Where Are You Going To Go Today?

Where are you going to go today? My brother recommended that I read this book, and it was so moving that I'm going to pass it on to you...Enjoy

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
by Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!

Love One Another

I was talking to a couple people; we were talking about life. Like so many people they expressed concerns about how they are treated in general. They feel people mistreat them, judge them, shun them, and they constantly have to defend themselves.

I know far to well these feelings, and how they drove me into isolation from others and from my Father in Heaven, and Jesus Christ. I related far to well to all the swirling questions they asked.

One of the biggest things is how we mistreat people. When I was in my addiction and having these same thoughts and feelings, I felt like it was everyone eles's fault. Which made me push everyone away more and more. It is a vicious cycle. In reality, when I was in my addiction I pushed people away in ways that created an opportunity for me to blame them for leaving me, mistreating me, and judging me.

What I want to write about today is when we encounter people that feel this way, we need to reach out, accept them, and love them in spit of how they act.

Every day we have a tendancy to put on a perfect face and go out in the world. We need to accept that we all have problems, trials, and heartache, and that's a beautiful thing. If we are willing to share our lives with others, in an open and honest way we could over come feeling mistreated, judged, and the need to defend ourselves. When we hide our hearts and souls from our own pain, we hide from God, and everyone around us. In this isolation, when we see others with similar pain and automaticlly tend to mistreat them, judge them, and push them away so that we don't have to face our own pain; thus isolating ourselves even more.

I want to tell you that it is okay, and even healthy to admit that we are not perfect, we have problems, trials, and heartache. This doesn't mean we live life as a victum. As we admit to ourselves our daily struggles, when we encounter others we can accept them and be able to love them through their struggles. When we admit that we are powerless to overcome our problems, trials, and heartache we are willing to turn to our Heavenly Father and the atonement of Jesus Christ. In turning to our Savior, we open our hearts towards those around us. In this a new cycle begins, a cycle of love and openness, especially a cycle of acceptance. Not only do we feel the warmth and love of Jesus Christ, but we offer the opportunity to all those around us to feel the warmth and love of Jesus Christ as well. 

Miserable or Happy?

It is so easy to either be miserable or to be happy. Through my recovery I have found such an amazing peace in my life. It didn't happen over night, it didn't happen because of any major life changing experience. The process is slow, steedy and requires dedication to returning home to our Savior.

I have been so blessed, especially recently. During the past several weeks have I have been working on step 8, forgiveness I have been freed from some deep emotional issues. I want to talk about them for a bit.

Self-image/Self-worth-As I have been “stuck” in my distorted thinking of blaming others for things that aren't even real, or blown out of perportion my blaming has had a deep effect on my self-image and my self-worth. I feel like people have intentionally wronged me, and that I must not be worth treating any better. Because of this I push people away before they could treat me poorly. Somehow, I developed the belief that I wasn't worth being treated any better, and I would actually sabatauge myself so that people were acutally almost forced to wrong me in one way or another.

Financial- Somehow there has been a generational stigma put on my family that makes it difficult to gain any financial success. Sometimes, we can begin to become financially successful, and it falls apart. I have come to believe that this stigma has been released.

Humility- Again another generational stigma, our family has is that poverty equals humility. This links to the financial stigma, but holds elements of its own.

Much to my surprise, as I have been working on forgiving others that have wronged me, I have learned that most of the time my perceptions of the wrongs against me just simply weren't. As I have released others from my blames, I also found that I felt deep remorse for my wrongs against them. Some of my wrongs include the perceptions I created of their wrongs against me. In this, I am the one asking for forgiveness not trying to figure out how to forgive those who wronged me. SURPRISE!

As I was being zoned this week, I started to feel the stigmas that have been holding me back release through the realization of my misperceptions. I am so surprised that these things are connected. I'm not concerned about the connection, because I know that Lord has a plan and I don't need to understand it, just have faith and graditude in Him.

This week, some wonderful things have happend to me and to my family. I am working on a financial transaction, and against several odds it is going rather smooth. Yeah! I have surprisingly had a substancial increase in clients. This increase is great financially, but more importantly it is the best opportunity I've had to show my gratitude to Christ for Him saving me. Guess what else, I've always wanted to write a book about my recovery, and a perfect book idea came to me a couple of days ago.

Life isn't easy, and that's alright. I feel loved, and secure in my path on my journey in Christ. My weaknesses have been made strong in Him. I will go and do, what He commands me, for I know He has prepared away for me....

Happy Mother's Day

For Mother's Day I wrote my mom a handwritten letter. Once it was done I felt the sense to share it with you. Some of you know my mother, while others may not. Nonetheless, hopefully this letter will trigger some healing for you as well.

Dear Mom

I know this won't reach you for Mother's Day, even though, I want you to know how much I love you.

Over this past year I feel I've grown to understand you better. I'm sure I will never understand the depth or the detail of your stuggles in life.

I now know that each of us comes into a family with character weaknesses that get passed down to our children and passed on to those we love. These character weaknesses set us apart from each other they are a special set of curcumstances the Lord has set aside to help us learn what is ours to learn on this journey.

