Grateful Summer

So much has happened this summer, and in my recovery. As you all know, I contracted with the IJRA to take the photos of all the kids. As you also know, I have felt very overwhelmed. There is so much changing in my life, personally, financially, and family that these things have added to my feelings of overwhelmed.

I'm not here to tell you how overwhelmed I have felt. I am here to talk to you about how peaceful life has become. First, I had felt very dependent on “my daily routine.” My daily routine, waking up at 4:30 AM and involved prayer, meditation, study, and of course my 12 step program. The rest of the day was a dedication to letting go of my control, and trusting that God had a greater plan for me.

This summer sadly “My daily routine” has gone by the way side. I often wonder if I will fall and all the old patterns would come crashing back in. I know there is something critically important for me, to have that spiritual foundation on a daily basis in my life. I feel bad that I haven't had my daily routine this summer. I look forward to the fall when life slows down and I can have my daily routine back.

For now, I want to express my gratitude to my Savior for compensating for all my weaknesses, for sustaining me in the times I begin to feel overwhelmed, and for building my faith in Him to know that He will compensate for my weaknesses and sustain me in the times I can't stand on my own. (which is most all the time).

This summer has taught me, I don't need “My daily routine” as a crutch to get through the day. I am NOT broken anymore! I may not be broken anymore, and I'm certainly not perfect. I am someone just like you. I am someone that is worth saving, healing, and loving. I am someone, that welcomes challenges with the faith that Christ will be there to catch me when I fall. When I start to feel overwhelmed, anxiety, or fear I know that it is alright and natural to feel this way. It is my responsibility to turn to Him that saves for the way to get through this. The sweetness, of His atoning love and peace fills my heart and I know there will be a way through this. Although, I haven't had my daily routine, I have learned so much about my Savior. I have seen His teaching at work in my daily life.

There was an experience this summer that I wanted to come to a conclusion. I really wanted it to come to the conclusion that I wanted as well...(Surprise!) Obviously, it wasn't in my best interest to have this experience conclude and with the result I want, when I was wishing it would. Time and time again I could be found on my knees, asking forgiveness, and especially strength to bear the time it was taking. Often times, I was shown a place in my heart where love, peace, and willingness was growing. As I began to trust these feelings they grow and bloomed into faith, hope and desire to grow towards the light. In the past when I have prayed for the challenge to end, and end how I want it to; I was never blessed with the peace and calming love of being care for as when I pray for forgiveness and strength.

I look forward to getting back into writing everyday. I have had a lot of personal and spiritual experiences of growth and learning this summer that I want to write about the correlation between the experience and how I can apply it to my growth and healing. Check back often, I'm almost ready to start writing everyday again!!!!

Again, as a reminder there is so much in your life that you can use as a teaching tool for me. I would love to hear from you. I want to hear what works for you and what doesn't. I am learning that everyone is more the same than different. We may walk the path of life differently, but we all need the same thing...LOVE

Be Prepared....

I know that I have focused this blog on not being preachy, but just telling you what works for me. In this moment an undeniable sense of being preachy has come into my heart, so here it goes. Hang on, this might get bumpy, just know that I love you and I believe what I am saying.

"Keep your mind on the hereafter, or you will forget what you are hereafter." unknown.

It is so easy to get sucked into the day to day craziness. It is almost somewhat natural to think, feel, or believe that if we can keep up with the craziness that we are successful. 

Please know that no matter how caught up in this craziness of life, your heart can and will talk to you. If you are willing to slow down sometimes, you will need to slow down to a crawl you will be able to hear your heart invite you to do the right thing. 

I promise you the truth is in your heart and will never lead you down the wrong path. What a wonderful blessing it is to have the loving desire to help people in our lives. I am here to tell you that the way most of us have been taught to help others is WRONG! We are a culture of people that enable others, and expect to be enabled ourselves. 

I have learned through my codependent recovery that my truth is always in my heart. It always has been although, I have silenced it for the trade off of helping others in ways that actually harm them. Why do I act this way? Why do you? I found for me I act this way, in order to get people to love me, notice me, appreciate me...Selfish uh? 

