “take over” I have had a lot of conflict about what I think I want to do, and what I definitely shouldn't do. Which are really the same thing.

I found that in my reality it was really best for me, to step way out this past week. I went to the opposite extreme and kind of shut down. It was really good for me, in that I learned that the doesn't stop turning just because I stop trying to get things to go my way...What a marvelous perspective! In fact the more I stepped back, and sort of shut down the smoother things went. I found out the people really do the things they say they will, and when they say they would. Things this week have worked out, I'm not suggesting there aren't any bumps. The bumps have smoothed themselves out or at least I know they will.

I have so much gratitude for how blessed I am to be able to learn that it's alright, and even much better than I could have ever hoped to just back up and watch how beautifully the Lord orchestrates the masterpiece of my life.

Instead of shutting down from now on, I'm just going to back up and stay connected in my life. I'm going to strive to continue to turn my life over to the care of our Lord. I'm sure that times are going to get really hard, and I'm going to slip. It isn't a matter of slipping, it's a matter of not having a pitty party, and getting up and just keep on keeping on. 

Let's Dance in the Rain

The funniest thing happened yesterday afternoon...There are so many lessons to be learned from this experience and I want to share that with you.

On Tuesday, I had told my daughter that I would take her to practice her rodeo advents at the arena on the edge of town. About the time, I was supposed to take her something came up and I couldn't take her. Needless to say my daughter was seriously upset. Her practice time with her horse it truly important to her. She is a strong example of dedication to something you love. Seeing how upset she was, I PROMISED to take her every evening, without fail. That is a big promise, with big consequences if I don't follow through.

So Wednesday, the weather was rainy on and off all day. My daughter text me on her lunch break, and said she still wanted to go. As school was getting out, I loaded up the horse trailer, goat, and horse, in the rain. I realized as the rain dripped off the hood of my hoody that this is really funny. I didn't stop to consider the consequences, I just kept getting ready.

When my daughter came home, she made a sandwich and as we pulled out, she asked me “Are you sure you want to go? I don't want you to get cold.” In side I laughed again, as I told her how funny I thought this was and I wanted to go, and make sure I kept my promise.

We arrived at the arena, and started to unload the horse and goat. My beautiful daughter, started to laugh as she figured out she was wet and cold. She realizing that I had gone to an effort for her, she was hesitant to decide she wanted to go home. As we were headed home, my daughter says “I don't think I thought this through very well.” (What a lesson she learned) “We gave it a good try, and it just didn't work out.”

It was so funny. I'm not sure that the situation was funny, but what was so funny is how I felt. I felt like we were dancing in the rain. I felt like this was an opportunity to bond with my girl and to make a memory that will last us for the rest of our lives. I can just hear the story being told through the years, “Do you remember the afternoon, we gave it a good try, and it just didn't work out?....”

Besides making a great memory, I learned that my daughter needs to learn lessons on her own. Allowing her to learn these lessons, can't hurt her. We might get soggy, but not hurt. I learned I won't melt if I get rained on. I learned that I like being out in the rain, as it danced on my hoody. I took a chance, and loved it!