We have a choice as to how we view and handle our character weaknesses. We can either view them as tools and know that as in Ether 12:27 as we humble ourselves and turn our hearts to our Savior knowing He paid the difference the Lord will make our weaknesses strong...OR...we simply become victums to our character weaknesses In that we create a hell of our own making. For so long in my life I have been in such a hell and I've blindly tried to pull you and all my family down with me. You always said, “Misery loves company.”

I now am beginnig to see a small glimps of what you've been teaching me. I am so thankful that you accepted the challenges in your life. I can only imagine that depth of your hardships as a child, young adult, mom, and now in the glory that you are.

I am so sorry for everytime both that I know and the times I don't that I added to your challenges and hardships.

I'm sorry for being stubborn and resisting to your role as my mom. I'm sorry for being mean, yelling, and bullying towards you. I'm sorry for being in-grateful, lieing, stealing, and especially for being secretive from you.

I'm sorry for creating a war-like contentious spirit in your home. I'm sorry for hiding and not being helpful when I knew you needed my help. I'm sorry for being entirely disrespectful towards you and not loving you the way you deserve to be loved.

There is so much regret, sorrow, and fear to appologize for. My memory is flooded with times, and things I want to appologize for. I wish I knew of the times when you hurt most so I could specifically applogize to you.

I'm especially sorry for all the years when I haven't been honest enough with myself to be able to be honest with you. I've tried so hard to put on the happy face and tried to be perfect when inside I'm falling apart and just wish my mom would put her arm around me and tell me, everything is going to be alright. In the next breath getting mad when it doesn't happen. How could it, when you didn't even know that's what I thought I needed????

For Mother's Day 2011, I want to offer you this appology...AND...make you this promise.

Knowing I'm me. I have character weaknesses that sneak up and take over from time to time. With that being said...

I promise to tell you honestly the things you should know about me, instead of hiding behind the fear of being imperfect.

I promise to be present and real to you so you can make decisions based on truth not assumptions.

I promise I don't know what's best for you and I will stop trying to tell you what to do. Rather, I will be a strong sounding board to help you figure out for yourself what's best, and to support you in your decision.

I promise to be a safe place for you in whatever capacity I can be.

I promise that I love you and will love you the best I can and hopefully it will be what you deserve.

Happy Mother's Day!

We All Need Each Other

One thing that I've learned about recovery is that I can't heal on my own. In fact, I'm to a wonderful point in my life that I don't want to go on this journey alone. I'm so excited and so thankful that I have so many wonderful people in my life to share this healing journey with.

Amoung these wounderful people in my life are my family. Any addict knows that addictions run in families. In my family, co-dependency, food issues, and emotional issues have entwined themselves deep in the treads of our family tree. Although, this is a sad concept to see in my family, it also makes me realize that I'm not alone, and for the most part that I'm not a crazy black sheep of the family.

In this blog post I want to introduce you to my amazing cousin, Becky Sampson. Becky, is recovring from food issues, she has released a total of 135 pounds!!! She grow up in the San Francisco bay area, so we didn't have the opportunities to be close like cousin's can be. Even with seemingly seperate lives, we find ourselves on a similar journey of healing. Becky is an amazing and inspiring women, and I have grown so much as my friendship in healing grows with her. Here is a link to her blog, I hope you go on over and read her inspirational stories. There is a lot to learn from this brilliant young lady. When you are reading her blog, please let her know I sent you over to visit...I'd love to hear what you think as well...Bex Weight Loss Inspirations

Thank You!

I went into a juice store today for a drink. Yep, nothing to special. I noticed a small group of people in line before me. There was casual chatter, around me. The manager greeting me, and said he'd be right with me. I thanked him, and simply waited my turn. When it was my turn to order, I gave my order to the cashier. The manager came over, pulled out a appreciation punch card and punched it several times explaining that he was appologetic for my wait. I didn't feel like I had waited longer than I should have. I explained he didn't need to do that but I was thankful.

When my order came, the young man gave me a larger drink, saying it just made bigger than expected so he just uped my size. I thanked him, and left the store.

This was a special experience for me. I'm not used to such exceptional customer service. I have gone into this store several times, and always I receive good service, there was something really different about today's visit. I started to wonder if I “attracted” this kindness?

As I was driving home, the phone rang. On the other end of the phone was a man that I had left a voice message to call me back yesterday. I had been sort of surprised he hadn't called like his outgoing message said he would. I figured he must not really want my business.

Quickly, he introduced himself, and began to appologize for not calling me back. As he explained his reasons, I felt a sincereity radiating from him. It was a reason not an excuse and I knew that. His appology wasn't a sells gimic it was how he really felt. The call continued with him asking what my goals were for this transaction. That was so nice, this is a numbers game, and my goals don't effect the outcome to him. He was treating me like a person, a real person, with real feelings, asperations, and goals.

Twice in one day, in two very different situations, I was treated like a person. I felt so validated, and genuinely cared about. Now I'm really wondering if I have changed so much that this kindness, is being “attracted” to me, or if it is something more?