I have learned through the wonderful friends, who are angels, in my life sent by my loving Heavenly Father to sustain me in my hardships and to teach me how to love, through being less selfish. Wow, what a wonderful way for the Lord to teach me. These friends are all really my brothers and sisters in Christ. I have a beautiful family, that I love to serve and I love how they serve me in my needs.   

Hi Everyone

Life has really changed this past month. I have grown so much. Some of you know that I am contracted with the IJRA to take all the photo's for this season. Which has turned into a huge undertaking. All I can say is WOW.

Funny thing is I feel different. I am not the same person I was. Sure I still feel like I need to do a near perfect job, but not because I have an inferiority complex, but instead I want to be able to produce wonderful photo memories for the families I am serving. It is a new feeling, and such a wonderful feeling. I love the idea of being able to make great photos for these families so that they have a way to keep the memories they are out there making!

I am so grateful to all my wonderful friends, that have been such a special and powerful support to me. I am learning what a true friend is, and I have been blessed with several of them to be in my life right now. When I need something done, there is someone willing to do it. When I need to vent there is someone willing to listen. When I need some marketing ideas there is someone to brainstorm with. Even though this photo shoot is something of my choice, it is still a challenge and in someways comes at a trying time in life.  I am beginning to believe that through these friends Heavenly Father is sustaining me in this challenging time. All things are possible through faith in Christ. 

Angels Among Us

I was called by one of my favorite angels this evening. She says to me, “I have an idea for what the future holds, and it looks good. Just don't worry...because things are looking good.”

As I continued to talk to her, it was obvious that she was being respectful, and that she was at peace. Previously to the conversation I had come to a peaceful place with the zig zag in my life, and she was a second witness to the hand of the Lord.

We are being taken care of. This experience has shown me, just how limited my human sight is. It takes a loving Father in Heaven to not only take care of my needs but the needs of everyone else involved in this transaction. What a beautiful song He orchestrates in life.

This evening my prayers include a prayer of gratitude for my angel, and the song she sings...I love you my friend.

Life's Zig Zags

Things are really different. I am no longer broken, or stuck in my personal hell. In the mist of a great hardship, I have been blessed to recognize, I don't have to feel helpless, or full of anxiety. My body doesn't have to hurt, the swelling in my chest that makes it hard to breath doesn't have to be there.

On Friday, my life to a huge turn, more like a zig zag than a turn. Immediately, I emotionally slipped into a state of anxiety, and physically started to shut down and be over taken with pain. I reached out to loved ones asking for prayers, and recognizing that I am powerless to change what was happening went to my knees as well.

Within the hour, my mind was clear, my heart was comforted, and the physical pain I had come into was gone. First, and far most in this situation is to recognize that the Lord hears and answers prayers. What did I pray for? In my addictions, I used to pray for the Lord to change what hell I was in, but not this time. I prayed for Him to sustain me, in this zig zag that I might be able to utilize the gifts He has blessed me with in this time of need. Sure enough, the love, the peace, the calm in the storm all came. It wasn't just a short time ago, that I didn't have the faith to trust in Him, to know that He would bring this peace. I knew the love and peace where there during the times of peace, but this is the first big trial since I've really been in recovery that I've been able to maintain with Him this love and peace.

I'm not trying to take any of the credit for how I feel in this situation, what I'm trying to say is that I testify that I am being healing. I have entered if only somewhat into “His rest.”

I have a deep and personal love for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know the atonement is real for me personally. I know that He knows and loves me. I know that if He can heal me, that the love and peace that comes from His healing can be for you personally too.

Be A Weed

Trials Come

WOW, it seems like when trials come, they seem like it rains cats and dogs...LOL. My only post today is to ask you to please pray for me and my family. Pray, that I can stay strong, and that peace will be in my heart. My goal is to have enough faith to allow this to progress that way the Lord wishes and know that it will only make me stronger and closer to Him.

