As
I have been talking to other people it is so neat to see how
personalized we have all made our 12 step program. Our outward
addictions can be so very different, but our stories are all so
similar. I've discovered that other people have felt as hopeless and
desolate that I have felt.
I
recognize the different levels of commitment people have towards
working the program. For me, especially, these steps are hard, but
more than hard they are terrifying. It sometimes feels impossible to
work through the hell of feelings: fear, guilt, pride, and anxiety.
There are moments I feel like if I quit and give up working my
program, then I would not have to be accountable.
With
each step, I take steps toward breaking down the lies that, up to
this point, have been the foundation for that which I've built my
life on. As I am faced with the realization of my life, I am forced
to make a choice—Continue to accept the lie and find a new way to
cover it up OR admit I am powerless and this lie has become
unmanageable.
If
this lie is exposed, my life I worked so hard for would be ruined and
I say that like it is catastrophic! I didn't have hope, faith, or any
idea that my life could be any other way than worse.
Alma
5:5 They were in captivity and again the Lord did deliver them out of
bondage by the power of His word.
I
had no idea I was in bondage to my lies and the way I was thinking
and believing. Looking back it was as the Lord began freeing me from
the bondage of my lies is when I began to recognize I was even in
bondage.
When
I was first coming into recovery every time one of these lies was
exposed I felt a strong sense of self-preservation, franticly I would
scurry around in desperation to find a new way of covering it up. For
the most part, It isn't you I was hiding these lies from; I needed to
hide them from myself. I couldn't admit my lies to myself, to others,
or to God. I felt like my life was spiraling out of control. I felt
like someone threw water on the wicked witch, (me) and I was melting
in slow, painful, torture.
Now
as I look at my life I am still fearful when a lie is exposed. I
still feel tempted to try to cover up the lies, instead of
desperately attempting to cover them up I turn my heart towards the
heavens and humbly admit I'm powerless. I recognize I'm not worthy of
the grace of God. I recognize all the grace and tender mercies He has
offered me, then I take action. I start praying for God to sustain me
through this, and I start stepping my steps as honestly as I can.
At
the end of the day I find that my heart is full of gratitude and love
for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for the tender mercies and grace
He showered upon me through the day.
I may not post all the time, but I enjoy reading what you right. I appreciate the things that you have to say, that seem to bring some sort of meaning into my life. So thanks!
ReplyDelete