Thank you to these wonderful gentlemen for being willing to follow your sense of humanity and giving me such a special gift today...Thank you, Thank you, Thank you...

In the Lord's Time

What a beutiful sping morning! Things change fast, and if I don't pay attention I miss the changes. Sometimes we all need a little nudge into a new life. Peace, surronds life, especially my life.

It is interesting how my perspective changes what is going on in my life. Sure I can say that things aren't going as fast as I would like them to, BUT. Right now the speed of how things are changing in my life is manageable. I have the ability to step back and breath, pray and make decisions. I recognize how beautilful things are. If things were changing as fast as I'm tempted to push them to be, I know I couldn't manage them becasue of the craziness I attempt to control things. A slower pace, helps me maintain a continual prayer.

Yesterday I had the blessing of working with a dear friend as I zoned her. The sense came that she was hurring, and keeping busy to avoid feeling a painful memory and painful desires. As I talked to her, I recognized that this is a reflection of my life as well. When times have come that I have wanted to be different, because the experience that was there was to painful I have created distractions. A couple of the things I have always said are, “I'm so busy.” “I'm totally overwhelmed.” Honestly, I felt this way. What I didn't recognize is that I was creating these feelings to avoid other feelings. I can't tell you what feelings I way trying to avoid for sure, as I think about it I would suggest the feelings I was trying to avoid was feelings of love, acceptance, and peace.

I'm sure you are thinking, only a crazy person would create feelings of being overwhelmed to avoid feelings of love, acceptance, and peace. You might be right. As I look at it, if I were to allow the feelings of love, acceptance, and peace than the “story” of my life becomes a lie and falls apart. The safety of my “story” was more important than being loved, accepted, and at peace.

Right now, because of my recovery and my journey to know my Savior; coupled with learning forgiveness I can sit here and say that I am loved, accepted, and at peace with my life. I am very thankful at the pace the Lord has set the changes in my life, so that I can stay connected with Him. I can remain calm, and try to hear His voice through the sense of the Holy Ghost. What a beautiful spring morning! 

Spiritual Lightening

I read this article yesterday morning. It brought a lot of thoughts to my mind that I wanted to share. I will let you read it first, so that you know where I'm coming from.

Spiritual Lightening – M. Catherine Thomas

“Although we bring personal weaknesses to our parenting that may provide real opposition for our children, we do not need to feel that all is lost. We remember that our Heavenly Father knows the end from the beginning. (See Abr. 2:8.) He knew beforehand the ignorance, the failings, the confusion, and the spiritual infirmities of each of his children— including those who would become parents. Knowing all these things, the Lord prepared the gospel plan and allowed us the experiences of mortality, with certain compensations and blessings and talents available within the child or along life’s path that would help the child as he or she struggled with opposition. God provides ample opportunity to learn and recover from the opposition. (See 2 Ne. 2:11, 15; Ether 12:27, 37.)

Some of the learning experiences we undergo may cause us heartache. But fortunately, divine growth can be the outcome of the pain and opposition in anyone’s life.”

As for learning experiences that have caused me heartache. I've had my fair share in life. There was a time in the not so distant past that as I prayed, it was a prayer of “Please take this trial away.” “What have I done wrong now, to deserve this.” “Please make so-and-so stop hurting me.” “Please make things better, I'm doing the best I can.” Maybe you have prayed this prayer before and know what I'm talking about.

Every time I prayed like this, I was asking the Lord to stop blessing me, to stop refining me into the person He knows I am. I felt alone, and forsaken most of the time.

Through my recovery, and subsequent journey to find my Savior, I have been blessed to see that what Sister M. Catherine Thomas says is so true. The Lord really does send me certain compensations and blessings and talents to deal with the shortcomings of my parents, but also for me as a parent.

Now my prayers have become so different, they are full of gratitude for my trials, and struggles. I also know that as I pray and stay close to my Savior, He will sustain me during my trials and struggles. When my trials seem to become harder than I can bear, I am blessed to be able to pray for strengthening. Always, my prayers have been answered through an angel, someone on the Lord's arrand. Usually, that someone is someone in my family.

As I end this post, I want to offer my gratitude to our Savior for His love, kindness, and tender mercies on my behalf. I don't deserve them, never have, and never will, He still makes up all the difference.

Family

Sadness and loss surround me and my family this week. I'm not sure about how to write this in order to protect the privacy of those involved, while still being able to convey the depth of the heartache that is evident in our family.

When you wake up in the morning knowing that something is missing in life, usually you go looking for it. It seems like we always feel safer when we are surrounded with the people and things that make up our lives. What happens when the missing thing in your life is a relationship that usually is assumed is just there and strong? This relationship could be a relationship with siblings or with children. Maybe we all have a relationship that is strained and needs repair.

As you could assume, we reached out to these relationships, assuming that our reaching out would be lovingly welcomed. We looked forward to forging strong lasting eternal family bonds. Instead we were met with accusations, hate, and bitter grudges. At one point things even resulted in physical harm. The hurt and sadness on both sides of this runs deeps and emotions are high. Sleepless nights, long lonely days. The feelings of abandonment, and loneliness abound all around. In someways naturally we search out all stable relationships in our lives and check their security.