Angels

It is so amazing and so special that the Lord sends angels to us in our times of need. I know that over the past couple weeks, I've never felt stronger than in my whole life.

I know that I've been under an enormous amount of stress. Stresses that seem to always involve other people, and their choices or their time lines. I've been blessed with the angel of peace to accompany me. Even though things have just gone on, I know the flow has been perfect.

Although, I don't rush into old thinking patterns any more, I still flirt with them. As tempting as they are...Sometimes, I don't know what my alternatives are. I have been blessed with the angel of time. I've always had enough time, to stop and pause and of course pray before I make a decision. As I laugh in retrospect, sometimes my decision is an old thinking pattern. I just have to see if they still work, and nope they don't work any better than they originally did. I just can see that now.

I have been blessed with many other angels in my life...I could go on and tell you about the angel of compassion, and the angel of accountability, but I will leave it up to you to search out the angels in your life. For now may the angel of love walk with you.

A Great Day!

My 14 year old, daughter, and I had such a great day today. We bound quilts, or at least we tried. We sewed, unpicked, broke needles, and made a mess of the bobbin tread...and we laughed!

I have a choice right now, it is the same choice I've had all day. How am I going to direct me way of being? We had three quilts to bind, and it should have been a snap. Everything that could go crazy did. I think all in all we broke 5 needles. Nope there is likely nothing wrong with the sewing machine. We just have no idea what we are doing, so it was trial and error.

As we unpicked the same sections over and over, we joked, told stories, and laughed. Somehow, when we were joking I said something like ..."I tried, but I suck." and it stuck. It became a little joke. My daughter took sewing in 4-H last year, and she joked to me...I was going to give you a blue ribbon, I really wanted too...I think I will have to give you a "participation" ribbon.

In the mist of what could have been a horrible bad day, it is one that is full of participation ribbons and most of all memories. In my recovery, I have found I love making memories with my kids. Being a part of their life, and most of all being "present" is amazing.

I have missed out on a lot of my kids life, and especially on my life. Not any more. I'm here, let's make some memories....

The Day was Long

The day was long. My mind was cluttered. I searched for words to pray, but lacking my own, I began to sing a sweet hymn written by Philip Doddridge (1702-1751) whose prayerful words lifted my voice to the Heavens.

How gentle God's commands!

How kind His precepts are!

Come, cast your burden on the Lord

And trust His constant care.

"Yes, trust," I thought, as the words escaped my lips. "I'll trust His constant care. He doesn't leave me; I leave Him. If I stay, He's here. I don't have to be alone."

Beneath His watchful eye,

His Saints securely dwell;

That hand which bears all nature up

Shall guard His children well.

The hand that guards me... it is the same hand that led me through years of thick depression when faith in Him was the only light I could see. It is the same hand that guides me through challenges that would otherwise leave me perplexed. It is the same hand that plucked me from the swimming pool before I drowned, that held the truck steady during a 360-degree spin on a busy road, and that grasped mine tightly as I traveled through the veil to bring babies to this world during childbirth. Yes - oh, yes - He guards me well.

Why should this anxious load

Press down your weary mind?

Haste to your Heav'nly Father's throne

And sweet refreshment find.

I kneel at His throne twice a day, as a child speaking to her Father. I thank Him and praise Him, but then I do what most children do when they find themselves alone with their dad; I whine. "My day was hard," I remind Him, forgetting that He knows my experience exactly. "I'm confused. My legs ache. The kids are driving me crazy. I feel bad that I did - or said - or thought - that thing."

He doesn't mind my complaints and worries, but sits on His throne, patiently listening, encouraging, cheering, reaching, and waiting... waiting for the words to fall at His feet so He can lift them up and carry my burdens on His strong back. I've given Him my concerns in exchange for His lighter load of love, peace, joy, and hope.

Refreshed, I stand and sing again.

His goodness stands approved,

Unchanged from day to day;

I'll drop my burden at His feet

And bear a song away.

Thank You!