The loss, the emotional heartache that runs through our family, is so sad. It's hard to not be bitter, and hateful toward those who reject you. It's hard not to allow your thoughts to be consumed with allegations, and justifications. There is comfort in Christ's final words, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”

I can't help consider the depth of pain Christ feels when His family rejects Him. It is widely taught and accepted that Christ suffered physically the pains of abuse from those who rejected Him. What I haven't stopped to consider is the emotional pain He must have felt personally. When those you love, reject you especially in a harsh way is a sort of pain that stabs deep into your heart. How does the story of Judas betraying Christ, by denying him three times a reflection of families in today's world that reject curly their family? Something even sadder, is not only did Christ suffer for emotions of those who reject Him, but for those who reject us.

Today in the mist of this heartache, with a deeper understanding of long-suffering, and patience we will strive to have a heart of peace, and lean on Christ for strength to be sustained in this time, as we search our hearts to forgive and to be forgiven. 

Shinny Thing Itis...

I'm assuming that everyone wants to do something special, something notable in their life. I know I do. You can't say I haven't tried. I've tried so many things. I've tried every get rich quick trick I've seen. I've started several small businesses. I've bought and sold lots of animals, for lots of reasons.

All these things and many more I've tried without changing my heart. I wanted to be seen as someone special. I wanted money and lots of it. I've even tried to be special by hooking my name with my Dad, who has done some pretty notable things in his life. Why with all this effort have I not become wildly successful?

I think there are two reasons:

First reason: My motivation was entirely wrong!

Second reason: Something I learned from Jon Davis, I have Shinny Thing itis...

It's like I go around and dig shallow holes with my ideas, when it doesn't just take off and fly. People don't instantly flock to my idea, or if I'm not getting rich quickly I jump ship without gaining any depth to the hole I was digging.

This starts to explain my motivation and how it was entirely wrong. I was looking for instant gratification. This is the definition of Shinny Thing itis.

This is in my opinion a bi-product of my addiction. I am looking for the shinny thing that will draw people to me and to attract people who will love me. When that doesn't happen instantly, I'm off to the next thing.

If I were to dig my hole deep enough to become an expert in the shinny thing I would indeed be able to attract people to my ideas. I'm definitely an expert in Shinny Thing itis, but that's not why you are here.

The Shinny Thing, I'm going to become an expert in (probably not in this life) is the light of Christ. I'm going to dig deep in my soul, and clear out all the garbage that keeps that light from shinning from me.

With my light of Christ, being my shinning beacon, I'm going to give all that I have to anyone who wishes to bask in His light.

I urge you all to take some well deserved time and of course paper and pen to begin to get clear and focused on what Shinny Thing you want to become an expert on. Something I've learned is although, much of my life is past I'm still young enough to live my truth. I know you are also young enough to live your truth. Together, truth and truth we can change our lives.

I love you all, and I'm so thankful you took this time to read my blog. Please feel free to comment either publicly or privately. 

A New Life In Him

What is forgiveness? What is letting go? I have come to the realization that my perceptions of the past are really messed up. There are things I've blocked from my memory, and other things I remember totally different from other people. WOW, so how do I sort out who I need to forgive and for what? I would hate to work on forgiving someone for something they didn't even do. Or hold on to all the hard feelings, and not even try to forgive based on a lifetime of memories that aren't true.

As I have been praying to be able to see things more clearly. I have been blessed with a couple of miracles. First, what is true and what isn't doesn't really matter. Yep, people have wronged me, some people have wronged me over and over. Some people still wrong me. The only thing that matters is that I accept that their trespasses are not between them and me. Their trespasses have been paid for by our loving Savior, Jesus Christ. He is asking me to accept His payment for their trespasses.

Second, I have learned that maybe forgiveness isn't something I do, maybe it is done for me. I just get to let go. Especially, when the person being forgiven isn't even asking forgiveness. As I have come through the past several months. I have a desire to forgive people that have wronged me. I held all the usual questions. Why should I forgive such horrendous acts against me? How will they pay for their wrong? What about others that were wronged too?

As I have prayed to be able to see things more clearly, my heart has found peace. I wonder if just having a sincere desire to forgive is all the human heart can do on its own?

It is a beautiful spring morning; the birds are singing their joyful song as I walk along an old dirt road. Up ahead of me, a silhouette of a man I can barely make out. As I reach Him, His hand stretched for mine with a smile on his face, He softly whispers “I've been waiting for you.” Taking His hand, we continue my walk down the dirt road. I can feel the heart piercing marks in His hands as they gently press against mine. A burning whisper in my heart, “let the trespasses of those who have wronged you be upon me.” “let me, be enough.”

Soon we find ourselves standing in the middle of an open meadow. The newness of this spring day, brings life. Peace settles around us, as the whippoorwill cries, “You are my pretty little girl.” The morning breeze rustles the newly sprouted leaves of the trees. The beautiful meadow is void of history, and full of promise. The promise of a new life. A new life in Him. 