Thank you so much to everyone for your sweet emails of concerns this past week. I really needed this week to regroup and to reground with my life. I've sat in the hot tub of all places and just let life take on a clearer perspective.

As I have talked about lately, I've needed to get clear. Stress has a way of giving me the desire to “take over” I have had a lot of conflict about what I think I want to do, and what I definitely shouldn't do. Which are really the same thing.

I found that in my reality it was really best for me, to step way out this past week. I went to the opposite extreme and kind of shut down. It was really good for me, in that I learned that the doesn't stop turning just because I stop trying to get things to go my way...What a marvelous perspective! In fact the more I stepped back, and sort of shut down the smoother things went. I found out the people really do the things they say they will, and when they say they would. Things this week have worked out, I'm not suggesting there aren't any bumps. The bumps have smoothed themselves out or at least I know they will.

I have so much gratitude for how blessed I am to be able to learn that it's alright, and even much better than I could have ever hoped to just back up and watch how beautifully the Lord orchestrates the masterpiece of my life.

Instead of shutting down from now on, I'm just going to back up and stay connected in my life. I'm going to strive to continue to turn my life over to the care of our Lord. I'm sure that times are going to get really hard, and I'm going to slip. It isn't a matter of slipping, it's a matter of not having a pitty party, and getting up and just keep on keeping on. 

Let's Dance in the Rain

The funniest thing happened yesterday afternoon...There are so many lessons to be learned from this experience and I want to share that with you.

On Tuesday, I had told my daughter that I would take her to practice her rodeo advents at the arena on the edge of town. About the time, I was supposed to take her something came up and I couldn't take her. Needless to say my daughter was seriously upset. Her practice time with her horse it truly important to her. She is a strong example of dedication to something you love. Seeing how upset she was, I PROMISED to take her every evening, without fail. That is a big promise, with big consequences if I don't follow through.

So Wednesday, the weather was rainy on and off all day. My daughter text me on her lunch break, and said she still wanted to go. As school was getting out, I loaded up the horse trailer, goat, and horse, in the rain. I realized as the rain dripped off the hood of my hoody that this is really funny. I didn't stop to consider the consequences, I just kept getting ready.

When my daughter came home, she made a sandwich and as we pulled out, she asked me “Are you sure you want to go? I don't want you to get cold.” In side I laughed again, as I told her how funny I thought this was and I wanted to go, and make sure I kept my promise.

We arrived at the arena, and started to unload the horse and goat. My beautiful daughter, started to laugh as she figured out she was wet and cold. She realizing that I had gone to an effort for her, she was hesitant to decide she wanted to go home. As we were headed home, my daughter says “I don't think I thought this through very well.” (What a lesson she learned) “We gave it a good try, and it just didn't work out.”

It was so funny. I'm not sure that the situation was funny, but what was so funny is how I felt. I felt like we were dancing in the rain. I felt like this was an opportunity to bond with my girl and to make a memory that will last us for the rest of our lives. I can just hear the story being told through the years, “Do you remember the afternoon, we gave it a good try, and it just didn't work out?....”

Besides making a great memory, I learned that my daughter needs to learn lessons on her own. Allowing her to learn these lessons, can't hurt her. We might get soggy, but not hurt. I learned I won't melt if I get rained on. I learned that I like being out in the rain, as it danced on my hoody. I took a chance, and loved it!

Dealing with Stress in Life

There are some very concerning stressors in my life right now! I am finding it increasingly challenging to stay grounded and at peace. I find my physical body wondering to the same ole' retreats, headaches, food obsession, and sleepless nights. I find my emotional body wondering to anxiety, crazy thinking, and FEAR. Spritually, I am continually thinking of how loved I am by the Lord. I have been blessed so greatly even in my addictions. I have an advocate in the Lord.

These stressors in my life right now, are not here to hurt or punish me, they are here to test what I have learned up to this point, and to further strengthen me in the Lord. Although, I know this to be true, I still struggle to make this truth a firm place in my heart.

I am lifted up by The Serenity Prayer, and hopefully you will be too.

The Serenity Prayer
	God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen.--Reinhold Niebuhr
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths. Proverbs 3, 5-6

Enduring Well

A worthwhile attitude for all of us could well be, “Help us, O Lord, to remember thy love for us and help us to be fortified by thy strength when our eyes are blurred with tears of sorrow and our vision is limited.”

It is expedient for all of us, particularly those who may be weighed down by grief because of acts of misconduct or misfortune, to recall that even the Prophet Joseph Smith had hours of despair because of his very trying experiences in the Liberty Jail. Perhaps he too was entitled to question, “What did I do wrong? What have I done to displease Thee, O Lord? Where have I failed? Why are the answers to my prayers and pleas withheld?” In response to the feelings of his heart and mind he cried out:

“O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?” (D&C 121:1.)

The reassuring response came:

“My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.” (D&C 121:7–8.)

The promise God gave to Joseph Smith is a promise for all of us: “If thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes,” and also over heartaches caused by misconduct of loved ones.

 

Marvin J. Ashton, “‘If Thou Endure It Well’,” Ensign, Nov 1984, 20

When I was struggling in my life before I started to come to Christ, I couldn't endure life well. I could only endure the Hell I was in. My eyes were blurred with my tears of sorrow, and self-pity. Even when the Lord offered His strength I couldn't accept that.

Now in my recovery on my journey home to Him. It is helpful and truly necessary for me to remember these times, these feelings, so that I can be motivated to relieing on the Lord.

When it comes to enduring my current hardships, it doesn't seem like enduring, it is more like learning. I feel safe, and I feel like I can't be hurt. Not that I feel like indestructible, but like I'm safely in His arms. I feel courage to do the things that are in front of me.

I'm still human and I get sacred, and I stumble (a lot). That's okay. I'm fallible, and that is how I learn. Meanwhile, Christ keeps me safe to make mistakes. I'm like a little baby learning to walk. I'm shaky, unsteady, and it's one baby step at a time, of course I fall down. Slowly and surely I will keep trying until I get it. Like any good parent, I know He is there holding me steady and picking me up when I fall.

Talents

For my whole life I thought that talents were things that I didn't have, and couldn't develop. Singing for example, if I sing women gather up their children and take off running, and birds fall off their perches. It just isn't a pretty thing.

As I have come into recovery I have begun to recognize that talent doesn't always have to be a physical thing like singing. I can tell my story of recovery and I can do it the best I can. I can have compassion for other people going through similar struggles, and help life them up.

I can utilize my studies of the scriptures, so that when I talk with people I can refer them to scriptures that have lifted me up, and helped me endure hardships.

Sure I have the desire and I enjoy many physical talents, but I'm not perfected in any of them. I'm not perfected in telling my story nor having compassion for others, and that's alright. As I come through each day, I can do the best I can as I work to magnifying my talents in Christ.

As I look at the vision board this morning I see many beautiful colors gather around to remind me that my talents are not only for my growth, and enjoyment; they are also for me to share so that others can be invited to their own growth and have enjoyment in their life.

As I look back on my life before recovery I am reminded at how I used my life to make everyone around me miserable. Humbly, I have come to enjoy bringing peace and joy into the lives of others. I'm thankful that our Father in Heaven has blessed me with this gift.

What special talents do you have? How are you going to share them today?

I Did It Again

I did it again!!!! This wasn't such a good thing. I found myself falling into the old patterns. I was working with a special person today, and found myself making up their mind for them. I kept thinking, they are questioning me, they are douting me...On and on. I just could calm down enough to listen to my heart and allow myself to be guided by His love.

I really struggled, I finally was able to back myself up enough to come slightly back in balance and make it through the apointment. When we were finished, she said something that really put me in my place. She admitted to herself, and to me that what I had said was right. She said that sometimes we just don't think about things like that.

Like I said earlier in the week, we need to be honest with ourselves before we can be honest with others. At first, I took it personally and quickly doubted myself when she wasn't honest with herself.