"Pushing"

It is interesting how life can so quickly take over! Lately, I've been feeling the desire to “push” what I mean by “push” is to push things to go my way. I know that extreme statements aren't usually appropriate, in this case they are. Never, have I found a time when I've “pushed” that things have worked out.

I know that if I push my way through this current situation that things won't work out. I guess when I push, it's another way to say that I turn away from the Lord. In this particular situation, if I push not only does that say that I know better than the Lord, but it takes away the free agency of someone very dear to me.

I'm starting to be able to see in myself that when I take over, with the idea that what I think is better for myself and better for my loved ones. That I take away their ability to be blessed by our Heavenly Father as well. Is sounds like to me that my plan is very similar to Satan's original plan. Just imagine that madness in my thinking!

Even in recovery I find it challenging to keep my life, safely in the hands of the Lord. I know that my life is peaceful, comfortable, and calm when I can completely turn my will over to the Father. I wonder why I seem almost instinctively take it back?

This morning I am writing in humility and gratitude that I was blessed to realize when I felt the sense to “push” that it was wrong. I am thankful that I was blessed to know how my “pushing” would have hurt someone that I love. Now I pray for the strength to continue in patience and to watch for bread crumbs on the path as the Lord guides me through this trial.

His Divine Plan

As I look around me lately I recognize that we all see things totally different. The Lord sets up experiences that are uniquely meant for each of us. It was a couple of weeks ago. while I was really struggling. I was at the gas station. I heard a voice calling my name. After the second time he called out to me, I turned around. It was Don the facilitator from ARP. He wanted to check on me, and say hi. I really needed him, in that moment. I felt alone in recovery and I felt like this program, the gospel is all true. It just didn't feel like I could be in this (my) recovery alone. I walked over to Don. He was in his truck.

It wasn't long after I started to talk to him, I glanced over and saw a case of beer on the seat of his truck. Before I had a chance to decide what to say or do about this. Or to even consider that he is the facilitator of ARP and that case of beer was strange. He justified it, by explaining it was for a ranch hand on his son's ranch.

It wasn't the case of beer I cared about. I was filled with love and hope. Here Don is in a strange and awkward situation, and he stopped to talk to me. He cared about me enough to stop. He could have honked, waved and kept driving avoided this awkward situation all together, but he didn't. He stopped, and cared. What a miracle this is to me.

I wasn't able to go to ARP the following Thursday to thank him for his kindness. He went. When I wasn't there, he told everyone his side of the story. I hope I can tell it appropriately. Don says he felt reluctant to agree to buy the beer in the first place. He felt embarrassed to walk into the store and buy it. When he stopped me, of course he felt he needed to justify himself, since I don't know him very well. When I wasn't to the ARP meeting on Thursday he wondered if I wasn't there because of his actions. If he talks about being sober and then buys beer. He questions how that is a reflection of him, and what I must have thought. How can he mentor people? He since has made a commitment to himself and to others that he will practice what he preaches. Being sober, doesn't involve buying beer for others.

Here God worked miracle for both Don and me. The same situations, with two totally beautiful lessons of love and hope. I'm so thankful to Don that he had the courage to follow his sense and stop. His commitment to really turning his life over to the care of the Lord, and to follow through with something in this case that wasn't comfortable is a testimony of recovery to me. I'm not surprised I didn't see him in the store, or parking lot. I needed him to stop and change my life. Don you will always be remembered as one of my special angels in my life. I will always love you for the gift you have given me.

Bridge Between the Old and the New

I want to tell you a story that has been life changing to me, yet is so simple. Jim and I went on a weekend trip. As we drove we talked about life, like we usually do. I seem to be always in the mindset of analysis everything. Honestly, it gets really tiring. I'm beginning to wish I'd just accept things and be willing to just sit back and see how things go.

Anyway, it was dark as we pulled into the little resort town. Jim and I checked into the hotel, found some dinner, and took a walk around the around. Yep, that sentence was meant to be that plain.

Morning came, as we set on this beautiful deck over looking the powerful rock formations I couldn't help but sit back and feel the warmth of the sun on my face that radiated God's love for this earth and for me.

After breakfast Jim and I decided to take a drive. As we reached the edge of town, I looked out and saw a bridge to spanned a immense river. Panic stuck every cell in the body. With fear in my voice, I asked Jim, “We didn't cross that bridge last night as we came in to town?” I prayed that we hadn't, but Jim's reply was simple, “I guess so.”

I felt trapped, we are sitting in the bottom of this valley, and apparently that bridge was the only way out. I begged Jim to pull the car over, I needed to process this. How are we going to get out of the valley? We are trapped here, and our life is out there.

Jim knew I that my fear of bridges ran clear to my core, still he acted totally nonchalant about the whole thing, which made me really mad. How could he have such little compassion for me? Couldn't he see how tragic this situation is? No, he just sat there looking at the bridge.

Then through all these emotions the words came saying, “We came over that bridge last night, and it wasn't this scarey.” If that bridge wasn't scarey last night, why is it scarey now? It's a lie! I realized in that moment that I wasn't deathly afraid of bridges. Maybe it has something to do with the idea that as I cross a bridge, it couldn't fall and I would have no control over what happened. Is it when I cross a bridge the only time I'm not in control?

Logically I reasoned that if I crossed the bridge and wasn't afraid than it was irrational and that this fear of bridges was a lie. If I was really afraid of bridges my soul would have known I was on a bridge, whether it was light or dark, and become afraid. I can cross this bridge, and leave this fear behind me.

I explained to Jim my thoughts, and he reassured me. As we drove across the bridge, I focused on the fact, the absents of fear! Ever since this advent two years ago, I have tested this on every bridge I've come across. I've driven over several bridges, walked on bridges, stood on bridges.

I often think back to how my life has been bridged from the old life full of lies, fears, and paralyzingly immobility; to my new life overflowing with trust, love, and forward motion. Thanks be to God, that has taught me in this living parable that He is always with me, to teach me in His tender mercies.

What fears have you overcome and how did it happen?

Special Coaching Opportunity For YOU!

I am so excited. Today I have a booth at the Malad Wellness Health Fair! I'm looking forward to meeting new people and sharing my message of healing and recovery.

Of course, Britney will be there to make everything perfect. Britney has a great way of complimenting my weaknesses and making me look great. Thank you Britney for all that you do.

Okay, here's the big launch...My new website launched yesterday at 4:45 p.m. There was a little bug, and it was worked out fast. I'm glad that it was caught and fixed. My website is dedicated to educating people about my new venture of being a Holistic Life Coach, Public Speaker, and Foot Zoner. Click on the website and come and check it out... www.holistic-lifecoach.com

I would love to work with some of my closest friends. I am offering a great opportunity. I am going to offer a coaching opportunity to you. Coaching includes 4 1 hour sessions a month, (1 per week) in person or over the phone. During these coaching sessions you will receive support, and accountability; along with assignments and accountability daily planner. You can email me anytime and I will get back to you right away. I am here to help you achieve the results that you are looking for. My fee is very low to build up my client base so don't miss out a chance of making HUGE changes in your life. I work with people not only on addiction recovery, but in getting clear on what you want out of life and putting it all into action. Contact me today if you would like a free consultation. The first two people to register will receive an introductory rate of ONLY $250 a month.

I will look forward to hearing from you. I'm excited to see who the first two people are to register for this amazing coaching opportunity. 

New Life

I realize this post will be centered around me and what is going on. I have been dedicating a lot of my time lately to gearing up my business. As you know I am a Foot Zoner. I have a strong testimony of the foot zone. I know that the healing paths are opened during the foot zone.

I also know that during the foot zone, I have the opportunity to coach all the wonderful people that I zone. It naturally goes to show that I would develop a Life Coaching side to my business. That is just what I have been doing. I am about to launch "Holistic Life Coach" It is a website to draw people to the style of coaching that I have entwined my life with! I believe that healing comes through the atonement of Jesus Christ. I believe that the 12 step program offers us the opportunity to be honest with ourselves, and to turn our lives over to the care of Jesus Christ Himself. Further, I believe that the Lord has offered us a pharmacy that He runs, that doesn't involve western medicines, it involves herbs, and homeopathics, the natural plants of the earth. Healing comes in simplicity.

I am looking forward to walking with people that are ready to either begin their journey or to walk with people that are miles into their journey. It is time to give back all the gifts I've been given on my journey to recovery, and to uplift and be friends with everyone I can.

Stay tuned to see the launch of something very special to me. "Holistic Life Coach" This is going to be an exciting journey and I'm so thankful that you are here to share it with me.

Talk to you all soon. I welcome your ideas and comments on my project.

It's a Good Morning to be in ReCoVeRy

What a glorious morning! I slept so well last night. Totally energized this morning. I have worked on my recovery for almost 10 years. The past year once I decided to try to turn my life and my recovery over to the Lord did my recovery take flight. I know that true recovery lays in the tender hands of Jesus Christ. Only through this kind of recovery are glorious mornings like this one possible.

Yesterday, I ran 5 miles for the first time in years. Running has always held a special window into the heavens for me, because of my addictions and my isolation I stopped running years and years ago. That is when I started running from the Lord. Now that my life, is running back to the Lord, I felt a desire to start running again. As I ran, there was a beautiful familiar feeling. The muscle memory were still there, although the muscles aren't yet very strong.

I have found that there are some very simple and true things in my life, now that I am allowing my life to be guided by the Lord. Running, is one of the things that obviously has stood the test of time. There are also new things that I didn't realize I could love, and that point me towards Christ. I love to teach, and I love children.

My life is changing so quickly. I feel a familiar fear to dig my heels in and be afraid. I new stronger feeling keeps me propelling forward into a beautiful new life of happiness, joy, and love.

I want to share my recovery with everyone around me, because the sun always shines here. I believe that if you would be willing to shed off your fear, you could find this happiness too. When you are ready just know that I am here to walk with you on your journey to recovery.