I'm thankful for one thing. I am thankful that I didn't start critizing her for where she was in her life. I'm just said that I wasn't strong enough to trust in the Lord enough to feel safe with what I was promted to say.

Let me just say, that this family I have been blessed to meet and work with is totally amazing. They are so strong in their love and care for each other. Truely an inspring story of Christ love for one another. The Dad in this family is one of my angels that I talked about a while ago, and as I get to know him better I can see why Heavenly Father choose him to come and be my angel that day. There wouldn't have been anyone else more wonderful.

I am so thankful that my life has been blessed by these wonderful people. Maybe next time, I will be stronger.

Where Are You Going To Go Today?

Where are you going to go today? My brother recommended that I read this book, and it was so moving that I'm going to pass it on to you...Enjoy

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
by Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!

Love One Another

I was talking to a couple people; we were talking about life. Like so many people they expressed concerns about how they are treated in general. They feel people mistreat them, judge them, shun them, and they constantly have to defend themselves.

I know far to well these feelings, and how they drove me into isolation from others and from my Father in Heaven, and Jesus Christ. I related far to well to all the swirling questions they asked.

One of the biggest things is how we mistreat people. When I was in my addiction and having these same thoughts and feelings, I felt like it was everyone eles's fault. Which made me push everyone away more and more. It is a vicious cycle. In reality, when I was in my addiction I pushed people away in ways that created an opportunity for me to blame them for leaving me, mistreating me, and judging me.

What I want to write about today is when we encounter people that feel this way, we need to reach out, accept them, and love them in spit of how they act.

Every day we have a tendancy to put on a perfect face and go out in the world. We need to accept that we all have problems, trials, and heartache, and that's a beautiful thing. If we are willing to share our lives with others, in an open and honest way we could over come feeling mistreated, judged, and the need to defend ourselves. When we hide our hearts and souls from our own pain, we hide from God, and everyone around us. In this isolation, when we see others with similar pain and automaticlly tend to mistreat them, judge them, and push them away so that we don't have to face our own pain; thus isolating ourselves even more.

I want to tell you that it is okay, and even healthy to admit that we are not perfect, we have problems, trials, and heartache. This doesn't mean we live life as a victum. As we admit to ourselves our daily struggles, when we encounter others we can accept them and be able to love them through their struggles. When we admit that we are powerless to overcome our problems, trials, and heartache we are willing to turn to our Heavenly Father and the atonement of Jesus Christ. In turning to our Savior, we open our hearts towards those around us. In this a new cycle begins, a cycle of love and openness, especially a cycle of acceptance. Not only do we feel the warmth and love of Jesus Christ, but we offer the opportunity to all those around us to feel the warmth and love of Jesus Christ as well. 

Miserable or Happy?

It is so easy to either be miserable or to be happy. Through my recovery I have found such an amazing peace in my life. It didn't happen over night, it didn't happen because of any major life changing experience. The process is slow, steedy and requires dedication to returning home to our Savior.

I have been so blessed, especially recently. During the past several weeks have I have been working on step 8, forgiveness I have been freed from some deep emotional issues. I want to talk about them for a bit.

Self-image/Self-worth-As I have been “stuck” in my distorted thinking of blaming others for things that aren't even real, or blown out of perportion my blaming has had a deep effect on my self-image and my self-worth. I feel like people have intentionally wronged me, and that I must not be worth treating any better. Because of this I push people away before they could treat me poorly. Somehow, I developed the belief that I wasn't worth being treated any better, and I would actually sabatauge myself so that people were acutally almost forced to wrong me in one way or another.

Financial- Somehow there has been a generational stigma put on my family that makes it difficult to gain any financial success. Sometimes, we can begin to become financially successful, and it falls apart. I have come to believe that this stigma has been released.

Humility- Again another generational stigma, our family has is that poverty equals humility. This links to the financial stigma, but holds elements of its own.