The Balance of Life

Wow, this week has flown by, and I haven't taken a chance to write. I have started to do anything I've wanted to do. One of those things is that I bought I treadmill. I have always loved to run, and it's still cold here. So I bought a treadmill! I ran my first 5 miles this morning. It wasn't as hard as I was afraid it would be. My muscle memory seems to have some Alzheimers, because I ran like a monkey most of the time. It is definitely going to take some time, to get my muscles to come around. Isn't that a great example of how life goes?

Life is like running. Life is also like not running. Over the past years when I haven't ran, my body gets used to being lazy, and the muscles only work to the degree in which they are pushed. In life, we get used to being lazy, which opens opportunities for addictions to come into our lives, and we fall away from God. Our spirits like muscles only work to the degree in which they are pushed. Our physical and spiritual bodies both need to be feed with food that makes us stronger so that we can run and not be weary.

I guess it should be natural that since I have been feeding and strengthening my spirit in this healing, that I should gravitate toward physical running and feeding and strengthening my physical body. There seems to be a natural balance at play here.

I'm so blessed to be able to recognize the connecting balance here. It is like a bread crumb, and a motivation to keep going on this path.

I thank God, through our Savior Jesus Christ.  

Forgiveness

I want to say that I don't care if people forgive me, that wouldn't be true. I still want people to love me. I've gone to great measure to push people away, and to wall them out of my life. I will hurt you before you can hurt me, sort of thing.

Even thought I've gone to that extreme those people are still with me, haunting me. They are missing out on the gifts I was born to give them. Forgiveness isn't for them. Their lives will go one even if they never hear from me again. Forgiveness is for me. Forgiveness is for me to take responsibility for hurting others. I've hurt others, and a lot of times I've hurt them so that they can't hurt me, which hurts me anyway. Crazy thinking, I know.

As I sit here. I feel impressed that I want to reach out to people and ask their forgiveness not so I can be seen, not so that I can be forgiven, but so they can start to separate what happened between us. I know I hold a lot of things personally. If someone where to ask my forgiveness, I would be given the opportunities to let it go and not hold it personally. I have a hard time seeing what is mine, and what isn't. I wonder if anyone is sitting there thinking how could I have wronged Tisha like that? OR I not going to take that step towards being friends with that person because of the disaster with Tisha....I don't want people holding back their lives because of me and my distorted behavior.

Luke 6:37-38 :”Judge not, and ye shall not be judged; condemn not, and ye sh;; not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.

Give, and it shall be given you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.”

The first thought that comes to my mind, is rather silly, but I'm going to say it anyway. It sounds like a receipie. When you make something, you use good measure, press the ingredients down (especially the sweet stuff), it all gets shaken or mixed together. If it's me it runs all over. There is always enough for everyone's enjoyment.

Maybe that's how Christ meant life to be? When we serve others in compassion, usually we bake some yummy treat. We can do that with life too. With a good measure we can withhold judgment and condemnation. Press down the forgiveness and let what's left over run over.

I am going to try to live like this so that I can bring a sweetness of life in my life, my families life, and to all those around me. 

I am so Thankful

This has really been a great week. I have noticed that I'm happy. Nothing has really changed in my outer world, but my heart is being changed, and softened. The trials I have been blessed with still loom at all sides. But as the sun rises, I find myself sitting in the warmth of its rays that shine through my window into my heart.

I am so thankful for the many blessings that I have been given. I am so thankful for the love of Jim, and his support. He is so in tune with me, he always knows just what to do or say.

I am so very thankful for our children. They have really stepped up, and accepted their responsibilities. I am thankful for their willing and loving examples. Our homes is filled again with laughter and a loving spirit.

My heart if full of gratitude for the new life that spring brings. It is awesome to drive through the valley, and watch the newness that springs up all around. The beautiful cycle of life.

My focus is on my gratitude for life, and towards being in service to others. 

I Have Made A ChOiCe!

Yesterday I started thinking. I have a choice to make. I can continue to live in fear of when I'm going to fall down again, or when I'm going to have a moment of weakness OR I can just start living my life and figure out where it's going to go. I know there is going to be a moment of weakness, I know I'm going to fall down again. After all aren't we all. I'm not perfect, I know that, the thing is I'm trying to live or in this case not live so that I am. If I don't take risk, or get out of my comfort zone then I'm less likely to mess up, and have any of my weaknesses exposed. Living with this line of thinking it is causing me not to be able to live at all. Yesterday and today it has become obvious to me that it is time for me to make a choice. The choice is I can either continue living in fear of my weaknesses showing up, or start actually living, and when my weaknesses show up confront them head on.

There have been times when I hear people saying there is fear looming just off in the shadows. For the past two days, there has been peace and joy looming just off in the shadows.

I'm going to welcome the peace and joy into my life, and I'm choosing to start living, when my weaknesses show up, I'm going to turn to the Lord to help me keep the light on, and keep the fears at bay.

Really what do I have to loose? Whether I loose my weaknesses or not is irrelevant, I have the fear of my weaknesses to loose. I have lived my whole life in fear. I wonder what the Lord replaces fear of weaknesses with? Anyway, it will be exciting to see, what blessings come to replace my fears.

Coincidence?

Coincidence defined in the dictionary is: apparently by mere chance. Due to recent advents I can no longer believe that anything happens because of mere chance. If nothing happens by coincidence, then how and why do seemingly strange things happen?

Lately, I have been sucked into old patterns of being. Although, I didn't recognize a lesson that can be learned in being sucked back in, and oh how I've hated ever moment of it, there is something really wonderful that is coming out of this experience.

A couple lessons I'm learning are, I don't want to give up and go back there, also how far from there I've really come. Mostly, I've learned there isn't safety there anymore, if there was I wouldn't have hated being there so much.

In the mist of the darkness that being sucked into old patterns I've had some great beacons of light and hope shone for me so that I could keep going. These beacons of light and hope have come in the form that others might call coincidences. For me the Lord has shone a light that helps me know the difference between my old patterns of life, and the new ones He is offering me.

With this light, I've been able to navigate one step at a time, through the darkness toward the light. Without faith, I might have been able to accept coincidences as real. Through, my faith in my Lord I know He knows me, and is teaching me to grow and be in continual creation of myself.

The beacon of light and hope that He offers me, shines to those others that are around me. I have noticed that each time I recognize a beacon of light shining there is someone there acting as an angel in my life. I am thankful that the Lord through His atonement finds me worthy to have these wonderful and merciful people to be in service to me, and for their love for Christ, and for me to act as angels in my life.

As you travel through this day, please notice the beacons of light and hope that Christ offers you, even if you believe in coincidence.

In Service to Others

Good-Morning, today I want to talk about the importance of letting go. How do you let go? Is it important to realize the truth of our past, in order to let go? Truthfully, I don't know the answers to either of these questions.

Recently, I have created a mess of things in my life as you well know. Nonetheless, you also know how I am trying to clean up this mess. Friday morning, in an attempt to turn my life back over to the Lord I intentionally prayed for the opportunity to be in the service to others today.

I feared that my recent learning more about turning my life over to Christ, and trying to follow Him, but then taking back over time and time again; that this prayer would ring hollow in the ears of the Lord. Nope, my prayer was heard loud and clear, then answered just as clearly.

I arrived at the first place I was going Friday morning. I was certainly preoccupied with myself, my problems, and searching for answers for my life. I was slowly walking without a thought or care for anyone around me. I'm almost certain that a stamped of cattle could have come barreling through the middle of the silent room and I wouldn't have even recognized it.

A tap came to my shoulder and a gentlemen asked for my assistance. He had to ask twice, since my mind took a moment to come into focus with him. I agreed to help him. My help wasn't needed until later, so I had plenty of time to think of all my fears. This wasn't something I was used to doing, little lone to help someone else. As the time approached for me to follow through with my commitment, I started to think of reasons why I shouldn't be required to help. Needless, to say I wasn't ever going to see this man again. My mind was prompted with the memory of my prayer. Here is an opportunity to be in the service of someone else. How can I pray for something, than deny Him when He answers? After that it didn't take much courage, I just followed through. When we were finished, almost simultaneously we each said “thank you” to the other.

At my second appointment while I was waiting my turn an other gentlemen sat next to me and mentioned that he'd just seen me at the previously place. We passed small talk, and he was called to his appointment.

As I consider how I could have been in service to either of these people I recognize that although, I may have assisted them in one way or another; that I may never know. They both were and still are in service to me. First, they were stepping stones through my fears. Second, they offered my an opportunity to step out of the isolation of my mind and my life. When I was engaged in conversation or assistance to these people, I couldn't focus on my preoccupation with myself, or my problems. 

April Fools Day

I don't have any April fool jokes to play on anyone today, let's hope the joke isn't on me. I'm just super thankful that the sun is shining, and spring is springing around here. I'm always more upbeat when the sun shines and shares it warmth with me.

As I sit here and consider my character weaknesses, and how they affect my life for both the good and the bad. I am humbled to know that these weaknesses are real, and not only affect me, but everyone around me.

Hugh Nibley once said something like, “Weaknesses are like dogs. If you walk towards one it will turn and run away, and if you run from one it will chase you.” I would further says from recent personal experience that I've been running from my weaknesses, not only do they chase you, but they will bite you too! Thank you Bro. Thomas for sharing this quote.

Today, maybe that will be my April fools joke. I am going to turn and not only face my weaknesses, but walk fearlessly toward them. To begin with, as I approach today I'm going to find ways to search those around me. Even if it's a simple, smile and pleasant greeting. I'm going to stay within my bounds and help only where it is appropriate. (I already have one of those accomplished before 5:30 in the morning). I'm going to eat well, and enjoy it!

This morning, I heard someone asking someone else for help with their baby. I jumped up, and slipped on my robe and stopped. They don't need my help! They didn't ask for my help! I know that the person they asked are completely capable of helping! I hung my robe up, and just stood there. That was awesome! I couldn't help myself, but I followed up with the helping person to make sure they felt okay about helping. It all is working it self out. It's about personal responsibility, mine and theirs.

I will let you know how it goes. Maybe this list sounds simple, but so far my big flamboyant plans never work out. Let's see how simple adds up. Wink Wink!