Much to my surprise, as I have been working on forgiving others that have wronged me, I have learned that most of the time my perceptions of the wrongs against me just simply weren't. As I have released others from my blames, I also found that I felt deep remorse for my wrongs against them. Some of my wrongs include the perceptions I created of their wrongs against me. In this, I am the one asking for forgiveness not trying to figure out how to forgive those who wronged me. SURPRISE!

As I was being zoned this week, I started to feel the stigmas that have been holding me back release through the realization of my misperceptions. I am so surprised that these things are connected. I'm not concerned about the connection, because I know that Lord has a plan and I don't need to understand it, just have faith and graditude in Him.

This week, some wonderful things have happend to me and to my family. I am working on a financial transaction, and against several odds it is going rather smooth. Yeah! I have surprisingly had a substancial increase in clients. This increase is great financially, but more importantly it is the best opportunity I've had to show my gratitude to Christ for Him saving me. Guess what else, I've always wanted to write a book about my recovery, and a perfect book idea came to me a couple of days ago.

Life isn't easy, and that's alright. I feel loved, and secure in my path on my journey in Christ. My weaknesses have been made strong in Him. I will go and do, what He commands me, for I know He has prepared away for me....

Happy Mother's Day

For Mother's Day I wrote my mom a handwritten letter. Once it was done I felt the sense to share it with you. Some of you know my mother, while others may not. Nonetheless, hopefully this letter will trigger some healing for you as well.

Dear Mom

I know this won't reach you for Mother's Day, even though, I want you to know how much I love you.

Over this past year I feel I've grown to understand you better. I'm sure I will never understand the depth or the detail of your stuggles in life.

I now know that each of us comes into a family with character weaknesses that get passed down to our children and passed on to those we love. These character weaknesses set us apart from each other they are a special set of curcumstances the Lord has set aside to help us learn what is ours to learn on this journey.

We have a choice as to how we view and handle our character weaknesses. We can either view them as tools and know that as in Ether 12:27 as we humble ourselves and turn our hearts to our Savior knowing He paid the difference the Lord will make our weaknesses strong...OR...we simply become victums to our character weaknesses In that we create a hell of our own making. For so long in my life I have been in such a hell and I've blindly tried to pull you and all my family down with me. You always said, “Misery loves company.”

I now am beginnig to see a small glimps of what you've been teaching me. I am so thankful that you accepted the challenges in your life. I can only imagine that depth of your hardships as a child, young adult, mom, and now in the glory that you are.

I am so sorry for everytime both that I know and the times I don't that I added to your challenges and hardships.

I'm sorry for being stubborn and resisting to your role as my mom. I'm sorry for being mean, yelling, and bullying towards you. I'm sorry for being in-grateful, lieing, stealing, and especially for being secretive from you.

I'm sorry for creating a war-like contentious spirit in your home. I'm sorry for hiding and not being helpful when I knew you needed my help. I'm sorry for being entirely disrespectful towards you and not loving you the way you deserve to be loved.

There is so much regret, sorrow, and fear to appologize for. My memory is flooded with times, and things I want to appologize for. I wish I knew of the times when you hurt most so I could specifically applogize to you.

I'm especially sorry for all the years when I haven't been honest enough with myself to be able to be honest with you. I've tried so hard to put on the happy face and tried to be perfect when inside I'm falling apart and just wish my mom would put her arm around me and tell me, everything is going to be alright. In the next breath getting mad when it doesn't happen. How could it, when you didn't even know that's what I thought I needed????

For Mother's Day 2011, I want to offer you this appology...AND...make you this promise.

Knowing I'm me. I have character weaknesses that sneak up and take over from time to time. With that being said...

I promise to tell you honestly the things you should know about me, instead of hiding behind the fear of being imperfect.

I promise to be present and real to you so you can make decisions based on truth not assumptions.

I promise I don't know what's best for you and I will stop trying to tell you what to do. Rather, I will be a strong sounding board to help you figure out for yourself what's best, and to support you in your decision.

I promise to be a safe place for you in whatever capacity I can be.

I promise that I love you and will love you the best I can and hopefully it will be what you deserve.

Happy Mother's Day!